User:Ramsha151/sandbox

Sexism in the Work Place

Occupational sexism comes with not just a few but many issues that women of all backgrounds face on an everyday basis. We live within a society that makes sure to make a man's work experience is not problamatic at all. But a woman's area of work is not even given half as much importance only because of their classified sexuality. Living in the 21st century we are still experiencing sexism in general but it is shocking to see that they it is happening towards women who carry the same credentials as a man. If women are different from men, they are put down because they are not capable of living like a man. And if a woman is living to carry herself the same as a man does, she is discriminated against and put down. So many of us wonder what is it that women need to do to be accepted in the workforce? Many studies have shown that women barely working in CEO positions because they are not paid equally as men. ref> Women are mostly found to be working in education and health fields more than in the labor force or business field. Women in general already have a tough time dealing with the discrimination they receive from their jobs, but on top of that they are put down to the point where they are emotionally being impacted. Women are seen to be categorized into being angry and excessively emotional so they are not promoted to leadership positions in companies. But no one judges a man's aggression or expressing of rage as an issue. Woman are somehow always treated unfairly no matter what level of education they have or where they are working. Men are seen to be more fit in certain positions than a woman can ever be and that is the struggle that our society needs to overcome to make women feel comfortable being themselves and appreciating their hard work.Here are some sentences that need to be revised due to them being opinionated and not factual:

-We live within a society that makes sure to make a man's work experience is not problematic (spelled wrong) at all.

-But a woman's area of work is not even given half as much importance only because of their classified sexuality. (don't start a sentence with "but" and think of a way to state this more factually)

- If women are different from men, they are put down because they are not capable of living like a man.

-Women in general already have a tough time dealing with the discrimination they receive from their jobs, but on top of that they are put down to the point where they are emotionally being impacted.

- Men are seen to be more fit in certain positions than a woman can ever be and that is the struggle that our society needs to overcome to make women feel comfortable being themselves and appreciating their hard work.

Overall, I think you have a very good and valid point that you are trying to get across. The issue you have is that you use a lot of opinion statements versus using a factual statement that is backed up by evidence. My suggestion would be to find more sources and finding a way to state your ideas in a more factual manor. For examplr:

" Men are seen to be more fit in certain positions than a woman can ever be and that is the struggle that our society needs to overcome to make women feel comfortable being themselves and appreciating their hard work."

You could try saying it like: " The comparison between men and women in the workplace is that the advancement opportunities are plentiful for men while women struggle to prove their worth" (insert source here)

To answer the questions that Lauire gave is in calss, here you go-

First, what does the article do well? Is there anything from your review that impressed you? Any turn of phrase that described the subject in a clear way?

-The article discusses how women are portrayed in the workplace and how there is unfair treatment between men and women with regard to the workplace. She has valid points and examples of how this occurs each day. She needed to clarify a few of her sentences, but overall her points were well made.

What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article? Why would those changes be an improvement? Make sure to think about reviewing the following sections: Lead, organization, balance, neutral content, sources.

-She needs to clarify a few of her sentences to make her points more clear. She also needed to check her work for grammatical errors. I mentioned that she should try to get more sources and to try to utilize that information instead of using her opinion as much as she did. It is organized and balanced, but she needed more neutral content and more sources.

What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article?

Reread the article and revise it in a ways that her opinion isn’t the main focus and instead she relied on proper examples and proof to prove her point.

Did you notice anything about the article you reviewed that could be applicable to your own article? Yes, with regard to how there is unfair treatment in the work place, I wrote on women in the cinema which is also an arena where women are treated unfairly.