User:NathalyT/Annie York/Mrgabr14 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

NathalyT


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:NathalyT/Annie_York?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Annie York

General
For the lead - you can just expand the existing one with what you think anybody should absolutely know (if they read none of the rest of the article, you want them to at the very least know those things). I'd also get rid of the strange quote about her being born in Spuzzum and living there most of her life if you do keep that lead.

Reminder of the Canvas announcement about Canadian indigenous people preferring the terms "First Nations" and "indigenous"

I would just consistently use "Nlaka'pamuxcin" in place of "Thompson Indian" for the sake of authenticity and consistency. Do put something about "(also known as Thompson)" somewhere in the lead, though.

Formatting
References should be next to the punctuation mark like this. Instead of like this, where it hangs weirdly on the next word.

Put Wikilinks on the first usage of terms. You can do this by hitting the open bracket [ key twice. A search bar will show up to find the Wikipedia article you want, then you can edit the actual text of the hyperlink to match the wording you want if the wording/casing of the title of the article doesn't exactly match what you need. For example on your first two sentences:

Annie Zixtkwu York was born on September 21,1904 in Spuzzum territory located in British Columbia, Canada. She died August 19, 1991 due to tuberculosis in Spuzzum.

Terms you should Wikilink (in the order they appear in your article):


 * Spuzzum (first nation) (already linked in existing lead, so if you keep the existing lead then you don't need to link it again)
 * British Columbia (also already linked in existing lead)
 * Canada (weirdly not linked in existing lead, so if you keep the existing lead be sure to fix that)
 * Tuberculosis
 * Spuzzum (place)
 * English (the people)
 * Nlaka'pamuxcin (also already linked in existing lead)
 * Fraser Canyon
 * Fraser Valley
 * Nlaka'pamuxcin (the language) (the Wikipedia article is titled "Thompson Language")
 * Christianity
 * You can Wikilink to articles which don't exist but you think should, which you might do for Chief Paul and Chief Peleck (it'll look like this: Chief Peleck)
 * Botany
 * Nursing
 * Merritt
 * Lake Nicola (article is Nicola Lake)
 * Andrea Laforet (also doesn't exist but could do a dead link)
 * Richard Daly does not link to the correct Richard Daly, so don't do that
 * Chris Arnett (has no article)
 * Stein river valley (link to just Stein River)

Note how the first Spuzzum link goes to the first nations page, and the second goes to the place.

Also, Wikipedia articles often have a "use mdy" template (insert -> template -> find template -> use mdy) (there are a lot of different versions that all do the same thing which is notify editors without showing up on the actual article).

Also, to make that cool information box that most articles have, add an "Infobox person" template - it lets you put everything.

The Article
Your article, content-wise, is mostly good, I just have issues with wording and grammar. In those cases, I'll just quote the article and strike through what I think should be removed/replaced and  bold italicize underline  what I would add. (Commas look like this , unfortunately – they are a little hard to notice.)

Birth and Family
"Ultimately, she came to have seven siblings in which she was third of the seven" is worded very strangely. You could combine it with the previous sentence for something like, "York was the third of seven children born to William Benjamin and Lucy Palmer York."

"York's mother had English and Thompson blood  was of English and Nlaka'pamuxcin descent,  mean while her father was a full bred Thompson Indian  Nlaka'pamuxcin  who's  whose  family all originated from Spuzzum territory."

"Essentially, York was a Thompson Indian also known as Nlaka'pamuxcin." Unnecessary sentence.

Childhood
"Annie York's father's bloodline was fully Thompson blood and her mother's bloodline was mixed, so consequently her family could not live together in Spuzzum territory due to her mother not having more Thompson blood" can be condensed better. Something like "Though York's father was a full Nlaka'pamuxcin, her mother's mixed heritage meant the family could not live together in Spuzzum territory."

"Annie lived with her mother's family which were Nlaka'pamuxcin and grew up along side both her grandmothers from her mother's side and Amelia York, grandmother from her father's side" clunky sentence, also use last name: "York grew up living with her mother's Nlaka'pamuxcin family, as well has Amelia York, her grandmother on her father's side."

"Annie came to be bilingual,  speaking both English and Nlaka'pamuxcin or Thompson language."

Personal Life
"In Annie  York  's adult life, she decided to live with her A  a unt Rhoda..." weird wording. Try: "As an adult, York decided..." (also - Aunt only gets capitalized if it's part of the name. "live with Aunt Rhoda" would be capitalized (but inappropriately familiar in this context), while "live with her aunt Rhoda" is not.)

"she prayed and sang in the Thompson  Nlaka'pamuxcin  language as well as translate d  it to English"

York was never married,  nor  did she have  had any children."

Education
" Annie  York  's time was spent largely around  with  her family,  which included listening to families'  family members'   stories." Use of "families' " here indicates that multiple families were telling stories.

"She had great knowledge on the history of Spuzzum,  such as the origin of its name." what was the origin of its name?

"Additionally, Annie  York  was very educated about the Spuzzum chiefs and the impact they  that  each chief had on their people."

"For instance, she learned about Chief Paul and Chief Peleck of Spuzzum through her grandfather Joseph Urquahart and her own experiences." what did she learn? If you don't tell us, this sentence is unnecessary

" Annie  York  also was educated in botany."

"Lastly, in the 1920s,  she studied nursing in Merritt located in British Columbia, Canada ,  but did not graduate."

Folklore
"Annie York was also known as a storyteller, ; she would share the tales about the lakes located in Bri   tish Columbia, Canada." these are two independent clauses and must be connected with a comma and coordinating conjunction, semicolon, or long dash. Just using a comma here is a comma splice. " For instance she shared that  One story she told was of  a lake near Fraser Canyon,  where  the logs at the lake would mysteriously move to the center at night,  and in the morning ,  the logs would be spread  out  again."

" Along with  About  Lake Nicola, York expressed that there was  recounted the tale of  a young girl at the lake who saw an eel and then it  which  caused her to paralyze herself."

Writing Career
"Annie York was a co-author in  of  two published novels, Spuzzum: Fraser Canyon Histories 1808-1939" the italics on "Histories" here stop halfway through the word on accident.

"York also assisted in the making of the film Bowl of Bone: Tale of the Syuwe,  and her personal history was showcased in the film.

"The authors of Spuzzum: Fraser Canyon Histories 1808-1939 were both Annie York and Andrea Laforet"

"The novel takes place in Fraser Canyon in British Columbia, Canada and occurs at the time of colonist inhabiting the land  during colonization ."

" For instance, a  One  way the history is captured is through Annie York's experience along with her knowledge of her families'  family's  experiences"

"In the novel, Annie York showcases the writings on the rocks and gives them meanings,  along with giving the reader an inside  look into  to how people lived in Stein River Valley." What are the writings on the rocks?

" In the film Bowl of Bone: Tale of the Syuwe directed by Jan-Marie Martell and produced by Annie York takes place in the late 1900s."

Contributions
"Contributions" heading - contributions to what? The heading should say generally what this refers to

"Annie York's knowledge about Spuzzum's history and lifestyle and botany has allowed York to be included in many published writings.  has led to her inclusion in many published works. "