User:Weenewman



Ethan Newman is better than you. Deal with it.

Ethan Newman
Ethan was born under a warm sun on a nice fall day, a sunday to be more specific. At the age of 3 months, he ran from his home in Dallas, Texas, to live with wild bears in the Canadian Yukon. Here, Ethan learned the importance of Respect, Family, Salmon, and Honey. When he turned 5, the bears put him in Bear school. There, Ethan learned all the things he would have at a Dallas Public School, only faster. By the age of 16, he was reading at a grad-student level, and was already a certified Bear vascular surgeon. Realizing that his time with the bears was almost over, Ethan decided to leave on a good note. He threw the biggest party the Yukon had (and has) ever seen.

The Party
Ethan called up his good friend Emeril and asked him to cater the party. Of course, Emeril could not refuse. He knew how these bear going away parties went down. Ethan also called up Flying Lotus to DJ for the party. Like Emeril, he could not refuse; needless to say, Everyone enjoyed the party. Even the Beavers & Badgers flew in from Montreal so they could give Ethan the farewell that he deserved. Sadly, the party was cut short when the goats from the next cave over called the forest police with a noise complaint. Later that night, Ethan & his bear friends sheared the goats. The next morning, Ethan left the forest to find his fortune. It was kind of like that scene in end of The Jungle Book where Mogli sees the pretty Indian girl and walks off with her. Except that he was with his racoon friend Rizzo, and he was wearing a leather jacket instead of a loin cloth.

Adventure
Ethan and Rizzo kicked around Canada for a few months, spreading forest cheer everywhere they went. They had a run-in with the Hells Angels at some biker bar in Winnipeg, but after some clever negotiations and peace offerings, things settled down. For the most part, Manitoba was pretty boring. But, as they traveled about the "Potato Basket" of canada, they came to respect the quaint province. On April 3rd, in honor of Washington Irving's birthday (the greatest Canadian hero to ever be born in Manhattan), they decided to check out a Canadian rest stop. While inside they took advantage of the complimentary coffee & tourist brochures. They were surprised to learn that Manitoba is Canada's largest producer or sunflower seeds and dry beans. Dry Beans! Imagine that!