User:Stolp.micah/Janet McCloud/KristynStahlcker Peer Review

General info
Stolp.micah, Weyesandromeda
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Stolp.micah/Janet_McCloud
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janet_McCloud

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead: seems to be overly detailed compared to the original lead sentence. Rework a little for more conciseness.

Ancestry and Early Life: Edit, formatting of sentences seems off. (Her childhood was marked by poverty and her stepfather drank and had trouble finding work) Mixing of sentences throughout the paragraphs, could be worked a little bit more, but overall good.

Fishing rights activism: Need to work on adding more to paragraphs instead of simply switching around the wording of what's already there, oversimplification. (On January 6, 1962, dozens of Washington State game wardens stormed a group of Indians fishing the Nisqually River, arresting five men, including some of McCloud's relatives, for illegal fishing.--On January 6, 1962, dozens of Washington State game wardens stormed a group of Native Americans fishing the Nisqually River. This resulted in the detainment of five men for illegal fishing. This is important to note as those who were arrested included some of McCloud's relatives.)*Example of switching around the words.

"But as salmon and steelhead numbers..." needs more background at the beginning, sentence just feels off.

"Janet met with Thomas Banyacya, an internationally known Hopi spiritual interpreter, who taught her to search for answers in peace.[3]" Good, this info is good and relevant for the paragraph.

Sapa Dawn Center: " as well as the surrounding 10 acres in Yelm, Washington." Important to have the "(40,000 m2)" as well! Not everywhere around the world has the same set standard for what an acre is.

"(AIM) took occupation of the Wounded Knee village for 71 days"-- "(AIM) took occupation of the town of Wounded Knee, located on the Pine Ridge Reservation in SD, for 71 days." EDIT

"These activist were protesting the Tribal Chairman, Richard Wilson, as he was corrupt." As well as failure of the US government to fulfill treaty obligations with the Native people, more at play than just corruption within the tribe.

Overall very good, I would just say to try to stray away from rewording large paragraphs and losing conciseness. Make sure if reworking the paragraphs ensure that they still flow in a good way. Some sentences seemed to lose a little bit of the context when switched around. Addition of some good content, maybe just make sure you're not missing important pieces of context.