User:Vedisobe/Buddhism and violence/AverageEccentric Peer Review

General info
Vedisobe
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:User:Vedisobe/Buddhism and violence
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Buddhism and violence:

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi! It looks like perhaps you're still working on your edits. At the moment, from what I can see, the article in your sandbox matches the article that exists. I skimmed both and also cut and paste both into a word processing program and they have the same word count. I'm delighted to review your article when you're ready! Happy writing!

I definitely am 100% behind your analysis that the section needs simplification. In addition to the run-on sentences, I think that it's difficult for an "outsider" to understand. For instance it just says "after independence" -- Traditionally even in a subsection I'm accustomed to seeing a repetition of basic facts, like "After ___'s independence from ____." A review of the major players in this section of the story would be useful.

Added in March 2024: I can tell that you've done a lot more work and are more ready for my peer review, though it's still difficult to discern which work is yours (and therefore needing a peer review). As such I hope you don't mind I'll not use the peer review template above because it partly reviews work you are not doing, and probably don't intend to do, as it would be much larger than the scope of our assignment to perfect the entire article!

Something I'm seeing is that the paragraphs are very large and do not have topic sentences. There are significant blow-by-blow historical accounts of individual events, which may bear summarizing into shorter easier to read summaries. If it fits your plans, I would strongly suggest focusing on drastic simplification, because sometimes more details make the situation more difficult to understand. Also, the detailed history isn't sufficiently supported by evidence of each fact. Perhaps consider how you would explain this to a child and, since Wikipedia retains deleted material, condense every handful of sentences into 1 sentence, then make sure there are shorter paragraphs with topic sentences. Your remaining time might be better spent rewriting some sections instead of editing, since whatever you happen to remember from your research might be "just right" for a Wikipedia audience.

I'm also seeing quite a bit of jargon, or highly specialized language such as "hegemony" which the average reader might not understand.

Overall, however, I expect that since the "target" for the assignment is about 800 words, you're not expected to absolutely perfect this section? In that vein, please consider my suggestions the best ideas I have for whatever time you intend to add on this project, not a checklist of things I think must be completed for the assignment to be "done."