User:WesternGoblin/Wilbour Papyrus/Laumoos Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

WesternGoblin


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:WesternGoblin/Wilbour_Papyrus?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Wilbour Papyrus

Evaluate the drafted changes
All of your changes were extremely needed for the article, it all really helps the article's flow. Firstly the lead was embarrassingly short and taking evidence from the history section and incorporating it into the lead solves the length problem of both sections. The only thing that stifles the flow of the article is how much detail is in sections A and B of the Papyrus and since it comes up again in the Content and Purpose section it gets slightly repetitive.

The History section in the original article is nosepickingly boring due to both it's length and the extreme detail that it goes into how Wilbour acquired the Papyrus, and your edits to shorten necessary details and distribute what doesn't really fit into the other sections is an extremely welcome change, in my opinion.

I'm not sure if I am understanding it correctly but couldn't the "Occupations and Landowners" and "Agricultural Land" sections be combined? Since the Papyrus is solely focused on the cultivatable land couldn't it be done? I am almost certain that I'm not in the right here since there is both a divide in the original article and your edit.

Overall the edits are very well received, I found when reading both articles back to back, yours flew by while the original article i nearly fell asleep to.