User:SpeedyGuyGustix/sandbox

John Gustix Hyam, (born 14 August 1932, Penge, England), also known as SpeedwayTroll, is a retired lamplighter, retired Speedway journalist, and professional troll.

Early Life
John was born at an early age. He was found 2 days old on the steps of Penge orphanage. (Actually he was found in the middle of the road as the orphanage doors opened outwards). Pinned to his coat was a note which read "Keep your head down. The orphanage doors open outwards".

Career in Speedway
John first saw speedway at New Cross on Wednesday 17 April 1946. He said "I knew so little about the sport that I thought the race was on when the riders were only cruising round the track from the pits to the starting gate. I was terrified when the race started and they roared into the first bend where I was on the terraces. Ron Johnson (New Cross) won from team mate Phil Bishop after the visitors Ron Clarke and Jack Parker had engine failure.  Johnson's time was 61.8 seconds which compared to 58 second track record for the 262 yard track set by George Newton in 1938. Great riders I saw that night included Johnson, Parker, Clarke, Tommy Price, Oliver Hart, Geoff Pymar.

John had a break from the sport when he was called up for National Service. A glorious wartime career saw him highly decorated by the Kaiser.

John was with the British Expeditionary Force, in Cherbourg, in September 1939 when the first shot was fired. (He was back under his bed in Penge by the time the second shot was fired).

After the war he started writing letters to the "Speedway News" under the pseudonym "Jack Keen". They got their solicitors to write some back.

Undeterred, he wrote match reports about the speedway meetings he attended. He sent sample articles to Speedway News and asked what he should do with them. They wrote back and told him exactly what to do with them.

He continued to make a nuisance of himself in print until the advent of the internet led to a new career as a troll on the British Speedway Forum website.

In Popular Culture
In An American Werewolf in London, Hyam is a reporter on the match between Rab Smith and Cliff Lazarenko.

Hyam played saxophone on Gerry Rafferty's hit Baker Street.

He once dressed as the Belgian penguin on an episode of Jeux Sans Frontiers with his friend Stuart Hall.

He trod on Bob Marley's toe in a charity football match, leading to his eventual death.

John is a founder member of the Cheryl Cole Fan Club (Penge Branch)

Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him.

John can swim 7 lengths underwater, and has webbed buttocks.

He once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner and is now banned from the Chelsea Flower Show for life.