User:Nutsheller

I work in a factory removing nuts from difficult to open shells. Sometimes these are returns by customers (like pistachios or walnuts), and sometimes they are just nuts that have been picked too early and just haven't had the time to ripen (such as those that have been picked by migrant workers and smuggled to the factory illegally).

Occasionally I moonlight for old women with arthritis who have a love of eating nuts but are unable to because of their affliction. I help put the nuts into their mouth for them.

I recycle the shells and donate them to local country and western bars, where I gladly fling them on the floor in exchange for the token glass of tequila or two (or three or four). I kind of make it a surprise by donating the accumulated shells on the floor while the owner is not looking. That way they are pleasantly surprised.

My current hobby is designing a nutmobile. My first design had a clean white paint job, but was too small and it was too tight of a squeeze -- it wouldn't hold all my stuff. I called it the tighty whitey.

The next two attempts was painted yellow, but they were both too large, and my stuff just banged around while I was driving. I got so frustrated and had such a difficult time parking, and my co-workers kept warning me not to squeeze my lemons so much, you know, into such small parking spaces.

My co-workers are themselves a bit nuts. One works as a database designer who loves meerkats and anime characters, but is fat and lazy and has no friends. She only contacts me by the Internet or by a collect text message. She lives in Texas, and I am amazed that she figured out how to send collect text mails, the cheapskate...

Of course, we aren't paid enough at the factory. Sometimes just to supplement my income, I place two nuts in my mouth, but the boss won't let me walk out the door with them and makes me take them out first.

Mmm, nuts and a Mbanane! Now there's a sockpuppet if I ever heard of one!

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