User:Neonblak/GA Cup

Lead Early life and education World War II MIT Caltech References
 * The lead should be expanded into two paragraphs at least. My suggestions is to make the first paragraph his topic line and military work, and his university work the second.
 * If you are going to use acronyms for the other schools, you should use MIT as well.
 * "Sands went to the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) in 1950,..." - the word went used for the same purpose in two concesutive sentences, I would variate for better flow. Maybe use attended.
 * "In 1998 The American Physical Society awarded..." - comma after 1998
 * no need for a comma after Oxford, Massachusetts
 * "In high school, he was encouraged by his mathematics teacher, John Chafee, who was a graduate of Brown University." - What was he encouraged to do? Build radios or study mathematics? Sentence is unclear to me.
 * "At Rice he met his first wife, Elizabeth, an undergraduate student there." - comma after Rice. Also, remove the word there, it is an unneeded preposition.
 * comma after 1941
 * you should probably find a different word for unfathomable, its one of those POV types, try unknown
 * same for disgusted, a more encylopedic word would be something like disillusioned.
 * "...which soon changed its name to "Federation of American Scientists"." - You need to include the acronym FAS after the name, since it used in the following sentence.
 * "In 1951, he became head of the Instrumentation division at Brookhaven National Laboratory, where in 1958, he invented the world's first video game to entertain laboratory visitors." - Is this Higinbotham or Sands? If it is Higinbotham, this isn't notable for Sands, and the sentence should be removed.
 * postwar = post-war
 * "...the Massachusetts Institute of Technology moved into a new era of "big science" funded by the US government." - the acronym MIT should be in parenthesis following Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and US should be spelled out, United States (U.S.)
 * "MIT's expansion in physics was encouraged by its president Karl Compton..." - MITS's expansion into''', and a comma after Compton.
 * "Consequently, they were paid a stipend similar to that of a postdoctoral researcher, which was funded by the Office of Naval Research and enabled them to support families during their graduate studies. Sands was one of the four." - Try this, "Sands, along with each member of this group, were paid a stipend, similar to that of a post-doctoral researcher. The funding was supplied by the Office of Naval Research which enabled them to support their families during their graduate studies."
 * "With Rossi as advisor," - should be an advisor.
 * "This information is useful, because most atmospheric cosmic rays are muons." - try, "This study was considered important due to the fact that most atmospheric cosmic rays are muons."
 * "In response, Zacharias asked Sands to lend a hand." - "In response, Zacharias asked for Sands' assistance."
 * "In 1948, Sands divorced his first wife, Elizabeth, whom he had married at Rice, and taken to Los Alamos. They lived in Weston, Massachusetts, with their two children. Almost Immediately, he remarried Eunice Hawthorne who was a sister in law of his high school math teacher, John Chafee, and moved with her into MIT's Westgatehousing units for married students." - In 1948, his marriage with Elizabeth ended in divorce. She remained in Weston, Massachusetts with their two children. Soon afterword, he married Eunice Hawthorne, a sister-in-law of John Chafee, his high school math teacher. They moved into MIT's Westgatehousing units designated for married students."
 * "Early in 1950, the situation came to a head;..." - "...the situation remained troublesome for Sands;"
 * "In 1963 Sands became..." - comma after 1963
 * debating should be deciding
 * "...Sands convinced Feynman that not accepting it would bring even..." - "Sands convinced Feyman that by not accepting, it would bring even..."
 * "After retiring from UCSC in 1985, Sands worked as a consultant for SLAC and also as a consultant for Bay View Elementary School and Santa Cruz High School in Santa Cruz, California, to develop computer systems and physics lab activities for students." - "After retiring from UCSC in 1985, Sands consulted for SLAC, as well as for both Bay View Elementary and Santa Cruz High Schools to develope computer systems and physics lab activities for students."
 * "He also helped write the famous 1964 physics textbook Feynman Lectures on Physics..." - I would leave out the word famous, it's one of those POV words that need explanation if used.
 * Ref #1 - doesn't take me directly to the information sourced, multiple option screens a reader shouldn't have to weed through.
 * Ref #4 - isn't needed and not a reliable source; it has a formatting issue anyway.
 * Ref #7 - doesn't take me directly to the information sourced.
 * Ref #8 - what makes fundinguniverse.com a reliable resource?
 * Ref #16 - no longer a valid link
 * Ref #28 - not formated properly; work=Legacy.com,publisher=Santa Cruz Sentinel