User:Notacult

The Saga Begins!
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (Texas), Jesus was roaming the American wasteland looking for some mischief. He came upon a few cowboys shooting innocent civilians and generally having some fun. He thought maybe He should try His Holy Hand at this...

From Jesus to Cowboy Jesus
Jesus was allowed to join the roaming band of cowboy merrymakers. After all, He was the Son of God! He was soon elected to lead to the group because He used His Jedi mindtricks. After successfully leading the group (now named Jesus and Friends) for several years, He thought about turning over the reins to a worthy successor, for He was old and His beard gray. But alas, He could find no one worthy of following in the footsteps of the Son of God! After musing about this for a while and writing a few songs about it (one reached #1 in the UK) (it was called Rocket Man) (you may have heard of it), He decided on a plan of action: He would clone Himself!

I Lied in the Last Subheading...This is the One Where He Really Becomes Cowboy Jesus
I'm sorry I lied in the second subheading. Jesus and His Jedi mindtricks made me do it. But I digress. Jesus set about building his cloning machine. Because even He could not receive federal funding, He had to travel to the distant land of California, where faeries roamed free. Parts for cloning machines were abundant there, because only about three federal laws applied to California. One could conceivable clone a gay baby whale with AIDS in California. Jesus easily found the necessary parts for His cloning machine and got ready to travel back to Texas. Luckily, He remembered to pack enough food for the return journey. He faced many hardships on His way back, not the least of which were zombies, Canadians, and space pirates. Don't ask any questions. As soon as He was safely back home, He set about building and testing His new cloning machine. The first few tests all turned out to be deformed and retarded, but you shouldn't feel too bad. All of them went on to have successful careers as NFL referees. Finally, Jesus was happy with one of His creations. He named it George, but sadly it ran away and got itself elected to political office. After He was over this heartbreaking new development, Jesus was finally able to clone again. Once he cloned one He had confidence in to take over His position as the leader of Jesus and Friends, Jesus named this man Cowboy Jesus (literally, "one who is both a cowboy and Jesus").



Epilogue
Cowboy Jesus was killed at the Battle of the Alamo. Regular Jesus was so upset that He built a time machine, want back to approximately 4 BCE, and started a cult just so He could be crucified.