User:ValentinoMurdoch

December 2013 Valentino Murdoch

Dear Reader thanks for taking time to read my crap story,

I think that my journey on this planet is to be a leader. I see myself being like Angelina Jolie, (she's like my mother and father as she too has adopted kids), pushing even harder for the universe and for peace, for the health of our planet, I want to lead a huge charity Organisation. I want to lead a country or find a place and do it up, in the English countryside with my eye and skilful taste. I want to do something that people notice, so that's why I'm trying to focus on ART & FASHION. I don't know where I'm going just yet, but eventually I can see myself taking a stand for people in some sort of nature of that idea. Sometimes it's hard to find the words to say, I go ahead and say them anyway.i'm a weirdo I feel I am able to talk about my life In a very passionate way. Sometimes I feel as if the world is my blank canvas & I'm yet to colour it in. I put my visual ideas down on paper every day in lots of notebooks, so one day I can put all my notes together to create a masterpiece of art. There are a thousand ways to make me count, there's nothing that can fix me now, I feel like I'm stronger inside, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I have learnt to open my reservoir and let all the water flow. If anything I think about thinking what if and I know it's not healthy anymore, I'm not in denial, I know the truth, I know the facts as I am me, and there's only one you as they say. If you give in to people's reactions, then you don't have any sled respect for yourself at all. The body is something that needs to be worked on everyday, water is essential, to keep you hydrated and awake & aware, I guess I just want to be perfect all the time, before the summer I was broken, disheveled and not in a good state of mind. I was giving in to people and not thinking of myself's health, I am very happy and healthy touch wood for me and everyone I know, it's time for me to reveal my everything and I can't believe I'm telling you everything, I guess I just don't really feel like keeping it all bottle up anymore or how I feel, so tomorrow when I run into you remember, everyone changes for better... Let me take the time to tell you about a couple of old memories and occasions that are close and personal to my heart. In my past life, which is something painful to me as I hate to dwell into it too often, too much exhaustion and bad negativity too much time to waste on some things that mean nothing now, as the people I used to be with are no longer with me now, for different reasons, most of it is all boring or all just surgery related and I don't want to be a downer !!!! As David Bowie says " I own the world,we own the world". Which for me means I can handle anything. I used to have a sense of freedom, Maybe it was just my innocence of me being young, wild & free. Most young kids probably at the age of 9 didn't think of phoning the police and pretending there was a fire, (Isla too), on holiday with 12 family's all in the one house. I remember going down to this beach with all of our friends and family's that we'd used to go on holiday with, I remembered the smell of the open country air. Equality promises that my memories are here to stay, I've got to trust the injustice cause it's not going away! The lazy days with everyone doing everything, I guess if I think about it we were all kids having fun and being able to get away with it all. I remember how I connected with bluebell and Isla for the first time on holiday, at Glenshian, I remember being young and finding friendship with them, I remember how we used to talk about everything we used to hear our mums and dads talking about, it makes me upset because I know I will never get those precious years or fun holidays back, the rosses used to have this dog called Woof, I remember how in love Scarlett and bluebell used to be with it, how much they made it feel like part of the family then... I know it sounds odd for me to think these thoughts at that young age but I guess I just did a lot of thinking, Maybe I was very conscious of my surrounding or Maybe it is the way I visualise things either way I just think about things in a very artistic way. I kind of wish I could have made a bigger impacted myself, in particular with all the boys. I never really used to hangout with them a lot, I used to be very reserved and hidden away. I never wanted to let people in or show them I could smile much, I guess it's just how things have gone I have acted apon things that have led me to only think about the worst in people, it's very sad because I miss being young and not having to think, about what people were thinking of me, just that sense of being the unknown and vulnerable, young, I've managed to realise that now people might be looking at me because I'm unusual or cool, ? I don't know but Im glad I don't think the way I used to, I just remember though how sad I used to be, how unhappy I mad life for my mum and dad and as the years went on as a family we were faced with more challenges, and when me. And Harry were young I used to really be able to hug him, I miss that, I miss being able to help him, I miss the way we used to be young, but hey Ho? That's the cycle of life ? I remember when our dog died that was a very sad day too because everyone was traumatised. Just like when Woof died, I remember last year on Olivia's Birthday her mum ran over their pet cat, yup! That too was a sad day. I first met Olivia at the grand opening of the courtyard of my mum and dads shop, 2005, when I was board so was told to go and watch a movie with the other kids, I think it was one of the Harry potter movies, playing on the projector and sitting on a chair was this girl, it was fate or luck, I think it was just my luck! When I soon put smile on my face when I met her, we spoke and chatted and right then I knew we were meant to be friends, Maybe it was the way she spoke to me or the tone of her speech either way I didn't care. She said she was not having a good time either and I had just been nagging my mum to buy me a new pop corn maker, since it was the first night of the shop opening, and there was tuns of new stock, but no instead I got Olivia which I am very grateful for. Now I have popcorn with her at the cinema, however over the years things soon became loose and broken, not as everything was once, and this is just how I feel about other things in my life, I can recount a memory where my mum told me my mother wrapped me up tight so I wouldn't scratch myself, this is a perfect example of how I feel everything can be changed. I made friends with this guy in my year in s4 called Taidgh, dead nice guy, was around the time when his grandpa was ill and him and I were in this group and there was this guy called Ben who said at the time you can't be in our group and then Taidgh was the only one who stood up for me and told them to not be mean, ever since we have bonded very un controversially very well. As you wouldn't put us two together, we look like an old couple, he really appreciated me helping him and comforting him when he was feeling upset and vice versa, with family issue ect, mid summer nights when him and I would play like two great guys just having fun and understanding each other and realising this was luck *Again, I really am so lucky I've met him and even though he has moved town and has his own life, yes it hurts cause he ain't around no more but I know we are still friends, and always will be, we still take the time to meet each other which I think is so special, he's my sun he makes me shine. I celebrate our twisted fate everyday. I'm the king to his castle as he's the mouth to our food in our fridge. I feel safe with Taidgh cause he's taller than me. I remember when we used to live in alma avenue at I used to share a room with my brother, oh my god he used to be so annoying his irritating chomping on his apples he insisted on having every single darn night, I think I got my anger issues from sounds, how infuriating? I remember everything suddenly going very fast, and transitioning into high school at a very fast speed. I was in s1 which Is like your first year, and found out I had to have a big operation on my back, which didn't help me because it was at the stage where I felt I had to, or wanted to blend in with everyone. I think I knew deep down that that was something I knew I was never going to be able to accomplish, but thankfully after everything being put into place having learnt everything from up until now and all my years ahead I've learnt so much, I'm proud. From my parents all the lectures all the arguments everything, good the bad the ugly had made me the person I am today.

What music does to my soul is indescribable the same for art and drawing, it gets me spinning in my mind like a ballerina, most things we see and hear around us are emotional and unpredictable. It makes us always think twice about everything, with all the things that go on in the world, I think that's sometimes why I am inspired to listen to music or see an image and draw it, is because I want to keep that memory in visual form so I am able to view it instead of having to recount it so it can become more of a happier thing to think about. Over the years I've learnt a lot if 1 thing is that trauma is the ultimate killer for people nowadays, memories can't be restored like an iPod. That's why Art is so important to me because it says things to us to keep the mind in a healthy state, like today I was feeling depressed as I was thinking too much about things, I was instantly taken to my creative world when I went to see the lion king museum, Drama is something I love too just the whole aspect of being different personas for a day, I used to go to a drama club in Perth With Fergus, together we performed in front of a 600 audience about the Seven deathly sins of Shakespeare. I really enjoyed my time learning new skills and personas, that I now add to my everyday use, helpful for any subject even family drams. fashion, I'm already thinking of what I want to wear next spring? Maybe a nice burgundy shirt. My goal at the moment is to try and earn as many pennies as possible. So one day I can get a spray tan on holiday, perhaps in tipi ? Ask yourself what do you think is the new thing, then already your thinking positively. Give yourself a bit of me time, if you can? I stand waiting for something to happen, then realise I've got to make it happen. I've got to put the effort in to see a change.I realise however that actually it can be hard to be good at everything, as I tell myself cooking super noodles at lunchtime, I suppose I should tell you what's been going on, if I told you about my social life you'd call me a bitch, then however aren't we all ? So what if I'm a size 6, it's not as if I'm fat, I just want to have somebody who can objectify me, ie a good poem can sum up how I may be feeling. I don't need to make life hard for myself, I guess it can be quite depressing not being able who to trust, or who is being your friend just because they feel Sorry for you, I'm not talking about single Individual people who I may be trying to dig at, which I'm not. 18 and not understanding what life is fully about and who can best understand what I'm about, that's why after everything that's gone wrong in my life I've had to scrap back all the crap all the shit and drama deep down way behind my wisdom and things I've currently developed in my brain in relation to becoming a better young adult, and physically and mentally I've had to literally artistically visualise going back to the main raw original blank canvas, to get inspiration from the people who have helped me get to the person I am today I.e my mum, dad, Harry, Family, friends but, being able to maintain my style, personas, and character in the healthiest way possible. That's why myself and My old friend Ailsa, are choosing to grow up and be adults and chat about what's going on, not for anyone else's interest. But because we are realising that actually we can't hold grudges anymore or be nasty to each other as we both live in the same town, and it will get ridiculously embarrassing bumping into one another everywhere. Every time we meet up again we are sorting things out, in time for it to be back to normality. I've learnt that if you can't detect the sarcasm, you've misunderstood. I love family days out and long car trips, love everything to do with the outdoors I go on huge long walks just to pass the time, even though sometimes it's boring I still always feel more relaxed and at my inner self when I come back home. The weather is something that affects me hugely as I sometimes have a bad cough and have had for a while, the weather can affect everyone In different ways but for me I love it, preferably in the rain because when it rains I love the way it hits the windows as I sit inside all wrapped up and cozy, I feel sorry for the boiler because as winters looming sneakily in I know it will be working overtime. it's the one thing that keeps everybody together for a lengthy period of time, despite this depressing fact about the winter, I just think it's nothing to get upset about, the weather can be distressing and really take affect on old people but thankfully with my granny next door I'm able to keep my beady eyes on her at all times. Being able to not go anywhere in the weather & just to only be able to talk to family in the house, goor nor bad is really something magical. Most of my family are very busy and not a lot of things I feel get discussed, I don't feel sometimes that everyone says the truth sometimes which I think doesn't help when bid discussions are being placed. Work can also affect everyone and with business not being that busy for my poor mum and dad who work their asses off,can be as if the weather is sticking its fingers up at them, I hate it because the weather here in. Scotland is so dull and boring. It's raining one minute then snowing the Next after it's onto sun then it's onto hail. So there's never really a dull & boring moment if you pardon my little pun, ( see what I did there?), I'm very impressed with myself on just how much I've been drinking water, even my skin feels more depth and tone to it as I'm looking at myself drying off in the mirror, after my 30 minute shower. Water is good huh ? I don't understand it never will just know it's there for me whenever I need it. I don't think however people realise how much it's Necessary for us to live. The weather at the moment is not helping. It's lucrative, how quick it threatens everyone and destroys everything so quickly. Over the past few years I've witnessed some of the crazy storms and witnessed peoples lives changed for worse, just how poor people can suddenly become, how there houses can be damaged and neighbourhoods affected. I feel very guilty for being able to go to my Tap and get Fresh water, where I know there's people out there who have to go a whole day to fetch a pale full. In some instances I feel lucky how I am able to go to my community and raise these strong awareness. I agree change is in order for the weather to change for us. When the topic of weather is discussed on media outlets or documentaries, the first thing we hear is what affect it has on *the people. When in actual fact logically it's us as humans who need to do the affecting on our environment for us to see the affects, are we as a generation less than enthusiastic or do we choose to overlook these highly important issues? I hate it when people try to manipulate me in order for people to get a reaction or some nasty cheap kick for themselves, because there lives are so miserable and pathetic. Do I really need to be handled in a way that makes people want to laugh at me. Is this an appropriate thing for people to do in a skilful manner that's humours yet not very fun for myself. Do I enjoy everyday having some small dude telling me I'm gay ? no. Obviously my point is I'm entitled to feel a sense of safety at even my own school, let alone a community. It's not even about me being the victim, as when I'm easily provoked, I lash out sometimes, it's about knowing that if something's out of the ordinary or a little off the shelf, should we not just leave it and bitch about that person behind the wall without it being tampered with, why tell that person they are gay when in actual fact Maybe it's ourself that need to reflect on our own sexuality. Maybe there the *confused? The one thing I'm emotionally surprised about is that one day I was grabbing a bite to eat at my school. When these two young boys, younger than me were talking about me and saying stuff about my back and how they were going to kick my back and negative things towards me, I told them to fuck off. I think they were surprised because they probably didn't, I heard them or would stand up for myself which is something I do now. I think when everything's been said, what else is there to say. I mean arguably it's not what people say it's what they talk about and what impact it has on people. Do some people choose to pick on the more vulnerable to make them feel weak or Powerless, yes? Do I let people affect me ? No because I'm more mature to not let people talk down to me. I don't give them the time of day anymore, I can't believe I used to let younger people give me absolute hideous crap. I'm very capable of speaking up for myself now as I've slowly learnt how to not be taken for granted, I've learnt how to talk to certain people, I've learnt that the more I speak up the more people speak down to me. As they understand it's actually quite inappropriate some of the derogatory comments that happen to fly my way. Before going on holidays and having surgery on my spine and before starting my career into secondary, I was content with most things I'd learnt or thought I'd learnt ? Is it possible to think about trying to start fresh? what I used to know was a massive learning curve at the time, having to grow up so fast, having to slowly blend back into way of life again with my friends, having to try harder at everything with everyone, and in actual fact I wasn't prepared for everything at the time, 5 years ago I wouldn't have ever thought I was going to have to go through all this, it sounds very cliché as I might be repeating myself a bit but used for good integrity. Most of my aspects of myself, what I get up to, who I surround myself with all comes down to bad choices, I am highly observed by people everyday now and i personally have a struggle to try to keep a fake smile on my face when deep down all I might be feeling at that point in time could be wanting to rip someone's face off.

For me I'm a firm believer in, you find in someone else a compatible weirdness. It could even be someone who's related to you. Right now I'm focusing on my art so one day I can be the next Valentino. I'm in a rubbish place right now, not happy