User:Shadowydark/sandbox

Depression

It’s not that I don’t want to feel happy, it’s just despite how hard I try I can’t bring myself to be happy. I feel embarrassed ashamed of myself hurt and suffocated. Why did I have to be this way? I have a great family, amazing friends, and good academic results. On paper everything is ok. But all I see is sadness and grey. It’s like there’s this anvil on me pulling me to the ground and however hard I try I can’t bring myself up, to care about anything, to care about my health. Living has become this constant nightmare for me. It just not fair at all. And all society will tell me is to try yoga, try meditation go for a walk. All I would tell them that this cannot be solved with exercise. It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my entire life; my schoolwork, my education, my life. And to this day despite all my efforts to explain, I’m always met with hesitation. My fellow pupils ask me: “why are you always so sad?” I tell them I don’t know…….. I don’t know. What I do know is that I wake up every morning feeling like absolutely crap, and now that’s become normal for me. I’m afraid of the world, I’m afraid that I would always stay being judged for something that I can’t control at all. What’s the fairness of this all? Does anyone think I like to see myself fall in this hole of self-shame, hate and sadness? So I hide them I build a wall, a wall that is so high that you won’t see any of my pain and misery. I create this character, and he’s perfect, he’s invincible, he’s brave, he’s smart…. So I carry on living these 2 lives: one for the public and one for only me to see late at night. That’s easier not admitting that I have a problem, and that’s the problem. The shame is real people. And it will not go away until we realize that mental health is a big deal. It’s a hidden disease that’s affecting so many lives; waking up and listening to the silent cries, it’s the kid who never speaks or the man who is always tired or the boy that is too emotional. Depression is the hell inside me, and it eats me up daily.