User:Sarahnalbandian/Mursal Nabizada/Starmiffy Peer Review

General info
Sarahnalbandian's work.
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to the draft you're reviewing:The draft link is unavailable because it is a sandbox draft.
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):N/A.

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

'''ALL OF MY EDITS/NOTES ARE BOLDED AND IN. Main notes are bulleted below.'''

Lead

Mursal Nabizada was born in Nangarhar Province, Afghanistan, in 1993. Nabizada (Pashto: مرسل نبی زادہ; c. 1991-2023) was an Afghan politician, lawmaker (CUT: and) critic of the Taliban (CUT: who) (and) (CUT: served as) a Member of the House of the People from Kabul (This is confusing, is the member of the house the Taliban or Nabizada; Include the years that she served as a Member of the House of the People). Nabizada was killed (by the Taliban) in January of 2023 in her home located in Kabul (CUT: by the Taliban).


 * Overall this lead is okay, you can work on the phrasing of it all in order for it to flow more smoothly. I would recommend adding more dates and reducing your run-on sentences. Leads are meant to be short and sweet, but if you cram too much into one sentence it gets stuffy and hard to read. Focus on the eloquence of this lead in order to start off strong on your article.

Early Life

Nabizada was born in Nangarhar Province, Afghanistan, in 1993 in Arzaan Qemat within district (Shouldn't district be capitalized?) 12[1]. Nabizada received her bachelor's degree from Balkh University in Northern Afghanistan.[2] (Include the year if possible)


 * This is fine but I would try harder to expand upon it further. I completely understand if there is a lack of sources and information surrounding your figure, that it would be difficult to expand. But it may be beneficial to try and add a few more sentences if possible.

Career

Nabizada was elected to the House of the People, the lower chamber of the National Assembly, to represent Kabul in the 2018 Afghan parliamentary election. Nabizada received a total of 1,396 votes in the Wolesi Jirga.[3] The inaugural session of the term was held on 29 June 2019 (Try this format: June 29, 2019). She sat on the parliamentary defence commission (Parliamentary Defence (is defence spelled correctly?) Commission should be CAPITALIZED). She served in the National Assembly until the [takeover of Afghanistan] (Why is this in brackets?) in August 2021 and was one of the few female members of parliament who stayed in Kabul after the takeover. Outside parliament, she worked for the Institute for Human Resources Development and Research. She was also an active member of the Inter-Parliamentary Union (IPU). She attended many conferences such as the one in New York in 2020 hosted by the IPU. [4] Nabizada also did non profit (Should be non-profit or nonprofit) work at the Institute for Human Resources Development and Research. However, in December 2022 the Taliban issued a statute denying women (CUT: the) access to participate in public spheres of work including non governmental (Should be non-governmental or nongovernmental) organizations, university matriculation, and (CUT: are) (were) barred from being employed.[5] The Canadian government had a common goal by creating a coalition to free Nabizada from Afghanistan alongside 8 other women (CUT: that) (who) were formerly in the Afghanistan Parliament. This effort to take the women out of Afghanistan into Canada began in October 2022, 4 months before Nabizada's death. [6]


 * This paragraph flows smoothly and I can understand it well. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but otherwise this paragraph reads well and is highly informational.

Death

At around 3 am (3:00 am) on 15 January 2023 (Change to January 15, 2023), Nabizada was shot to death on the first floor of her home in Kabul, along with one of her personal bodyguards Ismail,[7] by Malyaar (Who was Malyaar? Give a short description of them).[8] She was 32. Her brother and a security guard were injured. Another security guard fled with money and jewelry. Mursal Nabizada was one of the first victims in a string of 600 murders who targeted former members of the NRF and opposition figures in the Parliament. Within the first year of the Taliban takeover they carried out an illegal campaign where they arbitrarily arrested and detained 1,976,914 people.[9] Before her death, Nabizada was given a humanitarian visa to try and escape Afghanistan. [10] Police officers Khalid Zadran and police chief Molvi Hamidullah Khalid were the officials in charge of the investigation. Antonio Gutierre, a secretary general for the UN made a statement arguing that the Taliban is acting with complete impunity towards women and wants to conduct an independent organization.[11][12] After her death, the Canadian and UK Parliament worked together to help other women who (CUT: are) (were) seeking shelter out of Afghanistan. [13] [14]


 * Same as the paragraph above this reads well and flows smoothly. There are a few grammar mistakes but that is an easy fix.

General Feedback


 * You all have under 500 words and the required amount is 800-900 words, as I recall. This is something to keep in mind when working on your final draft!
 * All the content is neutral so great job!
 * All of your sources are current, my only concern is that some of the sources are online articles. I am unsure if we are allowed to use those sources. I recall the professor mentioning all sources must be published by a university press or a fact-checked journal. This is something you can personally clarify with the professor though!
 * Overall, your information is sound and neutral. You need to work on your grammar and punctuation. Make sure to double-check the validity of your sources. Try to add more information and gather more sources so you can hit the word minimum.