User:SjolieW1/Financial inclusion/Imanqadir Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

SjolieW1


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:SjolieW1/Financial_inclusion/Bibliography?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_bibliography


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Financial inclusion

Evaluate the drafted changes
Overall, your drafted changes are insightful additions for the Financial Inclusion article. In terms of organization, I think your placement makes sense, as it expands of the discussion of how finances can be exclusive of women, lower income communities, and rural communities. I would recommend a bit of a transition between your additions and the article itself, as it seems a bit abrupt. In terms of content, I think you chose good information to include for this topic. I like that you gave the example of pay day loans and predatory financial practices in communities that are underserved in terms of financial literacy. I think the most important part of your draft is probably the section about public sector initiatives that are attempting to close the gap in financial services and literacy. If you want to add more content to this article, I would recommend expanding on this section, as it seems most relevant to the topic of financial inclusion. You bring CA Bill AB-423 and discuss what the bill seeks to achieve, which is a helpful example to include. However, I don't think you adequately discussed what need/service the bill is attempting to fill, which is important information to include. Lastly, I liked that you gave a bit of context and info about what demand & supply side barriers look like, its super helpful for people that might be new to the world of financial services/literacy. The biggest area that needs improvement is grammatical errors. There are a significant amount of grammatical mistakes that make your contribution a little difficult to read. Particularly, some run-on sentences and other incomplete sentences. Also, there are gaps in the spacing between words and commas that need editing. Otherwise, your draft looks really good!