User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises



Please note: the exercises are intended to be done in your mind; saving edits means the page has to be reverted.

Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. Each exercise below will present you with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's Manual of style.

Unlike our exercises in eliminating redundant wording, most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.

"Unfolding" design. The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then one or two hints, then a solution, and an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. We suggest you work through the exercises in a "distributed" (spaced out) way, not "massed" (all at once). Try clumps of five or six at time, then a good break. This is likely to have a more powerful effect on your learning (see Scientific American, March 2012, p. 12).

Variety of English. The page uses UK/Australian/Irish/New Zealand/South African spelling. Shouldn't be a problem. American readers just need to "translate" -ise → -ize, -our → -or, -lling → -ling, and the few other differences. Canadians, well, you're somewhere in the middle.

Feedback. We like to know how the exercises can be improved. Please leave feedback on the talk page.

Instructions. Click on [Show] to the right of each stage. Good luck!

Teen pop idol
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

Canadian politics
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.

Welfare state
The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.

[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]

Committee grows tired of chairman
His father was a lawyer, a judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

South Korean army
The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.

[This could be improved in two ways.]

David Bellamy
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.

Market town
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

[There's one issue.]

FA Cup final
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.

Sunderland
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.

[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]

Shots at the goal
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.

32 million albums
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.

[Ambiguity is the issue.]

HMS Agincourt (1913)
As Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

Ms Ima Hogg
Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

[Yes, parents can be cruel. Remove four words and change a fifth, to produce neater wording.]

Spouting water
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.

[There are at least three issues! Stare at it before you access the hints below.]

Artificial turf did the trick
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.

Company threatens downloaders
Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.

[Just one issue. Can you see it before you click again?]

Totalitarian alarm
The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.

[Just one issue. And in the context they're talking about the regimes of both countries.]

Nebulisers
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.

Jaws, the film
Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.

[This is in the present tense because it's recounting the storyline.]

Windseeker
The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as WindSeeker.

Stone curtain wall
The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.

Castle
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the location of an Iron Age hill fort.

William de Neville
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.

Cope versus Darwin
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.

Record number of goals
In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.

Three-blade turbines
Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.

[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]

St-Calais the rebel
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.

[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]

Somerset
[This example comes from a lead, which provides a sequence of summary statements about the subsequent text in the article.]

Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.

[There are four issues.]

Jane Zhang
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

[There are seven issues.]

Steam locomotive technology
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the Packets were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.

[There are six issues.]

Chain-driven valve gear
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.

[There are five issues.]

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Edgar Allan Poe
Link to article

[This one is difficult and complicated; I might decide to remove it.]

Nothing is wrong with the individual sentences in the next passage, but the ideas are poorly sequenced. The task is to re-arrange and knit together the existing sentences. To do the exercise, you'll just need to write a few numbers in sequence on a piece of paper, and to work out the best links between the logically sequenced ideas.

The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery. In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported its cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism. Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation. From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.

'What is the issue?
 * The order of the sentences will need to change, and some of the boundaries between them changed. We've numbered the ideas and presented them in the raw sequence.
 * 1) The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery.
 * 2) In the days after Poe's death in 1849,
 * 3) newspapers reported the cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism.
 * 4) Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation.
 * 5) From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.

We want you to write out the sequence of four numbers, and in doing so, to;
 * use a semicolon to join two of these sentences;
 * use ", and" to join two of the sentences; and
 * insert one "However".

Here's a sample wrong answer: The next box contains a few hints.
 * 3 ,
 * '''and 2.
 * '''4 ;
 *  however, 1.

HINTS


 * There's a mystery before there's speculation.
 * There are reports before talk of the actual cause.
 * "Since" suggests that something else has happened beforehand.

Solution The answer is:
 * '''2.
 * '''However, 1 ;
 * 4 ,
 * and 3.

In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported the cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from desreputable causes such as alcoholism. However, the actual cause of  Poe's  death remains a myster y; f rom as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the caus e, and speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation.

Notes
 * We've also used ellipsis to remove one of the two instances of "Poe's".

Bad listing technique: Starch is one of the most important polymers for humanity. Starch comprises the largest single component of energy in human diet, most of the energy in domestic animal feed, and has major industrial applications (adhesives, agrochemicals, cosmetics, detergents, viscosity modifiers in manufactured food.

The technique of rhythmic proportions, which Cage used to compose Sonatas and Interludes, has already been developed by him in a number of works, but in this collection he elevated it to a new level of complexity.[7] In the resulting pieces a short sequence of natural numbers and fractions defines the structure of the work as a whole and that of its parts, including the construction of melodic lines.

The classifications are intended primarily for use in measuring the potential damage and flooding a hurricane will cause upon landfall, although they have been criticized as being too simple.

It begins as a chronological autobiography with Suzuki recounting his childhood,..."—Ungrammatical noun + ing. "in which S. recounts his childhood"

Bacterial variation and culture richness contributes not only to ecological processes but also to emerging diseases.

All of the buses recalled were located at the Ryde depot but hundreds of others are also based at Leichhardt, Waverly and Port Botany.

convey X.]

2. "Place commas in a sentence so as to convey X." [This implies that, in determining the placement of commas that you are already inclined to use, adapt your usage so that you convey X. Alan says: (5:02:25 PM) ] Alan says: (5:03:05 PM) Contrast:

Place commas in a sentence so as to convey the natural rhythms and divisions in spoken English,...

and

tony says: (5:03:08 PM) oh, very good! Alan says: (5:03:26 PM) To convey the natural rhythms and divisions in spoken English, place commas in a sentence...

A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, and attracted support from botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

Scout Moor is an upland moor of peat bog and heather in the region which reaches a maximum elevation of 1,552 feet (473 m) at its peak, Top of Leach.

Scout Moor is an upland moor of peat bog and heather in the region, reaching a maximum elevation of 1,552 feet (473 m) at its peak, Top of Leach.

the UK Government has set a target of 10% of the UK's electricity to be produced by renewable energy by 2010

the UK Government has set a target of 10% for the proportion of the UK's electricity produced by renewable energy by 2010

The first successful ascent was made in 1936 by W. Cunet, and Albert Grasser, partly by ski.

The first ascent was in 1936 by W. Cunet and Albert Grasser, partly on skis.

"a mountain range that runs along the western coast of South America". Spot the two redundant words.

" Inhabitants of the towns around the volcano refer to it as "the Sleeping Lion", as it had been dormant for nearly 150 years before the Armero lahar." Can you avoid the repetition "as ... as"? Since "the Armero lahar" is the SL, this is awkward. And "it", I guess, is the volcano. Not a good sentence. "The mountain was created by subduction of the oceanic Nazca Plate beneath the continental South American Plate." "The" is missing.

"It is the northernmost volcano of the Andean Volcanic Belt and lies about 80 miles (129 km) west of Bogotá." Two separate facts, or should we signal close causality to the reader? ("... Belt, lying about ...").

Australia only accepted white immigrants until the seventies.

The stratovolcano lies within the Pacific Ring of Fire, an area of the earth's crust where the land is unusually unstable, resulting in a large amount of tectonic and volcanic activity." So does the Ring of Fire or the instability result in this activity?

The libretto has survived in numerous forms—two printed versions, seven manuscript versions or fragments, and an anonymous scenario, or summary, related to the original production.

From 1956 through 1962, the Soviet Union attempted to implement wage reforms. The reforms took place during the Khrushchev era and were intended to move Soviet industrial workers away from overfulfillment of quotas, a mindset that had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period.

Whoever last edited this would have had a feeling it's unsatisfactory, but not known why. The problem lies in the placement of "The reforms took place during the Khrushchev era" in a sentence that otherwise explains the intention of the reforms, not the historical timing. Better, unless you can think of something better, might be:

"During the Khrushchev era, from 1956 through 1962, the Soviet Union attempted to implement wage reforms intended to move industrial workers away from the mindset of overfulfilling quotas, which had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period."

You might prefer a split, because the sentence is now rather long—either way would be OK: "... from the mindset of overfulfilling quotas; this mindset had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period."

English is such a pain when it comes to logical relations between clauses and phrases: "The field is occasionally referred to as nucleic acid nanotechnology, as structures incorporating other nucleic acids such as RNA and peptide nucleic acid (PNA) have also been constructed, although DNA is the dominant material used." What is the relationship to the last, "although" phrase to the foregoing part of the sentence? Clearly the main statement in this complex sentence isn't "The field is occasionally referred to as nucleic acid nanotechnology, although DNA is the dominant material used." At least I don't think it is. Split with semicolon or period?

"Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party on New England's Amity Island to go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water."

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