User:Shmikeheaven/The Book Of Shmike

Decoding
I Troy have now decoded, Dissected if you will, the last Book Of Shmike. A Book that talks of the many ways that you can get into shmike Heaven. Here i shall present some of my translations for you, the wikipedia nation. They may seem convoluted, and may require advanced trigonometry to understand, but to those who can, they are a sight to behold.

Now, as i sit here in my dark quiet room, not lonely, who could be lonely when they've got a complete book of nuclear physics beside them? I know that I couldn't. Also, to remove the boredom, i've got some smooth jazz on in the background, it gives my bedroom, with it's luminous star trek posters, and infinite army of dark elven warriors a complete feeling. My rooms so cool that no one could come in and not gasp in delight at the vast array of beautiful dictionaries in it. Except that is, possibly, one of those "Girls" with there cooties, they just don't have the knowledge of computers to love my room, who needs fashion and bright colours, revealing clothes when you've got hard drives, and external modems galore!!!

Anyway, back to the Book. Step inside, join me on a journey to a realm beyond our imagination, where skin, instead of being that revolting smooth substance, is the beautiful, sensitive metallic glare of titanium, and Steel. A world of dreams, dreams of 500GB computers and nuclear reactors. Come on it, and don't get lost inside... Don't forget to bring the spare key (or the Doctors screwdriver, as it can break through any door)

ab aeterno
Once there was a man. A man, a man with a name, this name was Ash. he liked Ketchup and long winter strolls. He was sleeping. He dreamt of a land of green and blue. And so it was. He dreamt of spheres that went around in a giant mass of black. And so it was. He dreamt of things living on one of these spheres. And so it was. Finally he dreamt of fruit that tasted of chocolate. And so it wasn't.

Eventually he awoke and sent two of his minions down upon the ground, they were called Jack and Elise. He hoped for them to reproduce, and so create a race (and also he liked watching). His plan failed, Jack turned out to be a transvestite. This would not have mattered because Elise was a Lesbian, and so was attracted to the feminine clothing, but Jack was homosexual as well, which cause great problems.

Meanwhile, Ash send two more people out, and they created a great empire. The empire soon encased Jack and Elise and so to try and save them Ash seduced Elise, and she became pregnant. Nine months later, a baby was born. Elise wanted to call him Jack after the one she really loved, but Ash insisted that he be called Shmike, and so he was.

And so the first chapter of The Book of Shmike was finished.

Monsters
From this we can take a couple of important factors about Shmike Heaven. We can clearly see that it has to be true, because it confirms the existence of 'pocket monsters', which we all know exist in deepest darkest Peru. These monsters have been around for centuries, and only lately have been discovered by some Japanese explorers who have used them as inspiration to great smash hit computers games, and personally, one of my favorite anime ever. I even know people who have been named after these great and powerful monsters.

First Creation
We can also clearly see that one of the first things created by 'Ash' the creator of everything, was the bucket of paint, as what else would he have used to colour this great computer? (Douglas Adams confirmed it) How else would the internal hard drive, which is always moving, and occasionally has faults which cause it to erupt onto the surface and flow down upon the external computer, sometimes scratching it be the red, lava colour that it is without it being painted with Crown paints?

Fruit Into Chocolate
The next part of the chapter is standard stuff, until we get to the fruit that tastes of chocolate. This, taken at face value, simply says the obvious, that everything that feels good at the time will turn out badly at the end, and if we just force ourselves to work at things we don't like for all our live we will be fine. I started this out this morning on fact when i tried to talk to this "Girl" it was a horrible experience, and i feel like i'm coming down with something, but it will all be worth it in the end. But also, surprisingly, the fruit into chocolate, if we look very closely for hours at it, that fruit can never be like chocolate, which I'm quite happy with to be honest, as i prefer a good, hard banana to chocolate any day. That fruit can never be as sugary, with as creamy a texture. Fruit will never melt down your throat like an Aero, and a tomato is never 'not for girls'. This idea puzzled me, because, as far as i know, "Girls" don't own banana's, unless, of course, they're ingrown, or something grotesque like that. On the topic of bananas, I Troy, great mind, winner of award after award have never understood what they are truly for. You can't use them to type on a keyboard, or bite them anxiously as you await for your latest exam results (although you know you've got an A, of course) You can't look through them, hear from them, or do anything much. I've seen moves with a torture of them being removed, and to me they an Achilles heel, (Although, apparently, you wouldn't want to get them hit by an 'Achilles heel').

Problems
Anyway, back to the Book, there is not much else that I am able to take from this first chapter of the Book Of Shmike. All i can tell from it is that it has a moral which is that everyone has problems, even higher beings (the problem of Sexuality), and that you aren't the only one, so don't moan about it. You've lost your banana guy in that film? So what, at least you still have the ability to program computers using Php. Guy in town busking, you've no money, no job, nothing but a blanket and clothes, and maybe an instrument... But, surely you could sell your shoes for some paper and a pen, maybe even a mechanical pencil, they have a rubber in them, and then you could do some algebra to happy spend your time; maybe you could even get people to pay you to answer sums for you, although, who wouldn't want to do maths i don't know. Basically, don't moan, you always have your brain, you can do mental arithmetic wherever you are.

There is my opinion on the first chapter of the Book of Shmike, more shall be added soon.