User:Vicccshi/Xu Jinglei/NAS26 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Vicccshi work being reviewed by NAS26.


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Vicccshi/Xu_Jinglei?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Xu Jinglei

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Lead Feedback:

-the lead includes an introductory sentence that is clear and concise about the filmmaker.

-the lead does not include a brief description of the articles major selections.

-the lead includes some information not present in the article but also includes information that is present later in the article (can probably cut out information that repeats)

Content Feedback:

-the content added is relevant to the topic

-the content added is up to date

-some of the content in the early life can be cut and changed a bit.

EARLY LIFE SECTION SUGGESTIONS

Xu Jinglei's father Xu Zijian and his mother Yu Shurong are both ordinary workers

[this sentence can be changed a bit-- "ordinary workers" sounds a bit vague.]

Xu also has a younger brother.

[Maybe start off early saying Xu grew up with her parents and brother. Adding that she had a little brother at the end of the paragraph makes her brother seem like an after-thought.]

'''When Xu was a student, she was recommended to a middle school in Beijing's Chaoyang District because of her extraordinary calligraphy skills. However, she didn't like calligraphy, but was forced by her father to study in the calligraphy class in Beijing Children's Palace to practice calligraphy every day and recite poems of Tang poetry under the strict education of her father.'''

[this whole paragraph can be changed. Cut the sentence that "Xu was a student"--the reader knows this because you talk about Xu being in middle school. You can either keep the part about calligraphy or take it out. It does distract the reader from Xu, the filmmaker.]

'''Later, Xu Jinglei fell in love with painting. When she was 17, she spent a long time commuting to learn painting and determined to study make-up as a major in the Stage Art department of The Central Academy of Drama. However, she was not admitted by The Central Academy of Drama, but was instead admitted to the acting department of Beijing Film Academy'''

[If you can discuss more about Xu's journey into film and how she felt about filmmaking. Instead of focusing a lot on painting and calligraphy unless this is important information.]

-The subtitle "other activities" could be changed to something more specific

Tone and Balance feedback:

-the tone of the content is neutral

-nothing in the editor's work appears heavily biased

-there are no viewpoints that are over-represented or under-represented

-the added content does not persuade the reader a certain way

Sources and References feedback:

-the "woman of china" reading link goes to the main page's website (try to have a link that goes to the article about the filmmaker)

-footnote 12 needs to be fixed

-all the sources are current

-the sources available reflect and connect to the filmmaker and topic of article

-the sources includes a diverse range of Chinese writers

Organization feedback:

-The organization of the content can be improved. You can try including an achievements and awards section so that it can clear up some room in the acting and directing subtitles sections.

-there a few to none spelling errors.

Overall Impressions:

-the content added improves the quality of the article by providing more detail about the filmmaker's career and early life.

-the strengths of the content added is the level of information and details provided.

-the content can be improved by fixing the organization and creating more subtitles.