User:WhimsicalOkapi/'Abd al-Hayy/Mellowyellow4 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

WhimsicalOkapi


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:WhimsicalOkapi/'Abd_al-Hayy?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * 'Abd al-Hayy

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Overall, this is a really great article! I think you were able to a lot of details and information that was lacking in the existing article.

I think the lead (under the "Contents" section) is well done, it's concise but includes enough information to give the reader a sense of location and time, as well as the most important details of 'Abd al-Hayy and why he is important. They only thing I would change would be to clarify or change the word "discrete," because I don't know if readers will be able to understand exactly that that means.

I would also reconsider the heading "Early Life and Relationships," since the section is mostly talking about his professional and career relationships. I think that the current title implies more details about his family and more personal details or romantic relationships, so I think there's a little bit of a disconnect there. I have some small grammatical suggestions (marked in bold) : "`Abd al-Hayy has been heavily associated with Jalayerid Ovays, who is another notable miniature artist. Ovays ’s became a mentor and teacher..." and "Their relation is theorized to have begun during may have begun during Ovays's reign." Finally, just delete one of the repeated phrases in this sentence: "During this period, Šams-al-dīn spent much of his time and energy to instructing ʿAbd-al-Ḥayy during this period."

I would look at the first sentence under "Style" again; the word "seems" almost implies that you are making a judgement, and I know a goal of these articles is to be a neutral as possible. Maybe try: "Evidence suggests that `Abd al-Hayy seems to have specialized in monochrome ink drawings, as can be seen in the work of his pupil, Ahmad Jalayir," or something along those lines. The transition to the next sentence is a little confusing: I think you went from talking about monochrome drawings to wall paintings? If you can clarify that by adding a transitional sentence or more context, I think the reader could get a better understanding. I'm also a little confused by this sentence: 'prepared an Abū Saʿīd-nāma containing black and white drawings" - from clicking on the link, it appears that Abū Saʿīd-nāma is a person, but in this sentence it's being used as a noun, like it is something that he created? It would be great if you could clarify that. One more grammatical suggestion: "The contradiction between this painting’s style and that it is attributed to ʿAbd-al-Ḥayy has not yet been resolved ." Finally, I would suggest potentially moving the last sentence to the beginning of this section; I think it makes sense to start with a broader overview of the content in his work, and then move to more details about whether he was working in monochrome or full color, since there seems to be some conflicting evidence on that.

This article has so much great information and adds a lot of specific examples. You were especially able to contribute a lot to the "Style" section, which I think is the most important section for people who are trying to understand more about this artist. You did a good job presenting the evidence and showing how works have been attributed to ʿAbd-al-Ḥayy through his characteristic styles and connections to other artists at the time. The sources are reliable and you did a good job pulling information from different sources. I would just double check some grammatical structures and make sure that are are enough transitions so the evidence is incorporated well, but you've already done so much great work on this, good job!