User:WesternGoblin/Wilbour Papyrus/RaccoonEnjoyer Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

WesternGoblin


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:WesternGoblin/Wilbour_Papyrus?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Wilbour Papyrus

Evaluate the drafted changes
I think the expansion of the lead section allows for more general information than the previous iteration. There is a lack of cited sources to back up the information presented however. I feel it has a pretty neutral tone save for the last sentence using the phrased "Served Egyptologists well" feels more like a persuasive statement than something along the lines of "It serves as an administrative document that speaks to a broader view of Egypt that was previously unknown" it's a more wordy phrase but describing why it serves Egyptologists gives it a more factual feel. I really appreciate the image of the papyrus added to the lead.

I think the choice of drastically shortening the history section is interesting. While it cuts out a lot of the descriptive language that could lead to a false image of the papyrus, it also cuts a description of how the papyrus is structured. I think the structure is an important thing that I'm glad was moved to the next section where it makes sense to belong.

I really appreciate the percentages added into the content sections it makes the image of the population much clearer. However, I think cutting translations of the four types of land isn't helpful and if there is information as to what each type of land means that would be a great addition. I also think that it was a great idea to cut the talk of all the uncertainty. A mention of it is good but having so much discussion of what isn't know wasn't very helpful in describing the usage of the land.

Overall I think more sources could be added to back up all the proposed information, I think the article is more balanced than it was before, Neutrality could be better but I think it makes a good start and that the Lead had a great improvement.