User:Snowdrop1995/Varlen Pen/J43won 77 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Snowdrop1995


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Snowdrop1995/Varlen Pen
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Varlen Pen

Evaluate the drafted changes
1) Chong Gwanchol (1916-1983), his collegue at the Pyongyang College of Arts, claimed Pen had spent over 2,103 hours training both students and faculty during his 15 month stay in North Korea.

=> (typo in colleague)

According to Chong Gwanchol (1916-1983), his colleague at the Pyongyang College of Arts, Pen had spent over 2,103 hours training both students and faculty during his 15 month stay in North Korea.

2) He originally decided to go back to the Soviet Union to heal and to restock on his art supplies.

=> (little edit)

His original decision was to visit the Soviet Union to heal and restock on art supplies.

3) "Return to the Soviet Union" part seems bit biased toward Varlen Pen.

The passage focuses on North Korea's mistreatment on him, and the overall tone is negative toward North Korea.

Suggest changing some words into ones with more neutral nuance.

3-a)

Due to his refusal, he was no longer able to travel back to North Korea. Additionally, Pen's name was eradicated from North Korean art history.

=> (suggest changing no longer, additionally)

Due to his refusal, he was unable to travel back to North Korea, and his name was eradicated from North Korean art history.

3-b)

Even though his “field sketching” technique and the ‘Chosonhwa’ division he created remain at the Pyongyang College of Arts, Pen is not credited.

=> (suggest changing even though) ("he created" feels like a redundant)

While his "field sketching" technique and the 'Chosonhwa' division remain at the Pyongyang College of Arts, Pen is not credited.

Most criticisms were about the tone of the passage, "Return to the Soviet Union." Otherwise, the overall article was great. References are newly written and credible. Moreover, the new version fills a large information gap that the previous version had, which were written in proper english supported by sourproper ces.