User:Vikingexpert/Viking Trucks

Viking Trucks
The Vikings relied on not just strength and ferocity in battle, but also on fast, reliable, and deadly transportation.

Early Viking trucks were based on crappy boats that couldn't go anywhere fast. The Viking truck was truly perfected somewhere around the ninth century. The average speed of one of these was 60 - 70 mph but top speed under favorable conditions was around 90 mph. Factors like crowds of children, bodies of the vanquished, and entire villages were known to affect the weapon's maximum speed.

Vikings were experts in navigation, knowing the current and tides, and judging wind speed. However the exact details of their navigation methods are not well understood. Historians postulate that Vikings possess some kind of primitive GPS or Tom Tom device.

The Viking truck had uses other than simple transportation, and was quickly adapted for use in warfare. Fleets of trucks were used on scouting missions to probe the enemy defenses. When the main body of the Viking offense closed with the enemy the Viking truck could always be found in the fray. Trucks would charge the enemy line, using their massive tires to smash combatants into the mud and then grind them into play-doh. Viking warriors would swing their axes from the windows and it was not uncommon to find more Viking warriors in the bed, waiting for the exact moment to leap off the truck and into their foes.

To see a Viking truck in battle would be a terrible sight, indeed.



Culture
When Vikings die in battle, they go to Valhalla. To get there they have to hop in a truck and be set on fire. Vikings who died a particularly noble or brave death were buried with their truck. Supplies, Monster energy drinks, and guitars would be placed in the truck so the warrior would have something to do and would not fall asleep on his long trip to Valhalla.

It was not uncommon for human sacrifices to be made at a Viking burial. The Arab Muslim writer Ahmad ibn Fadlan witnessed a Viking burial that involed the sacrifice of a great cheiftan's thrall. After being stabbed and strangled, the thrall was thrown into the truck with his master and cremated. A Viking truck pyre can reach 1,400 degrees Celsius - considerably higher than a modern crematorium.

Scientific Viking facts about Vikings
Viking DNA is made out of staples. Vikings invented guitars, electricity, pyro, groupies, smoke machines, and the tube amplifier. Vikings worship thunder and lightning. Due to a recessive genetic flaw, Vikings are truly incapable of mercy. The only thing a Viking fears is dying like a wuss. Drinking nothing but water all day will actually kill a Viking. Viking brain cells rely on a chemical reaction with mead to function, and a Viking will die without the precious substance. The horned Viking helmet was created by accident. Vikings use human ears for currency and they have been highly resistant to the Euro. Erik the Red discovered Greenland after he was banished from him home for murder. There has never been a better reason for discovering anything. Ever. When a lady Viking is with child they will put earphones up to her stomach and play metal music for the unborn baby. Babies treated in this manner are typically born with beards. Vikings invented a .30 caliber machine gun superior to anything produced in modern times but it was seen as dishonorable and never saw mainstream use in combat. Viking blood is flammable.

Viking History
3,000 B.C. - Vikings allow the Pyramids to be built. 2,700 B.C. - The earliest Viking cave drawings date to this era. The drawings depict Vikings hunting and playing metal guitar, as well as crafting simple tools. 1,800 B.C. - Earliest versions of Viking axes and spears date to this era. 520 - Harold the Lucky wakes up after a night of binge mead drinking and finds two horns mysteriously affixed to his helmet. The modification is accidentally fashionable and spreads quickly throughout Viking culture. Harold never finds out how the horns came to be on his helmet. He never questions it, and in doing so, never limits his understanding. 700 to 900 - What we now call the Viking age begins. Vikings invent the truck and use it in their unique "lightning warfare." Anyone living anywhere near water is killed or enslaved. Paris and London are burned for fun. Places that don't even matter are conquered beause that's just how Vikings roll. 1000 - Vikings celebrate the first millenium by conquering America. 1300 to 1600 - Vikings allow the renaissance to happen.