User:Shichibukai920

Albertoism is a religion that originated in the 1960s by a hippie but it was widely practiced before by a number of individuals including Albert L'Ouvier, Albert Einstein and finally Albert Pujols. By the 1960, these various beliefs were officially written in the Great Book of Silence. Albertoism is believed to have originated in the Roman Empire after Publius Scipio had a dream that one day a child who does not age known only as Alberto shall one day descend upon the Earth to bring glory to Italians and save the Earth from evil.

Origins
During the time of the Roman Empire, there was much whining from various Christians about persecution. Despite attempts to convert them to Aphrodite, Dionysus and Zeus the promise of debauchery and sex failed. As such more people converted to Christianity. Even worse, the Romans were being threatened with attacks from the Goths. In their moment of desperation, it seem that no one would help them. One day however a short person who appeared around the age of 12 even though was seen in Publius Scipio's dream. He told them that in order to fight off these invaders they would have to take a dive. And so that is what they did. They fell over at the sight of the Goths and clutching their knees. The Goths feeling sorry for the weak Romans allowed them to give them a free hit. And so the Romans won the Battle Philippopolis. And so to this day thanks to this God who referred to himself as Albert, Italians continue nowadays to take a dive for the sake of free points. The Romans began converting to this new God some admiring his pecs. Homosexual Romans were also fans due to his cuteness but at the same time the new Cult of Albert was popular with woman.

WWI and WWII
The Italians under the guidance of Albertoism began to fluorish. However eventually they became embroiled in war. As such for the sake of guidance, they visited their temples and prayed to the Golden Pecs of Alberto. Alberto after much deliberation decided that the best course of action for the Italians was in order to get the best of the lols and drama that they would initially be on one side and then join the other side just to annoy the Germans as they continually offer sausages rather then 72 virgins before his sacred temples. The approach however according to Italy didn't offer the best result as the Italians were forgotten and treated like douches by Americans and British who were still bowing before false Gods as opposed to Albertoism.

In WWII, Benito Mussolini became dictator and also Adolf Hitler lapdog. Hitler angered that he would never be as beautiful as Alberto immediately alongside with Benito began a persecution campaign while burning down any temples. The God Alberto angered by the death of his loyal followers appeared before George S. Patton and did the chicken dance for him. The dance however was a coded message that taught them new military tactics. Furthermore, he also appeared to Charles de Gaulle and provided him with information by break dancing a series of intelligence to him. To this day, break dancing and the chicken dance remain a important sacred dance among followers of the small yet great God Alberto. America and British also converted to Albertoism. The Soviet Union the most loyal followers of Albertoism who offered millions of Russian virgins to the God Alberto were naturally annoyed that their communist idol didn't appear to them. And so they began the Berlin Blockade in response to this. Alberto in order to solve the conflict in Palestine winked and filled up Arab lands with oil. As for the Jewish, they were merely ordered to cut off 10% of their penis. Despite this compromise, the conflict still continues and at the same time America continued to give more weapons to dictators and the Soviet Union continued to oppress people still jealous with the lack of Alberto's blessing.

Alberto annoyed at the state of the world, decided to descend upon Earth and make things right. And so it was that the 2000 year old prophecy of the saviour's coming finally came to be on 28/5/09

The coming of the saviour
Alberto finally appeared upon Earth in 1992. By the age of 15 he came to realise that he was the saviour after seeing breakdancing ritual on So You think you can dance which was performed in an attempt to bring the inner awesomeness out of the God Alberto. Upon realising his role, Alberto DeAngelis (note: Alberto is de Angel and 'Bold, Earnest, Agile') began his quest to master the 4 skills of awesomeness, cuteness, soccer diving and silence. To this day, he has accomplished the following...
 * Saving his future apprentice, the somewhat awesome 5 from an evil witch named Barbara Smith
 * Kicked an infidel and breaking his neck in 21 places
 * Dumped a prostitute cause she had a chicken farm
 * Fight a 3 headed snake
 * Saved the Earth from an invasion from alien robots
 * Helped a lost ghost
 * Saved some princess by splitting into 4 different personalities including Albertina, Albertos, Albert
 * Become the world's greatest detective and brought a Manga Murders to justice

The Stories of Albertoism
''Story 1: In the beginning there was a large blob of nothingess. And then Alberto said 'Okay this sucks, I can't read my Alphabet of Manliness.' And so he explored from this dark ball and created light to read his Alphabet of Manliness. Of course then he realised that the scenery was a bit boring. So he pulled out his leg hairs which formed the planets and stars. And just to be a bit elitist he made one planet now known as Earth the only habitable one and made people and animals with the pus from his pimples. And as he was in the mood for sport, he taught his people how to play soccer and in the subsequent match in which he smashed his creations 50 to 0, his sweat formed rivers and rains. However he then realised that his entire population were male so just to compensate for men who didn't wanted to have anal sex he chopped off the penises from a few men and made male. Alberto seeing that all was good, the setting was nice to read his book and he had proven that he was an unbeaten athlete then went back into his home in the sky where he proceeded to fire his lazer at invading alien souls known as the Thetans. He save humanity from a lifetime of misery''
 * Story 2: Alberto came down to Earth one day and saw that his people in America had created slavery. Seeing from his schedule of creation that the oppressed African race would one day bring unto the world entertainment such as Eddie Murphy and that they would render the sport of basketball obsolete, he inspired Abraham Lincoln to free his people. Naturally the oppressors refused and so in a fit of anger Alberto brought unto them the great turkey slap of plagues such as a bit of ethnic cleansing, storms and other stuff. Oh and he decided to inspire the other side from the North to victory by appearing before them with his shining figure which shone all the way to Egypt. The Egyptians upon seeing his figure decided 'OMG, we've been worshipping the wrong Gods' and built many Pyramids for him as a result

What Albertoists really believe
1. When we die, we will go to heaven and we shall all look like Alberto DeAngelis 2. One must remain as silent as possible to not disturb the peace 3. There are many Gods but Alberto makes one of the most awesome Gods 4. In life, we must take 'dives' in order to garner sympathy for the sake of rewards 5. Alberto's leg hairs are the most perfectly hairy legs ever. 6. Alberto shall come again and judge people by those he likes and those he doesn't 7. Soccer is a sacred sport of Alberto. The FIFA world cup is a ploy to see which country is most dedicated to Alberto. Brazil and Italy are currently fighting for this position 8. Alberto likes virgins to be offered to him like Girls Gone Wild. Anyone who provides sausages to his temples shall suffer the extreme consequences 9. Global Warming is merely a by product of farting as Alberto with each being a musical note in his orcheastra in the sky. Don't worry if he does come, he'll save the good people 10. Anyone who disobeys him will be sent to AntiBert underneath the Earth