User:Wallace1337/sandbox

A story of love, spanning several millennia and just a few alien invasions
I dedicate this story to the mods, whom I hope don't delete this until after Valentine's Day.

Chapter 1
It all started on the fields of Thermopylae, as the Spartans and the Persians were preparing to face off. Wally, fortunately tragic hero of the story, was out for a delightful stroll on his flying spaghetti monster, when he was shot down by the Persians' anti-air militarized laser squirrels. He plummeted to Earth, Reginald (previously stated flying spaghetti monster, or FSM) being severely wounded. "How rude!" he thought. "The UE (United Empires) sent me out to check on these two, and they have the nerve to shoot me down! And with SQUIRRELS. All that military spending, and we strap a few flashlights to rodents. Un. Be. Leivable." (It has been recorded in history that the Spartans and the Persians squared off in a battle of epic proportions. What has been failed to be recorded, is that the two squabbled all the time over petty matters like adolescent brothers, so for brevity historians have condensed the highlights into one battle, as most of the time was spent with them shouting insults about Who-Did-What-To-Whose-Mother).

Back to Wally. Kay, so he crashed. At this point, he was subjected to fluffy torture, as countless combat weasels (these were owned by the Spartans, as they couldn't leave without getting a hit in on the courier also) swarmed his face. Laughing and crying at the same time, that's when the lovely Kaelyn Jiran approached the furry mass and said the words that would define their relationship: "Hey, mister, you have weasels on your face." It was love at first sight for Wally; granted, he couldn't *really see her, nor really did he know from which direction she had spoken. But hey, she *sounded pretty.

Ok then a lot of mushy stuff happened and we don't really care about that, so let's wrap this up and say that she carried the awestruck Wally off the field, chased by a barrage of inane comments between the two armies ("Well at least my mother doesn't look like a codfish!").

They parted ways, and would meet again at the construction at the Leaning Tower of Piza, known at the time as the Tower of Piza.

Chapter 2
Wally had rented out the top floor of the tower (he enjoyed dropping water-flagons down on unsuspecting passers-by), and had amassed such a large supply of ordnance (totally not the aforementioned water flagons) that the building, literally, began to fall. This is where the phrase "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" originated. Not for any reasons related to the story, but because a nearby babushka was explaining the concept of the birds and the bees to her grandchildren (who would go on to invent the sun). THE NARRATOR JUST NOTICED THAT HE CAN MAKE TEXT LARGE.

Anywho, this building is going down. Fast. In a hilarious event, the water-flagons all tumbled out of the tower, and in this way Wally first invented gravity, but some jerk who saw the event took the credit for it. This is where the enchanting Kaelyn Jiran comes in; she had been silently tracking Wally for several centuries, as it seems she had either
 * 1) Taken a liking for the guy or
 * 2) Was afraid he would hurt somebody

With a confident smirk and a flip of her hair, she ran, jumped (or maybe she was flying), and managed to hold up the building and keep it from falling. Wally, unbalanced as he was, tumbled out of the building. Kaelyn had a choice; save the beautiful construct, or save the baffoon who was causing all this trouble. Obviously, she chose to save the baffoon, who was quite surprised to see her, and stuttered out a response. "H-h-hey, babe. How've you b-b-been?" By this point, she was overwhelmingly tired and didn't want to deal with the adorable loaf whom she had gotten attached to. Ok, so maybe she did, just a little, which is the only reason this next part makes sense. "I've been great, dearie, it's nice to finally see you again."

Then, after what had seemed like thousands of years (well, had literally been thousands of years), they had their first kiss, Wally being thankful to have the girl who had saved him twice back in his life again, and Kaelyn...well, to this day it is not known what compelled her to love that idiot. Not that he is objecting. Yeah, Wally was definitely in love with this girl at this point. From here on out, their story continues together.

Too long, didn't read: We have Kaelyn to blame for the (Now) Leaning Tower of Piza, Kaelyn is actually a superhero, Wally got a puppy and kissed Kaelyn, but those two things aren't related.

Chapter 3
Well, sort of together. There was a terrible dimensional rift (very common when the planets align, and even today in Philadelphia) that sucked Kaelyn into a fantastic world of dragons and chivalry. Now, because of her overwhelming beauty, most mistook her for a princess, particularly one that needed saving. But Kaelyn was a strong independent non-black woman who didn't need no saving. So Kaelyn became a knight, but instead of all that saving princesses crap, she went around punching dragons in their stupid faces (if only Wally could have seen that!) with all the finesse and grace of a dancer who had been practicing for a bajillion years. The longer she was separated from her lousy boyfriend (because this *is what they were now) the more vigorously she pursued her dragon-slaying. She had caught wind that Wally may have ended up in that land of Haryonbadobbydobby after all those years apart.

Meanwhile, Wally tried countless ways to follow Kaelyn into her current dimension. He tried everything: having black cats walk by him, wearing black and walking by cats, gaining weapon proficiency in dual-wield cats, learning the ways of cat-fu, eating cranberries, saving 15% or more by switching to Geico, watching "Cats," curing cataracts, inventing the cat-scan...Once the battery of cat-related summoning rituals ran out, he resorted to the the boring method of casting the spell "Appear at Significant Other." He instantly appeared in Haryonbadobbydobby...locked away in the top of a tower.

So, Kaelyn, just *knowing that Wally was in trouble, went to his location, following his cyan colored aura. However, in this time, Kaelyn was stopped over and over by pesky gnomes, airport security, dragons, gnome dragons, diamond dwarves, gnomish dwarves, and the occasional used car salesman. And Wally had teleported himself into the custody of a vile witch, who subsequently began to brainwash him. She replaced his memories of sweetness with fair Kaelyn with fabricated histories. Wally was falsely wooed into being the witch's sweetheart (Oh Noez, I haz a plot twist!).

When Kaelyn finally stormed the tower (which was easy at this point, because she was like a level 80 paladin, and you didn't mess with her and live), Wally did not at first recognize her! Oh, her dismay! He calmly denied her existence (though deep in his heart, a seed of guilt began stirring). She was heartbroken, she cried out to Wally...fortunately, she cast "Reclaim Good" and gave Wally a saving throw with a +2 bonus. It was just enough to dispel the evil that had taken hold of Wally, and he (confusedly) rushed into Kaelyn's arms.

She then killed the witch by punching the ground so hard the Haryonbadobbydobby blew up. Once again, level 80 paladin, and a superhero, and her power level was approximately 9001.

Wally and Kaelyn would carry on and no longer be separated.

Chapter 4
Bill Grates discovered the internet and invented Michaelsoft.

Chapter 5-ever
Together, Wally and Kaelyn led their own world into an era of prosperity, funding Columbus's journey to the new world, forging America, inventing cheeseburgers, and pretty much every decent thing in the world because of their great love for eachother. Ok, so maybe those two things don't exactly go together, but, whatever, the point is that they are madly in love and it's totally sweet and adorable and aww worthy and they happen to be the cutest couple who ever existed ever. Ever.

They are happy even today, still leading the world into a happier, loving future (except for Harryonbadobbydobby, that world was destroyed). The beautiful savior-warrior-princess-dancer-lovely-ragnarok Kaelyn Jiran, and the clutzy, unastounding Wally Morris, who is forever indebted to her neverending loyalty, devotion, willingness to put up with his crap and to save him time and time again, and he is deeply in love with her, and he believes that she returns the affection.

Too long, didn't read: Wally loves Kaelyn, Kaelyn loves Wally (God knows what for), I lied about the aliens, and Kaelyn Jiran goes down in history as the best girlfriend of all time.

Chapter 6 - Their future
The bumbling baffoon Wally hopes to attend prom with his lovely lady Kaelyn Jiran, hosted by South Pointe High School, on April 13th, 2013th year of our Lord.

In case you skipped all this, KAELYN, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME??

And they'll live on, happily ever after.

The End (lol kidding, they won't end)