User:Pfuller3/Consumer economy/KilianJones13 Peer Review

Peer review
This is where you will complete your peer review exercise. Please use the following template to fill out your review.

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing? (provide username) Pfuller3
 * Link to draft you're reviewing: Consumer economy

Lead
Guiding questions:

Lead evaluation
You have no lead in your draft, which I assume is because you plan on simply adding what you have into the current article. I think this is a good idea, though you will have to be sure to add some mention of your content in the lead while also not overly weight it towards your section.

Content
Guiding questions:

Content evaluation
I think your content on a whole is good and detailed, though the organization and grammar/ wording could use a little work. Is there a reason you decided to focus mostly on the US and then added the China section? Also be sure to add links to relevant topics/ people like President Kennedy and so forth, I added some for examples.

Tone and Balance
Guiding questions:

Tone and balance evaluation
Overall well balanced and with out any overt signs of bias.

Sources and References
Guiding questions:

Sources and references evaluation
I don't see any citation or sources for this article so I assume you will be adding these later.

Organization
Guiding questions:

Organization evaluation
This is the spot with the most to work on in my opinion. You start in the 1960's and work your way backwards and I wonder if it would be easier to simply start with the earlier periods and work your way forwards. Additionally as with all writing, a second look through for grammar and word choice could be useful. I did my best to correct some of the bigger issues where it was clear what you actually meant, but I didn't go through and edit all the grammar because I didn't know if it'd be appropriate. If you'd like more in depth edits let me know! Also I'll admit editing is not my forte so you might want to have someone else check it over again. Along those lines, instead of saying "you" I would substitute the word "consumer" or "consumers" instead. For example

""Although this may seem like it contradicts this new consumer driven economy, it helps in the sense that the money that consumers may save by preparing food, utilizing your resources, and spending time more efficiently, the more money that they will have in their pockets to spend on luxury goods. (Things that otherwise wouldn't be purchased if consumers didn't have the extra money).""

I would also stay away from using the word "we" / "us"

Overall evaluation
Overall this I really feel like this is a solid start, and the issues of organization and the need for more precise edits are things that plague any rough draft anyways. With the addition of citations and more concise/specific word choice you'll second draft will be in a good place.