User:Sikki Kelevra

Shane Osko [The following was written during the month of April 2010]

I feel like i need to type...im not exactly sure what but i just feel like i need to type. im getting tired of it. im not the kind of person who shares things, and even sharing them on this computer pisses me off. Were meeting my dad for lunch tomorrow...yippee:( i could really care less. as long as he pays the phone bill im fine with him not being around. after all im used to it. i grew used to the lack of a father figure long ago. My mom takes credit for raising me with the roles of both parents however that is how she feels. i know the truth though. i never had a father as far as im concerned. My dad was never really there for me and i never really felt close in a paternal sense or in any sense to him. He always seemed like the "friend you come in contact with every so often" to me. What with always showing up late for his visits with me as a child, or moving to florida and calling every few months or so, or even now...texting me every couple of weeks to check in on my classes. never really just to talk...then again i never felt conformable enough to talk with him about the aspects of my life anyhow. it would still be nice just to have the option.....even though i know i could'nt do it.

We share nothing in common...he likes star trek i like star wars. I like dethklok, and 70's and 80'smusic,he likes Jim mothafucken Brickmen. Piano really? i refuse to listen to it just by the thought of how terrible it would pale in comparison to betoven. You want piano? Sonata number 23 op 57 "The Appasionata"is where its at. That is by far the most beautiful thing i have heard in my life. Especially when performed by Valentina Litista (i believe thats her name). I never really feel as if i could open up to him or that i ever will he's just there. Even when he would pick me up for his court appointed weekend visits he was just....there. "Dad wanna play catch?" "I'll play later"... Dad it's FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON! SLEPT ENOUGH? Sure we did have good times playing catch and all but the wait grew to be unbearable at times.

Anyway with the lack of a father most times and the only other male i was ever constantly exposed to being a neurotic, nimrotic, asshole (in my point of veiw) you start to see what i mean. I was always told, "he's raised you and put a roof over your head since you were [insert age as it changes everytime the story is told]" Well sure i've HAD to live with him but given the choice i'd rather attempt to fend for myself even if it were to end in my own demise. He has not raised me, and i hate when he attempts to claim me as his "son" or even "stepson" for that matter. I feel no love, no compassion, no remorse nothing for that man. Sure he's done a share of things he may not have had to do so i would be able to do what i wanted but who hasn't? 1 great deed is not enough to redeem a man from a life time of wickedness. Im not saying hes a bad person perse just an absolute dumbass. When a puppy or a fully grown dog is barking you don't threaten it and yell at it, and call it a "moron". It's a dog...dogs bark. How about you shut the hell up and investigate. Is there someone outside? perhaps a bug or rodent is crawling around. Maybe someone dropped something. Dogs do have sensitive hearing. Maybe it senses a certain uneasiness from the people around u who can anticipate your evey thought and feeling since your actions are so predictable.How about you think instead of insulting these animals? Standing in an empty doorway staring into another's dark room at 3 a.m. is not "checking to see if they're asleep" (especially when it's none of your damn business. if they're not it is THEIR responsibility to compensate for it the next day) it is mearly a one way ticket to getting hit in the teeth with a golf club slid behind the door. It's not considerate in anyway shape or form. IT'S CREEPY. When someone checks to see if you're asleep its understandable. that is caring. that is if u open the door and look then leave. but to open the door and look for moments at a time scurrying off only when breached with the word "what" you need to do some serious thinking on A) your time B) what is acceptable in life and what is not and C)possibly your sexuality.

So being without my "dad" and doing the exact opposite of what the "father figure of your household [who had no dad as it was]" tells you is right or acts in front of you, and depending on a woman to teach the male half of the spectrum of a growing boy all i had was myself. I relied heavily on pop culture. Making role models of the people i thought had the right idea. I looked up to Joey Tribianna from friends for sex appeal, Indiana jones to be tough. Kurt Cobain to relate to another hurt troubled soul, Fonzie for being cool, hell even Red Foreman to know men dont share feelings. I looked up to washed up film stars or dead junkies or television characters to shape my personality because they seemed to know it all. No wonder i feel so hollow. When i lose it all i look to Zak Wilde to make me feel even emptier. On the rare occasions i feel happy i have nothing because no matter how happy i am it's never enough to change how my personality has become. i may put on a show but in the end i know that in the end i will always just be the way i feel about my dad. When it all comes down to it, i'm just....there. I really have no way to define me. Sure i may make an impact on some things or some people, but ill never do good enough to impress by hardest critic...myself. I feel as if im destined for greatness....for something more...but i lack the motivation and the hopes and dreams to get there. I dont know what i want to do really, what i want to be all i know is the person i made myself from childhood on up isnt going to let me do it. I dont care about school, i know what i want cant come from an education. It cant come from a job either i guess all i ever really wanted was for someone to be there but they never were and never can be because of what i made myself. And so ive come to realize maybe with a proper male figure i could have found that key aspect that would have fixed the puzzle...unlocked the mysteries of my mind...gave me something to look forward to...to be. But thats the day that will never come. So now i rest and think on it and ill come up with the same theory tomorrow and the day after forevermore however i suppose the one thing ill always have will be the same as its always been before...myself.. What a treat:(

I'm ready...I'm dead....On the inside at least. I found something... Something I've been running from. Hiding from, and i didn't think i could possibly face it, yet i knew deep down the only way to over come it was to face it. For those of you that were there for me on the night it happened you know what i speak of. I had to do it, ready or not...I had to test myself. I felt no compassion...no pain....In fact a part of it was comical to me. The line that really stood out to me was one that was spoken to me, "It burnt out." It was odd to see those words, especially coming from an individual who criticized me for that mentality. The only thing i can think is that at least it didn't fade away...The point being i found my demons, i faced them, and i overcame them. Granted i may have had unorthodox methods of doing so however the fact remains the same: I am ready, I am dead, and I am finally okay with it too the fullest extent.

Sikki Aleister Kelevra'''

Once known as another until: 9/14/09 a day that will live in infamy to me for-evermore. I fought a losing battle for so long. Why? Because i still had hope and there is no reason to desert a cause as long as there are those who still believe in it. Finally it was done. I saw the words i had feared. I had to get away. I walked out...towards down town. Where was i going? No idea. To keep on walking? To cry on a doorstep? Finally i made up my mind.

I was going to the bridge down town. It seemed suitable enough. As i stood there one foot dangling off into the cold night air i felt no remorse, no "what if" feelings, no second guesses. This was my place. I could feel Odin welcoming me across Bifrost. It was time. As i began to let go, time stood still. I saw something which i cannot fully tell what it was to this day even. A flash of pure white light, the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. It enveloped me and warmed me. It showed me that, "When you've lost it all thats when you finally realize that life is beautiful." I re-grasped the rails and slid back over to the pavement. Heading down the street i no longer knew who or what i was just that i was me no more. I headed off to the cemetery across from Roosevelt. I was dead. I needed to be with my own.

I was born anew in my eyes, i needed a way to make myself such. After months of wandering through the chasms that brought me so much pain i found a way for them to give me solace. I stopped eating, i stopped sleeping the dead need neither. I was Stillborn in a new life. Throughout a period of months i discovered a way to internally kill myself. Making merciful deletions of my memories thoughts and feelings. Finally i had a clean slate to fashion myself into what i pleased.

I couldn't look at myself in any mirror, every time i heard my name it would make me convulse with disgust. I was anew and i needed a name to further help along the process of being well me.

Sikki- Nikki Sixx called himself this during his addiction days and without The Heroine Diaries i really don't think I'd have come this far.

Aleister- Edward Alexander Crowley (Aleister Crowley The Great Beast 666) One of the most brilliant and contreversal occultists of all time.

Kelevra- Hebrew for "Bad Dog"

My outlook on many things has changed. I not only see the worst in all but the beauty as well. Both sides of the spectrum are vividly in front of me about all and all things. I've made myself into a thing really. Many emotions i can still block out with ease because they mean nothing to me. I barely feel the need to eat or rest and almost anything selfish or carnal is unknown to me now. As far as i'm concerned i died that night.

So here we are at the end, and at the same time we're at the beginning of this misadventure.Why I had to go down a dead end street at 200 miles an hour screaming for vengeance and embracing death, That's still something I'm trying to figure out. You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan to expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal. It got so convoluted, polluted, and distorted I ran with the only information I was given... I turned it into my armor, my defence mechanism, And my weapon of self destruction.

How I got there? That's a story told by many voices. It's not my job to blame anybody anymore, I just need to accept the path I was given.

This is, without a doubt, My life... after death.

Nowadays i spend my time chasing the affection of those whom will never return it, being addicted to sleeping and caffeine pills mixed with any hard liquor i can acquire. Devoid of my former emotions and most memories slowly trying to gain back any type of feeling for my former self. Wish me luck.