User:Sylvcakes/sandbox/Cathal Kelly

Cathal Kellly is the pseudonym and stage name for global superstar and former Olympic triathlete, "The Fish". Fish was born in a rural Plaice called Pie in Northern Sumatra before being held in captivity in Seaworld in San Diego before being fired for numerous sexual assaults on trainers and an illegitimate mermaid child with a captive dolphin, which leading marine biologists have described as 'A marvel' and 'fucking disgusting'. The mermaid named Tuna Turner after Kelly's favourite mowtown songstress later went on to appear in reality tv shows such as 'Breaking Seaworld' in which she was allowed leave the 'Water Wonderland' of Seaworld and live in the real world for a year. In this time, Tuna auditioned for a West End production of 'The Little Mermaid' directed by Connor Curran but did not make it past the first callback with Curran stating that the additional plumbing and water costs necessary to keep her alive on stage would outweigh the expected ticket sales, of 9. However, those close to the cast were said to have heard that Curran was simply disgruntled that his 'way with words' and 'wicked charm' couldn't talk Tuna into bed. He was rumoured also to have physically abused Tuna, as allegations that he headbutted her after being high at a star-studded party in Beverley Hills. 3 months later on the red carpet at the NUI Theatre awards Connor was caught on camera by wonderblogger and renowned douché Thomas 'Tommy Argina' Creamer's Youtube series know as "GSN" (Galway Student News) asking Tuna directly 'Do you h9 me?'. Tuna merely responded to the allegations by swimming away in the opposite direction. Tuna's father Kelly became jealous that his daughters starfishdom had overtaken him and obscured his media presence. In response he became embroiled in further sexual harassment cases. On November 18th 2014 Kelly was spotted in high class socialite superclub Carbon, known to those in the loop as C6. Eye-witnesses reported that Kelly insisted on buying drinks for Hollywood starlet Rebecca 'Whitest girl alive' Fisher despite her blatant repulsion and effort to physically withold him. Kelly succeeded in his effort and went on to enjoy a 6 month affair with her. The relationship terminated when he realised that Rebecca's last name constantly reminded him of his troubled Seaworld past. Following this, Kelly was spotted in Electric, slipping the 'date rape drug' rohypnol into the whiskey-sour of esteemed journalist and Danish Netflix series enthusiast Sylvia 'Sylvcakes' Power. Sylvia was quoted as saying 'aerhoo aergg BLAAAITH, BLAAAITH higjjss'. Unfortunately world renowned horse trainer, narrator of childrens audio books and middleweight UFC world champion Blaithnaid was nowhere to be found, as she was in the bathroom doing lines of boost and fighting a black midget. The midget was hospitalised, obviously. Kelly was done for intent to sexually assault and was arrested by the fashion police for wearing board dhorts and gaa jerseys past September and the age of 12. Kelly contested the charges of board shorts and was let out on bail. However he was re-indited for fatman pants possession and abuse. Kelly has spoken of his love of the pickles in McDonalds burgers stating he found them 'very satisfying'. It was unclear as to whether he meant for taste or for other perverse sexual usages. Kelly was found dead in his Corrib Village apartment on January 1 2016, laying nude on the floor with only McDonalds pickles covering his ... The coroner ruled that he had died via pickle asphyxiation. He was buried at sea. Naturally.