User:Power Of The Dialect/The Love Nest (Play)

The Love Nest is a play written by Northern Irish playwright Sam Cree.

The play premiered in 1971 in the Arts Theatre and was the last play performed in the theatre before it was forced to close due to the growing civil unrest of Northern Irish Troubles.

Act I
Albert Tate ‘an elderly gentleman with a glint in his eye’ enters glances round the room He takes a copy of Playboy from a hiding place in the sofa. He looks at the pin-up when his daughter, Edna Willis, enters. Edna warms him that if he won’t stop looking at pictures like that he won’t live to see his seventieth birthday. Albert replies that if he can’t look then he doesn’t want to live to seventy. Albert goes to leave but Edna takes the Playboy and several others he has hidden. A middle-aged woman called Amelia Hardy enters. Albert shows Amelia the magazine and leaves. Edna guides a shocked Amelia to the sofa and leaves to get her a glass of water. Amelia then examines the magazine with relish. Edna explains to Amelia that she is a member of the Women’s Institute and they have arranged for foreign visitors to stay with her in the name of World peace. Amelia admits that she hopes her long term partner Stanley will propose to her and takes the magazines in the hope of invoking some passion in him. She and Edna leave. Albert returns and goes to the kitchen to sabotage Edna’s cooking. Edna’s husband Alf arrives carrying a cage. He is dressed in fishing gear and sings in joy at the thought of his upcoming trip. Edna returns in time to find her meal in ashes. Edna attempts to talk Alf into postponing his fishing trip but is distracted by the cage. Upon hearing that it is mice she jumps on the sofa in fear. Alf to postpone his trip if Edna lets him keep the mice and she reluctantly consents. Edna explains about the foreign visitors but moments later receives a call from her brother who asks her to come and mind his children as his wife has been taken to hospital. Edna leaves to pack. At that moment a visitor in full motorcycle gear arrives. The visitor is Yoko from Japan. Alf introduces himself with over-the-top bowing. Albert show Yoko upstairs and Edna departs in a taxi. Alf starts to ring friends to arrange somewhere else for Yoko to stay. At that moment Yoko returns from upstairs in revealing clothes. Alf is taken aback at the sight of Yoko, having previously assumed that she was a man due to the motorcycle gear. Alf makes his excuses into the phone and sends Albert to bed, who has been staring wide eyed at Yoko. Yoko offers to cook him a meal, informing him that it is rude not to eat every mouthful and instructs Alf to lay cushions on the floor. Alf starts to lay out the floor. At that moment Amelia returns and stares bewildered. Alf informs her that he will be having ‘it’ on the floor. Amelia asks Alf if he will talk to Stanley regarding their future. Alf agrees as Yoko calls out that she is ready when he is. Amelia leaves, telling Alf ‘your wife’s lucky... I wish it was me!’ Yoko returns with the meal which includes rice, raw fish and a glass of clear liquid that Alf assumes is water. Alf starts to eat the rice but the spices burn his mouth. He drinks the liquid but this burns him even more. Yoko informs him that it is sake and Alf pretends to enjoy it so that he will not hurt her feelings. He then attempts to eat the raw fish which takes a considerable time to chew. As he eats the food he has to remove more and more clothes as he gets hotter and hotter. He then uses various methods to distract Yoko’s attention as he hides the remaining fish in his shirt. Yoko brings a glass and a large jug of water to Alf who ends up drinking most of it. At that moment the doorbell rings and Yoko goes to answer it. While she is away, Alf becomes increasingly frustrated with his need to relieve himself. Yoko informs Alf that the new visitor is in the hall looking for ‘bugs’ and exits upstairs. The new visitor arrives. She is Erika Bresnavitch, a tall, well built, stern woman in stereotypical Russian clothing. Ericka greets Alf and then begins to inspect the room for microphones. Still needing to go to the toilet he asks if Ericka would mind if he left the room. She becomes suspicious and insists on searching him. Erika finds the fish and Alf informs her it is an old custom for curing headache. Ericka insists on delivering a long greeting to Alf who can no longer contain himself. At that moment Albert returns to advise that the lavatory door is locked. Alf runs to the kitchen, telling Ericka he is ‘going to water my hollyhocks’.