User:Thespongeboy/Second Intermediate Period of Egypt/CoolQuokka Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Thespongeboy


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Thespongeboy/Second_Intermediate_Period_of_Egypt?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Second Intermediate Period of Egypt

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hello Thespongeboy I want to say that I like the whole article itself. For the first section of the article that's titled the end of the Middle Kingdom I think it would be great if you could provide more detail into how the 2nd intermediate period emerged as it vaguely states that after the last King died it then transitioned into the 2nd intermediate period. I would also like to note some grammatical errors in the 13th dynasty that the " The kings of the dynasty must had trouble with contain power within their dynasty since the date we have for the kings reigns are very short and is replace rapid fashion. Along with dealing with many years of famine and serval plagues" sentence could be combined into two sentences as it doesn't make sense unless you expand on the 2nd sentence more. In the 13th and 14th century dynasty section, you could add more links to the places and people that are mentioned as it would show that these people existed or had some significance besides the 2nd intermediate period. For the Hyksos rule section you could put the two sections into one as if you introduce that the 15th dynasty was made from the Hyksos. In the 16th and 17th Dynasty's you could add more content and correct some grammar as in the 17th Dynasty you could change some of the transitions for how the Thebans conquered the Hyksos. And finally in the End of the second intermediate period you could add more into the section of how the Egyptians came out of the 2nd intermediate period and established the New Kingdom.