User:Trufflexo1227

'SECRETARY OF STATE WILLIAM SEWARD'' By Allie from Wooden Menorah Productions-- "Burn down the house!"'''

William Seward: A young gentleman without a clue about himself, and who he was. Seward had grown up in Idaho, and had been abandoned by his parents at age three. He was left to wander the barren streets of Idaho (or, as some call it, Udaho), and realized that he needed to fend for himself. Idaho is not the the rest of the states; in Idaho, if one is stranded in the empty desert of the pointless state, he shall never return. There are not public places there; the territory is mostly a wasteland of starch. Seward, as a boy of barely three years, stumbled around in search of a home. One hot afternoon, the young boy stooped into a deserted area, looked around, and gave a small sigh: just more of the vast planes of nothingness that he had come across time and time again for almost five days by that point in time. He was lost, hungry, thirsty and tired. Alone, in the cold and bitter world of Idaho. Then suddenly, he looked around the crops and realized: he was no longer a solitary figure. Among him stood hundreds, even thousands, of potatoes. "What joy," he later recalled thinking to himself, "finally, a meal!". The potatoes had other ideas. Poor little William was about to find a new home among these starches. Yes, William Seward can be defined as "The Boy Raised by Potatoes". He has also been referred to as "Potato boy". "The life of a potato," he claimed, "is a simple, mind-blowingly relaxing life. You need not worry about food, because you are an autotroph"--(for all of those people out there too lazy to care to look that up, it means that plants such as potatoes use photosynthesis to feed themselves with the sun's energy). "I am so lucky that in the huge planes of Idaho I found a true family." Seward's life with the potatoes was fine, until he was found by a human being. The "kind" man helped Seward start a whole new life: one in which he was not a potato, but a bright, strong-willed human being--one who would soon make a mistake that angered the people of the United States and make him look like a fool in front of everyone. But seriously, like, about forty years from then, the nation would, like, totally be making fun of him. There were like articles on it and everything. Like, one was called, "W. Seward: What a Complete Retard". It was actually kind of sad... Didn't America used to have ANYTHING better to talk about? So anyway... Seward was brought into a normal state: New York. Although most people strongly dislike this state (known for its unhealthy but delicious food and hateful qualities). His new father brought him up to be a good, strong man, who, by age 22, became interested in politics. For a while, this retard was George Bush's advisor in something or another (If you do not think this is possible because of the gap between when Seward died and Bush was born, tough), so blame all of Bush's stupid descisions on Seward. Seward went to college for a while, but failed, and then gave up. Suddenly, there was a new opening for secretary of state (just up in the air), and Seward barely qualified! Hs family of potatoes and average family congratulated him. Except the potatoes didn't, because people ate them and crapped them out. The time came for his big decision: should America purchase Alaska? Yes. "Yes, it should," says Seward. Then he like, totally bought Alaska from Communist Russia for two cents per acre... cheap for a reason. America found this to be, in the eyes of Journalist Rebecca Goldstein, "A new low, even for our shitty laissez-faire government." Why? Because, much like Idaho, Alaska was, now and then, a barren wasteland. Some think this is why Seward purchased this land called Alaska: "He just felt bad for it," say the wise population of Wisconsin (famous for it's cheese. Yeah, that's basically it.) Local average normal blendy-inny simple woman Ally Leafy says that "Seward must have been totally high when he purchased Alaska. I'm'a' call it 'Seward's Folly', 'n' see how that catches on." It did catch on. Now, what to do with this huge piece of total crap, Alaska? Well, Seward didn't really know. He wanted to do something that would please America, because he was, like, really worried that they were getting pissed off at him and weren't going to invite him to their party on Friday. So, he did what the States call "totally went there". He put a woman so stupid, so self-confident, so...adorable in charge of it that it would make the American people laugh and almost elect her as vice-president of the United States: Sarah Palin, whom would later drill oil and hunt Mother Alaska's animals. Seward hoped that, someday, somewhere, there would be a comedy show live on television from New York on Saturday Nights that chose someone named Tina Fey to do accurate and funny impersonations of her in front of the world. The President of Alaska (Sarah Palin of course) achieved what people call "Russian Hunting," a sport in which one watches outside their windows to make sure that no Russians invade the Alaskan territory. William Seward, people made fun of you and called you names, but did you give up? No. We thank you today for providing America with accessable humor and happiness. Amen. Thank you for reading this. If you are finished, you really deserve my praise. Thank you Saturday Night Live for giving me the idea of including Tina Fey's marvelous acting skills and Alaskan accent. Also thank you so much to my Social Studies teacher, Mrs. J. Milliken. I highly appriciate your love of teaching me things I cannot easily remember. Also, if you hadn't given us that goddam test, I would not have thought to do this. And, last but CERTAINLY not least, The Onion. You were my key inspiration to write this, and you make me laugh every day when I read your delicious articles or log on to your fabulous website. If you like this funny style of yellow journalism, please search "The Onion Online" and find the trusted URL. Hope that this article made you smile,

Wooden Menorah Productions-- "Burn down the house!"