User:Niksoft

User:   Niksoft Country: USA

Hi, I'm Alex.

I really dislike writing serious things about myself, however, before I jump into my satirical biography, I will share a few things about myself and my interests and motivations here. Other than disliking writing serious things about myself, I also really dislike pseudoscience, outright lies, poor research, poor science, spurious correlations (I love the book by Tyler Vigen called "Spurious Correlations" though), especially if it is damaging to people or society and can lead people to make improperly informed decisions. I am not, and will not claim to be an expert in any one thing, but I do know a little bit about a really wide range of topics. I really like humor and satire, and I think that making people smile or take on at least some things in life with a smile is a good thing.

That said:

Alex joined this world for the first time when he was just 10 years old, but having been told that there wasn’t any room for him, and frankly quite discouraged by the fact, Alex had to wait for 2 more years for his next opportunity to join. The world then was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah (not too far from New York City). But unlike if he were actually in Utah, after 2 more years Alex was finally able to join this world for the first time again. From that point on, his life really took off. Fast cars, hot nightclubs, beautiful women, Alex dreamed of them all while living in a tiny, one-bedroom apartment somewhere in the vicinity of the world (not too far from New York City). Finally, one day and a few more years later, Alex decided to actually visit the school he was attending.

After being banished from Harvard for the inability of the teachers to keep up with his learning material, Alex spent his early life attending a secretive, most ancient and noble professional technical collegium. The School of Magical Hands and Technical Wizardry, Hogwarts, a school that is little known to the world; it does, however, have a well-known kindergarten and preschool located on the Franco-Swiss border (not too far from New York City), CERN, where kids digging in the playground sandpit have recently stumbled across the Large Hadron Collider, a failed necromancy master's thesis project that was deemed too simple. At Hogwarts Alex quickly became proficient in most modern sciences and earned degrees in telepatheticity, telekinesis, trollolololology, esoterology, spiritology, soteriology, necromancy, and proctology.

While on spring break, in the early part of the 20th century, Alex traveled the world in search of martial arts he could master. It is said that he settled somewhere in the Himalayas (not too far from New York City), in a secluded monastery run by a twice-exiled sensei, who, over the next 50 years, taught Alex what can best be translated as "Focus Misdirection" - an ancient and deadly, but forgotten martial art that once (accidentally) nearly exterminated the Zhou dynasty. Alex, who was now in his early 20s, became highly skilled in the art of distraction.

Nobody really knows exactly how Alex obtained his superhuman "Focus Misdirection" energy. Historians, however, speculate that at the end of the 2nd century, as the First Qin Emperor of China (not too far from New York City) ordered his people to build him the famous Terracotta Army, (which is known today to contain the figurines of over 8000 human-sized soldiers, 520 horses, 150 cavalry horses, 130 chariots and 1 bobble-head dog figurine for the Emperor's chariot dashboard); Quin also ordered his people to create a figurine of a pink yeti (the rarest), to protect him from the dangers of the underworld after his passing, including that from his enemies, assassins and annoying song-birds that keep waking you up in the morning. It has been said that the figurine had then been taken to the most powerful of shamans of the day, and after decades of travels wielded enormous power. However, something happened to the figurine between its return and the burial of the First Qin Emperor, because it was never buried with his army. Historians speculate that as a part of his training, Alex was to battle a yellow yeti (the rarest) in a top secret cave, high in the mountain tops of the Ladakh region of the Himalayas, 12 km NNE of Markha (peak of Stok Kangri). Local legend says that for 5 days the villagers could hear the roaring and chanting emanating from the cave. On the 4th day, Alex emerged victorious, having slain the yeti by distracting it to death. He then proceeded to go back into the cave because he dropped his pen inside, continuing with the chanting, roaring and distracting, to finally emerge once again on the 5th day having nearly distracted himself to death.

The SS Ahnenerbe, a branch of the secretive part of the already secretive SS ranks, the purpose of which, amongst other things, was to research mythology, folklore, track down artifacts and investigate the paranormal; in 1937 the Reichsfuhrer-SS Heinrich Himmler, founder of the SS Ahnenerbe, organized an expedition to the Himalayas, lead by the German zoologist Ernst Schafer. Officially the expedition goals were to record local legends, folklore, traditions, music, and hunt down the brown yeti (the rarest). The expedition yielded many results, 1600 species of barley, hundreds of species of previously unknown mammals and insects, and zoologists finally uncovered the secret of the centaur; "what you need" Ernst writes, "is a man, and a very curious horse"... Upon trying to achieve their goal to discover and document the nearly lost martial art that was said to have been originated in that area, the art of "Focus Misdirection", the expedition became lost and ended up in a forbidden part of Tibet, being tormented day and night by the Tibetan nucivorous langur monkeys. Two years later, the Japanese will send their most elite spies to attempt to find the ancient art form as well, centaurification and monkeys happened only to the luckiest.

Alex, however, never gave out his secret, and as the story goes, once misdirected a Japanese spy so well that he (the spy) didn't leave Tibet for over 10 years, trying to remember what it was he was supposed to remember to find and do.

Upon his return back to school, Alex started on yet another doctoral dissertation in which through the use of precise sciences, sleep deprivation and dark magic he was finally able to show why Chuck Norris has never cried. The impact of his work was so high that it was immediately made top secret in the world, all copies and evidence of his work were immediately destroyed, and his memories erased. Three days later, Alex had presented his work to a doctorate committee and acquired his second degree in world domination, beating his own record of successfully defending the first doctorate in world domination earlier that same year.

Alex was always very active in the school program, participating in a large number of school clubs and activities. He quickly became known as the Hogwarts shenaniganist; spending much time creating versatile and deeply involved pranks, some of which stuck in the school folklore. It is said that at a boy by the name of Harry Potter accidentally became the target of one of Alex's pranks. The story was so wild that not only did JK Rowling write 7 books about it, but she had to use magic to be able to describe it to her casual readers while cutting out the most of the wildest parts and replacing them with magical hokum.

Having invented the time machine, Alex was expelled from Hogwarts based on a rule that will have been introduced in 2125, when the use of his invention will have been linked to bringing Jesus to the future, an event that seemed like the second coming of Christ. An interview of Jesus by the Pope on 60 minutes invalidated most of the Christian scriptures and beliefs, which caused the Christian church to reevaluate the sainthood of Jesus, who was denounced as a heretic, causing a massive uproar in the religious community, which lead to World War 3. During which an accidental nuclear arsenal discharge by the North Korean president, due to a typical delivery screw-up, while testing UPS as a reliable delivery system, led to the end of the world, which saw the outlaw of time manipulation devices. According to Hogwarts rules, any violation of any past, present or future laws lead to the expulsion of the student. And so, having earned all but one of the offered degrees from the school, Alex was forced to make a choice of either joining workforce or becoming a dictator of a non-US-backed country. But due to the fears of his extreme ability towards world domination, after all, Alex defended over a half dozen dissertations on the topic, the choice was made, and Alex was forced to join the workforce.