User:Sultanmoe/Built environment/BucketBridge234 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Sultanmoe


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Sultanmoe/Built_environment?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead:

The lead section reads like the opening of an essay. In using the quote first the reader doesn’t have an immediate, simplified understanding of what the topic of the article is and what to expect. Maybe using a quote later in the opening would give the reader more of a ‘neutral’ feel and help introduce the topic quicker.

Content:

Since this was structed like and essay there is a lot of content that demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic. However, the information isn’t accessible since it is written in an very academic fashion. Try using some more simple terms and using bullet charts/lists to help make the information easier to find. There are a lot of spelling errors that make the article harder to read. For example: “There are many strategies that teachers can use to build a positive relationship with their teachers.” Which should read teacher-student relationships. I like that the article presents a 5 step way for fostering a teacher-student relationship through digital education. A bullet point list of the steps/strategies would be really great to include and help readers narrow down their understanding.

Tone and Balance:

Due to the structure of the article taking an essay format the tone immediately reads as academic and more on the persuasive side. For example “Building the virtual classroom will keep the teacher and student connected, paving another way for teacher-student relationship to develop. Finally, having a presence and an established routine will create an environment where students will feel comfortable and a mutual understanding with the teacher.” is a declarative statement that is a bit overreaching in the tone that it is presented. Maybe change out ‘will’ for ‘could’ as a starting point?

Sources and References:

The article demonstrates a really good understanding of the topic with supportive sourcing. Most of the sources are on the positive side of building relationships through eLearning and I think a source or two on the damages of eLearning on teacher-student relationships would help balance out the ‘neutrality’ of the Wikipedia article. There is no use of images, graphics or visuals used to help support the information where there are opportunities such as classrooms or a info graph of the 5 strategies. I would also suggest that there be some linking in the article to other sources, pages, etc. as there are currently none present in the article. Perhaps using them to link to your sources at the bottom of the page in place of APA in article citations would help?

Organization:

The article is organized more in the structure of a formal paper compared to the Wikipedia page structure. I would suggest alternative formatting that doesn’t follow traditional essay structure. As Wikipedia is supposed to be neutral and easier reading an academic writing tone makes for a more difficult read. It also leads to feeling ‘persuasive’. The overall feel of the article feels like reading an essay as the end paragraph ends with ‘to concluded’ (minor spelling error here)

Overall Impression:

The article has a lot of potential as there is clearly a lot of research and thought that has gone into writing this piece. There is a lot of accessible information and relevance in the article that is buried within the very traditional academic writing format. Changes to the structuring and simplifying the vocabulary have the potential to make this a very strong article.