User:Owen.maier/Hussein Mwinyi/Daniel.chun.ernn.kam. Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Owen.Maier


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Owen.maier/Hussein_Mwinyi?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Hussein Mwinyi

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead - at the moment it seems like you're still working on the lead, or are you using the one that's already in the article? If so maybe you could add a sentence briefly mentioning that he's been doing stuff for the economy, women's right, corruption, etc.

Content

Very relevant content, though I feel some sections seem a little short. Maybe you could spruce it up with more sources, and deeper dives into what his critics have said about him? On what basis do they say he is "not practical"? And - I'm not sure if this is necessarily true - but at least in my experience corruption purges often only help the incumbent party. If that isn't the case, you could flag it out to show how exemplary his behaviour is. If it is the case, it could add more nuance to a generally positive appraisal of his character.

Tone

You have a great neutral tone throughout in your use of language, which reads really well! As mentioned, though, maybe you could feature of the more of the logic of his detractors? It seems unlikely that a politician is widely praised for every policy, and maybe turning to more local news and scandals might provide more insight.

Sources

Most of the content seems well backed up, and skimming through the sources they do seem to agree with what's written and seem pretty current.

One place that still needs a citation:

- "He has also made it easier for small business owners to sell their products by expanding permits to thousands of businesses that otherwise would have been shut down by authorities, permits that according to Mwinyi can further be used to secure loans from banks."

As for their thoroughness, I feel you could maybe use more diverse sources - some local media to at least reflect public opinion on his performance, some deeper dives into his detractors, etc.

Organization

Everything seems easy to read, grammatically sound, and seems pretty well-organized. No comments here!

Overall Impression

I think the content add are great contributions, and provide much more dimensions that originally provided. Still, I feel the paragraphs added are a little short, and often take a rather one-sided approach in discussing his successes. I think with more diverse sources and more content generally this should be a great piece. Good luck!

Response
Hey Daniel Thanks so much for your feedback, it's all super helpful. I really worked hard at making my writing style keep a neutral tone, so I'm glad that you picked up on that. I absolutely agree that my sections are short, I'm working to access more websites with information relevant to the sections. I also agree that most of the sources praise Mwinyi's accomplishments thus far, and I am working to include information about election legitimacy as well as sources that push back against his administration. I'll definitely try to find some local media to do this. My article can keep expanding as long as Mwinyi is president or even a relevant politician, so there's so much more for me to dive into. Thanks so much!