User:The Coldwood/Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Anything before we begin?
Kyle of Alberta is my special place for being creative.

Q: Why do you have a FAQ?
I get asked lots of questions that should be answered - once.

Q: What if my question isn't here?
Ask Me, but if you don't send a real email address, you won't get an answer.

Q: Do people abuse that form?
They can abuse it all they want. All entries go to a holding tank which I review at my leisure. I answer the ones that need to be answered, delete the stupid, and block the IPs of the idiots who spam or post REALLY stupid stuff. People who get off on war-clicking a button are on the same mental level as my housecleaning scripts. They should get along just fine.

Q: What will you be reincarnated as?
I'd like to be a pillow for an incredibly cuddly girl. With my luck, I'll come back as a $2.99 edible thong.

!: Tell me secrets about you!

 * I'm related to Lori Korleski (editor at the Sacremento Bee)
 * I've had 2 girlfriends
 * I went to the prom with a great friend.
 * I'm not afraid to cry
 * I own hundreds of dollars in iTunes Music Store Music.
 * I've puked off the 19th story of a 4-star hotel into an open-air cafe.
 * My site has been viewed in 5 continents and 112 countries
 * I am NOT shy
 * I have morals
 * I have a latent telekinetic ability.
 * My normal body temperature is 99.8
 * I own stuffed animals, and I like them.

Q: Do you create all your own images?
Yes. All images are photographed or scanned in from junk I have lying around. I mash them together in Adobe Photoshop and do some experiments with camera filters, regenerating digital images through TVs and such. Sometimes I render things in Bryce and Poser. I am not elite enough to grok Maya or WorldBuilder.

Q: Why did you not reply to my e-mail?
Either I haven't gotten to it yet, you didn't say anything worth replying to, or you intimidated me. Hint: The first two are the likely suspects.

Q: How does it feel to be 18?
It is tiring, since it's started off horribly. My personal relationships have been really taxing. On the bright side KoA is progressing nicely. No matter how crappy my life is, I've got my stupid site.

Q: What other skills do you have?

 * Perfect Pitch (when ears work)
 * Photographic Memory (For stories and facts - not names or faces)
 * Latent Telekinesis (It happens.)
 * Pool Shark - 8 Ball, APA rules only (9 Ball blows ass). I look very unassuming, even with my custom cue. Play me and you will probably lose money.

Q: How trustworthy are you?
If you look at my previous jobs: If you trade stocks, use AOL or MSN, fly, ship packages, rent cars, buy insurance, work in any job in the world (doubly so in Canada) that has data or voice circuits, have kids, go to college, shop online, buy groceries, visit my site, use a credit card or entrust a loved one to a nursing home or hospital, then I am responsible for making sure it works. If you trust these things, then you're trusting me. Also, my web design clients trust me with their FTP and my neighbors usually trust me with their kids.

Q: What do you do for fun?
Fun comes in creating or listening to music, coding, debugging and releasing a new KoA upgrade. Seeing the people I admire smile. I like long drives to random destinations for the sole purpose of thinking, taking photographs and wandering. No, wait, that's happiness. I've long since forgotten what "fun" is..

Q: What are Broken Dreams?
Ones that can never come true, either by circumstance, or my own idiocy in the face of incredible opportunity.

Q: Care to Elaborate?
Read my site, and you shall learn.

Q: Why do you use Version Numbers in KoA and The Coldwood?
I associate incrementing numbers with progress.

Q: Who visits Kyle of Alberta anyways?
You, and 329 thousand others since 1998.

Q: What goes through your mind?
Music, status with my higher power, my job, happiness and success of my friends, the next KoA and Coldwood upgrade, my health, my obsessions, worries, themes from songs unwritten, poetry, annoying commercial jingles, missed opportunities, what the cute girl I'm too afraid to talk to is thinking, and my ultimate goal for complete world domination. Ha!

Q: Who influences you?
Jesus, Mohammed, My Granny, Aunt Lori, Uncle Jim, Monica Eller, Johnny Grant, Randy Hunter, Kendall Phillips, Kitaro, Jon Anderson, Michael Cretu, Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Cretu, Tom & Nancy Cruden, Rhon Winkler, Charles M. Schultz, Plutarch, Brian Eno, Chao-Chou, Chuang Tsu, Lao Tse Tzu, Pat Metheney, St. Augustine, Lord Byron, Dave Gilmour, Richard Wright, John Paul Jones, Percy Bysshe Shelley, Natalie Portman, Walt Whitman, William Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, Stanley Kubrick, Syd Barrett, Storm Thorgerson, Søren Kierkegaard, Charles Darwin, Voltaire, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Jean Jacques Rosseau, Eva Peron, Friedrich Nietzsche, Immanuel Kant, Socrates, Samuel Coleridge, Winslow Homer, Jean-Paul Sartre, Jenna Jameson, Plato, Aristotle, Martin Heidegger, Nicholas Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, Albert Einstein, Claude Monet, Marlene Dietrich, Mae West, Thomas Aquinas, Carl Jung, Francis Galton, Salvador Dali, Sigmund Freud, Ivan Pavlov, Edvard Munch, Christian Amadeus Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, William Blake, Ludwig van Beethoven, Anton Salieri, Goethe, Dante Aligheri, John Keats, Felix Mendelssohn, Eugene Delacroix, Richard Wagner, Gustav Mahler, Auguste Renoir, Chick Corea, Edouard Manet, Claude Debussy, Vincent van Gogh, Auguste Rodin, Igor Stravinsky, H.R Geiger, Frank Lloyd Wright, Louis Armstrong, Dmitri Shostakovich, Aaron Copland, Ansel Adams, James Taylor, Rene Magritte, James Joyce, T.S. Eliot, John Cage, Allen Ginsberg, Jerry Bangle, Charlotte Church, Dmitri Mendeleyev, B.B. King, SRV, Tori Amos, David Arkenstone, David Lanz, Angela Lansbury, Richard Moll, Val Kilmer, Pablo Picasso, Geddy Lee, Jim Morrison, Robert A. Heinlein, Raymond Burr, Jack Klugman, Robert Anton Wilson, Gustav Holst, Jewel, Keith Emerson, Arthur C. Clarke, Steve Vai and Nicholas Rimsky-Korsakov.

Q: What turns you on?
Cuteness - but not the way you know it. To me, cute is a state of mind. Specifics include; An alert, intelligent, playful attitude, talent, dark hair and pretty eyes of any colour. Nothing against blondes, but I need the variety :) Soft hair and pouty lips are a nice bonus, as is the ability to growl or make cute noises for the sheer pleasure of doing so. Fashion is unimportant, but I find girls in comfy attire strangely intriguing. I've always found girls from other countries amazing, simply because they still hold onto traditions and dreams, plus they tend to look at people for who they are, not for their car. There are a few other traits that I adore, but you'll have to get to know me to know what they are. Think you have what it takes? Say hi sometime.

Q: You are SO sweet!?
That misconception will get us both in entirely too much trouble. Avoid it. Remember, Cancers are consummate manipulators. I can sweet-talk anyone into anything (although I use the power only for good), and I choose not to do it often.

Q: Why are you so sad?
I'm not sad, I'm frustrated. I've had the world offered to me on a silver platter (albeit with some tarnish) and I continually manage to let it fall to the ground.

Q: What mean things do you do?

 * Spray helpless insects with flammable aerosol
 * Rearrange signs: Congrats New Graduating Kindergartners becomes See Grady's Grandma Parade Naked! (Sorry about that, Grady)
 * Formerly, Prank call AOL
 * Respond to hate mail
 * Growl *grrr*

Q: What nice things do you do?

 * Serve breakfast in bed (rare)
 * Get my friends jobs!
 * Send cute notes to people who need them.
 * Make little kids laugh until they snort kool-aid out their nose.
 * Treat my grandmother respectfully (and half her age, ahem..)
 * Bow, hold doors, be charming and genuinely polite.
 * Visit cool people in nursing homes just to kick back and swap stories.
 * Call despondent denizens at 3am to convince them life really isn't that bad.

!: I HATE You!
Hatred is the sign of an inferior mind.

Q: Says who?
Says me.

Q: So, are you enlightened?
Hardly. That's a lifelong commitment.

Q: What's all this grrr stuff?
De-evolution. No, really. I like growling. Growls mean many things. I do it often, and people either appreciate it, or they go away. Growling to communicate is incredibly fun- especially when someone is open-minded enough to figure out what the hell you are doing, pick up on your tone-of-growl and return the favor.

!: I bet you get all the girls!
You know that cliché where two bouncy, wide-eyed lovers run towards one another in a flowery field? Well, in my version, I trip over a chipmunk, who bites me, causing me to fall and sprain my ankle and stuff grass in my mouth. I then get my pale ass kicked by a gang of crackhead thug bunnies. When I look up, I see that my love was really running in the opposite direction (towards someone else, either my former best friend, or a member of the opposite sex). Use that story to reconstruct my love life at your discretion.

I do not get all "the girls". In fact, If I was locked in room filled with nympho Catholic schoolgirls and had only an ecstasy aerosol can, I STILL wouldn't get a date. I am not kidding. Trust me.

!: I bet you have lots of friends!
Right. My apt. is so packed with 'em that the only place I can find to sit is here with my face pressed up against this screen. Could you pass the beer nutz? Locally, I have.. um.. no one? I work, I sleep, and all the rest of my time is spent doing random crap in my apartment. Not by choice, that's just how it works out.

!: You should go to bars/clubs!
Oh Wow. Nothing beats paying $8.50 for a single import I could buy at the Valley Liquor House in a six-pack for $5.99 +GST... if I drank socially... or liked music that hurt my ears... or a 20:1 guy/girl sober/unsober ratio.. I'd sit in the corner and draw on my napkin the whole time. Been there, done that, hated every minute of it. Looking for love in a bar is like sticking your head up your ass looking for a Diamond: It's dark, difficult to navigate, something just doesn't smell right. Sorry for the metaphor.

Q: Why are you so damned sexy?
That's hilarious. Got another one?

Q: Why do you pick on yourself so much?
Self-depracation is a sign of true humility.

Q: What are you?
I was waiting for that one. Meet my personal statement, updated December 31, 2000

Useless rules anger me. I am a loner in a false, corporate world. I play by the rules, bending as many as possible along the way. I do not actively seek out friends or lovers, yet I have had many several of each. I feel as if i've lived a thousand years, for many people have passed through my life. The trick lies in accepting me as openly as I accept you. If you do this, and I sense no ulterior motives from you, in time, I will let you know me.

But until then, you'll see only what I let you see. I keep my life simple - chasing a state of absolute accord with the Tao. Material things, power, popularity are pointless. My goal is to distill my life's experiences to create one song, that speaks of who I am. When this happens, I am finished and satisfied. I do not seek death, though. I have a long list of things I want to experience before I depart.

Screw the corporate ladder, I don't check stock quotes, I don't wear ties. I was born to true to my talents and myself. I put others before myself, and do anything to help my friends. As such, small, furry domestic animals, children, parents and grandparents usually like me. I'd give my life to save anyone, even yours. I respect all, I'm a friend to all, but trust takes years to create. I'll be your world, but break my trust and I'll be a memory.

Q: Are you Satanic?
No, are you a dumbass?

Q: Are you Wiccan/Pagan?
Nope. I studied religion. I draw on symbols, history, introspection and a bit of raw faith to develop my own unique spirituality.

Q: Why are your HTML & Graphics so amazing?
I practiced for seven years (since August 1998). Try it sometime.

!: You are a smartass!
You're so observant, it scares me.

Q: What annoys you?
Too much. I take solace in the fact that there are great evils in this world, and it's not an attitude problem. Some things just need a severe realignment. Click and find out why. Note: these texts are my opinion. If you dislike them, I have a 1st Amendment suppository with your name on it.


 * Paying Rent
 * When people ask me how to do HTML/graphics/etc..
 * Woodforest National Bank
 * Eleven2 web hosting
 * 1&1 Internet
 * The USA Drug Enforcement Agency
 * The Music Industry
 * AOL Time/Warner
 * MTV
 * Cakewalk ? 4.0, 5.0, 6.0, 7.0, 8.0 and 9.0 (get it right someday!)
 * People who talk while "listening" to music.
 * Thugs
 * Pimps/Playaz
 * Rednecks
 * The word "Vehicle"
 * Liars, Braggarts and Narcissists
 * Superglue on me
 * Tomball, Texas
 * Almost everyone that lives in it...
 * ..and your little dog, too
 * People who do not respond to email
 * Spammers
 * Cyberpromo and all related sleaze.
 * Know-it-all losers
 * Fingernails on a chalkboard
 * Major American Media (Time-Warner, Disney etc..)
 * Political correctness
 * People who disrespect my stuff.
 * Victim Mentality

Q: So, what do you HATE?
Hatred is the sign of an inferior mind. Therefore, I am incapable of hatred.

Q: What is going through your mind right now?

 * uh oh. I hope that doesn't stain..
 * Left eye - $2000, Right eye - $2000. Never having to spend an hour poking my eyes for a piece of silicone? Priceless.
 * It's been quiet... too quiet.
 * At least the wound is healing

Q: Why did you choose to move to Canada?
Read through my blog and you'll find out why.

!: Youre CRUEL!
Actually, I am a gentle, passive, sweet guy. Send me hate mail and I will embarrass you, but not even blink. Hurt me, an Innocent, or someone I love, and I'll teach you new meaning to the word Regret.

Q: Where can I hear the bands you play with?
I do not play in any bands,nor do I plan on starting anytime soon.

!: I found a bug in one of your scripts!
Fill out a bug report and I'll get to it eventually.

Q:When will you list my site on the ODP?
If you ask me by e-mail, PM or IM, I will put it at the dead bottom of my priority list. This means your site will be listed in a matter of years. If you choose to be smart and not bother me about it, it'll undergo the normal cycle and probably be processed in a week.

Q: Will you list my site for cash?
No. Any offers made will be in vein. I will keep any cash you send but you will not get any listings. It will be considered a DONATION to continue the work of this site.

Q: What is your religion/spirituality?
I have a mix of Christianity and Taoist philosophy. That means that I believe in the Creation and Christian tenets, but don't like church politics. I think Christianity and Taoism work well together, as living by the Tao is a natural way to keep the 10 commandments, as well as live a life of truthfulness, honour, dignity and love.

Q: When are you going to organise your FAQs?
It's on my to-do list, alright?

Q: Wow, I guess I know a lot about you now?
Yeah right.. You haven't even scratched the surface yet, my friend. Thank you for spending a few seconds of your life in my Land of Broken Dreams.