User:Peter Heardgahna

=Peter Goes Swimming=

Scene 1
Peter hears that his Dad is going to take him to have swimming lessons, so he is hiding in the closet.

Dad: Peter, where aaaaaaaaare you? I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just going to take you for swimming lessons!

Peter: You'll never get me alive you f*ckhead!

Dad: AHA! There you are!

Peter: Oops.

Dad grabs Peter, takes all his clothes off, and puts Kady's swimsuit on him.

Peter: You f*ckhead crony! I'll get you for this!

Dad: You won't have a chance! I'm going to DROWN YOU!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Stuffs Peter in a tote bag and ties him to the top of the car.

Scene 2
Dad grabs tote bag and carries it inside swimming pool.

Peter (muffled): You'll never get away with this, sh*thead!

Dad: What have I taught you about swearing, you little sh*tty f*ckhead SOB? Just for that I'm going to torture you before I drown you!

chucks Peter into Locker, lights enormous bonfire around it

Peter: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Peter breaks out from Locker, covered with 3rd degree burns

Dad: Now you're going to pay for being a f*ckhead, f*ckhead! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Takes Peter, throws him in freezing pool

Peter (gasping for air): ARGHHHHHGGGGHHHHH!

Dad: Now for the good part!

Takes off all his clothes and jumps in

Peter: My god are you an ugly b*stard!

Dad: At least I'm not wearing Kady's swimsuit!!!

Kady comes in

Kady: Peter, you f*ckhead, give me back my swimsuit!

Peter: Not a chance, sh*tface!

Dad rips off swimsuit

Peter (deeply embarrassed): I'lll get you for this, you f*ckhead crony!

Dad: BWAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah right. You're gonna die first!

Cuts electrical cable, puts severed end into the water

Peter: D-d-d-a-a-a-d y-y-yo-o-o-u-u- f-*-*-*-c-c-k-k-he-a-a-ad-d-d!!!!

Dad: Har Har Har!!

Group of swim students come in and see Peter

Group: AIEEE!!! There's a naked man in the pool! SCREAMMMM!!!!

Dad: Peter's a man??! OMIGOD! Grabs Peter, ties him to a pole, and kicks him repeatedly in the crotch

Dad: That'll teach you to not tell me you're a guy!

Kady: Ewwwww!!!

Peter: .......!!!!

Brian Wason walks in Brian: Peter's a guy?!!! O GOD! Why didn't anyone tell me before...

Dad, Kady, Group of students together: Before WHAT??

Brian blushes and runs out

Scene 3
Peter's Dad has him stringed up by his thumbs from the 200-foot diving board over shark pit

Peter: You'll pay for this, b*stard!

Dad: Now to have a little fun!! HAR HAR HAR!

Peter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dad comes out on diving board, starts jumping on Peter's thumbs.

Peter: That won't work!!!! HAHAHA!!!

Dad: Lets' try something more hideous.

Kady: Dad, get rid of him already.

Dad: Shut up Kady you f*ucking b*tch!

Tickles Peter all over until he lets go of the diving board.

Peter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brian Wason swings in on rope, saves Peter

Peter: Brian! You saved me!

Brian: Of course! Sharks are too good for you! You get Boiling Oil!!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!

Peter: Brian you f*ckhead!!!

Brian drops Peter into oil and then orders a Pizza

Dad and Kady: YAYYYYY!!!! Now we won't have to put up with that f*ckhead anymore!

Dad: Thanks Brian we owe you, but you're going to have to die anyways. Har Har Har.

Brian: Whu--?

Kady: Dad no! I love Brian!

Dad: All the better!

Throws them both in Shark Pit and walks off to eat Brian's pizza

Pizza delivery guy: AHHH! A naked man!

Dad: I'm a man?

= Peter Goes to the Dentist =

Scene 1: Peter in his dad's house in the morning.
Peter: Hahaha! My *beep*ing dad will never find me under his bed. Hahaha!

Dad walks in, grabs peter, drags him out.

Dad: F*** you! I will now take you to the dentist Peter! har! har! har!

Peter: You'll never take me alive you foul beast! HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJJJJAAAAAAAAA

(karate-kicks dad)

Dad: Why you little f************ head! Have a little of my own sh*t! har! har! har!

(chops Peter on his neck)

Peter: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggg!!! My head! where is my head?!

Dad: Oh, yes Peter, before you go to the dentist, please grab your "head and shoulders" and put them back in place. har! har! har!

Scene 2: Roads
Dad ties Peter in his blanket, and throws him into the trunk.

Dad: Har! har! You shall die slowly and painfully!

Peter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffffffff!!!

Dad: Har! har! har! you can't speak!

Peter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffff!!!

''Without stopping the car, dad pushes a button, and the trunk opens. Peter rolls out.''

Dad: Har! har! har! I dropped you on the road beside the dentist's house... Oh WHHOOOOOPS! It's a highway. Ah well. har! har! har!

Peter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffffff!!!

''Dad drives off. Stops. Violently turns the car around. And drives at Peter.''

Dad: Har! har! har! now I will never have to hear your voice again. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG

''A car driving 100 miles per hour slams into dad's car, and sends it rolling down the hill. ''

Dad: Peter! I'll get you for thiiiiii.........

Peter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffffff!!!

Dentist walks into the highway, ignoring the traffic.

Dentist: Oh! Hi there Peter pooh! You cute little fuzzy ball of mush! Let me get you off this highway before you get hurt!

Car drives over Peter

Dentist: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooppss! too late. so sorry Peter pooh! Now come inside so that I can ... CUT OPEN YOUR TEETH!!!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Peter:    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!

Scene 3: Dentist's office
Peter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffffffff

Dentist: Now Peter, let's unwrap that sheet...

dentists unwraps peter

Peter: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME ALIVE YOU PILE OF...

Dentist: ...and remove your vocal cords.

Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!

Dentist takes out a screw driver

Dentist: if you poke this in the right place, it'll do the job.

Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

''Dentist reaches into Peter's throat and pokes around with the screw driver. Finally, she puts it into something, and begins twisting it.''

Peter: (...)

Dentist: aaaaaaaaahhh! It's working!

Dentist leans over to examine Peter's teeth

Dentist: Aaaaah! I see you have an overbite! Let me fix that!

Dentist takes out a wrench

Peter: (...)

Dentist: Does the job a lot faster than braces, don't you agree?

Peter: (...)

Dentist puts the wrench in an upright position inside Peter's mouth

Dentist: You'll have to keep it that way for a month or two.

peter: (...)

Dentist looks at Peter's teeth

Dentist: Well, well, Peter pooh. It looks like you have some cavities there! fifteen to be exact. Now let's get rid of them shall we?

Dentist takes out a chainsaw

Chainsaw: Vrooom vrooooooom VVVRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM.....

Dentist: hhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!

Peter: (eyes wide, eyeballs sticking out) (...)

Carefully avoiding the wrench, the dentist sticks the chain saw in Peter's mouth.

Dentist: TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN,MY BOY!!!

Peter: (one of his eyes falls out) (...)

Dentist twists the chainsaw sideways, and cuts all of Peter's teeth in the middle.

Dentist: Now THIS is what I call a hurricane!!!

Teeth go flying everywhere

Chainsaw: VVVVVRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Dentist: There! all done.

Peter: (in sign language) Give me my vocal chords back you f***head!

'Dentist: Ooooh yes! the vocal cords!

Dentist reaches into Peter's throat, and pulls a screwdriver out.

Dentist: There you go, Peter pooh.

Peter: (mmmmffff) That's the last time I ever come here!!!

Dentist: Oooh that's too bad! Your dad already made arrangements to do your teeth next week.

Peter: (mmmfff) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Dad comes in

Dad: PETER!!! THERE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE JERK! NOW LET ME FIX THAT BROKEN BACK FOR YOU!!! HAR! HAR! HAR!

Peter: (mmmmmfffffff) NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

= Peter at the Beach =

Scene 1: In the car
Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Dad: NO! Har har har!

Peter: Are we there yet?

Kady: Would you two shut up?

Dad and Peter: NO! Har har har!

Scene 2: The hotel
Dad: Yes, we reserved two rooms in the name Heardgahna.

Clerk: Here are your keys mister.

Peter: FOOD!!!!!!!!!

Peter eats the keys

Dad: F*ck you!

Clerk: I am sorry, spares are $20.

Dad: F*ck you!

Dad karate kicks hotel clerk and her head falls into the fishbowl

Scene 3: The beach
Peter: Boy, it's hot.

Kady: Heheheheh! Maybe youll fry into a big, fat, piece of bacon! Hehehehe!

Peter: F*ck you!

Peter goes into the water

Kady pushes play on her boombox, which, coincidentally, contains the Jaws soundtrack

Peter: AUGHHH!!!! MY LEG!!!! WHERE'S MY LEG?!?!?!?!

Shark: RRRRROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter: Uh-oh.

Brian Wason zooms in on a hangglider

Brian: Hold on Peter! I'll save you!

The shark bites off Brian's sail

The shark bites off Brian's you know what

Brian: AUGH!!!!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO USE THE BATHROOM OR DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: CENSORING... CENSORING... CENSORING... CENSORING... CENSORING...

Scene 4: The sand castle
Peter: Just a little mare sand and I'll break the record for the world's tallest sand castle!

Kady turns her boombox on full blast

The powerful sound waves cause an avalanche which knows Peter's sand castle on top of him.

Narrator: Ten minutes later.....

Dad: PETER!!!! Time to go! We've got more people to murder! Har har har!

Peter: (...)

Kady: Peter pooh!?!?!??! WHERE ARE YOU??????? I want to see that adult tv show on KRZY tonight!

Peter: (...)

Crab pinches Peter on his you know what

Kady and Dad see pile of sand erupt and a you know what shoot out

Kady: OH! How perfectly ADORABLE!!!!! Can I keep it daddy? Please????

Kady and father see peter shoot out of pile of sand.

Kady: Oh! There you are Peter pooh! Look what I found!

Kady shows him you know what

Peter: Cool! Where'd you get it?

Kady: Over there.

Kady points

Peter turns to look

Kady and father see that there is a hole in peter's bathing suit and a crab is hanging onto his buttocks.

Kady starts pulling on the crab.

Peter's buttocks fall off.

Peter's eyeballs fall out.

Peter faints into the water and drowns.

Kady and Dad die laughing.