User:Phillyfan27/International Jewish Labor Bund/NateHolliday Peer Review

General info
Phillyfan27
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists
 * International Jewish Labor Bund
 * International Jewish Labor Bund

Evaluate the drafted changes
What the article does well

- The lead is well-crafted and introduces the topic that is being discussed without going into too much information.

- The article does a good job outlining the difference between Zionist beliefs and the Bund's beliefs. As a decently common reader, I can get a good sense of their differences.

- I think the article itself is very well organized and easy to read.

- The article outlines information without any bias or attempt to persuade the reader. All of the sources that were added also seem to be in check.

Small Grammar Errors

- There is a missing comma in the last sentence of the lead and the start of the sentence is not capitalized (I think this is because of the missing citation though)

- There is a missing space in the paragraph after the lead. Right after, there is a missing comma after "however." After the however sentence, I feel like the sentence runs on and can be easily broken up in two to help with clarity.

- Missing comma at the start of last paragraph in the history section. Same sentence is missing a space and a comma.

- There are more. Not going to put them all on here but they should easily be caught with a quick proofread.

What I Think Can be Better

- In the second paragraph of the history section, I feel like you can talk more about what those developments do for the group. I also feel like you can talk about what it means more in general. As a normal reader, I would read that and not really understand what it means or its importance to the group.

- The World Coordinating Committee is brought up in the lead, but there is really no information on it besides that it was dissolved and its executives/members. I feel like more could be added to explain exactly what this is and why it matters enough to be in the lead and have members mentioned. Similarly, I feel like you could add more information on developments that the Bund made while being part of the WCC.

- While there are a few mentions of what the Bund is doing today, I feel like there could be more on their prevalence and overall developments they have made to further their beliefs. While this article outlines what their beliefs are well, it doesn't have much mention of what they have done to make changes.

- My only critique of the lead is that it does not mention differences in Bund beliefs and Zionist beliefs. This topic seems to be a major part of the article and I feel like it could use a mention in the lead. Maybe just like a sentence that states their disagreement would be enough to lead into the actual section.

- I think additions can be made to the leadership section. Maybe there is something important to talk about regarding leadership that can be put into the history section. For example, individuals who were crucial to the IJLB could be mentioned because I don't see any specific people that made changes or proposed the idea for the group itself. Maybe state something that some of the presidents did to make a change.

- Overall, I feel like the article is missing what the IJLB actually did and the changes that it made in history. Maybe a section could be added about specific changes or further developments.