User:Willraschkowan/Floating man/Beep445 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

I will be reviewing Alexb888, Ffaa88, Reagy64 and Tim1113's article.


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Willraschkowan/Floating_man?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Floating man

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Content
The content added in this draft is not only recent, but equally relevant to the topic, although expanding on the added material, given the length of the source, in order to help others who are unfamiliar with the topic to better understand the article would be best. In addition, the content occasionally does not make sense, such as in this case:


 * “There are three primary stages that examine and observe the versions of Ibn Sina’s project, the floating man.

The main intention, the existential separability, describes the understanding of the reality of the human soul and the belief of its nature

While the existential separability, helps one comprehend the reality of a human soul and the belief, the conceptual separability answers the question to how a human self can form a thought without having one’s human body included

And finally, the last stage, the awareness of awareness, describes that oneself is aware of something as well as one being aware of being aware of something.”

In this case, the content written does not keep up with its own premise, as despite the fact that three stages are mentioned to be part of this concept, only two are mentioned.

Tone and Balance
The tone used in this article is very neutral, which does not create a bias from the reader's perspective or favouritism on a certain viewpoint.

Sources and Reference
The PDF provided as a source is valid, current and working, but the page number is never provided and the source is often forgotten in multiple statements made by the writers, such as in these cases:


 * “Sina points out a connection between ‘being a self’ and ‘being aware of that which is a self’.”
 * “There are three primary stages that examine and observe the versions of Ibn Sina’s project, the floating man.”
 * “The main intention, the existential separability, describes the understanding of the reality of the human soul and the belief of its nature.”
 * “While the existential separability, helps one comprehend the reality of a human soul and the belief, the conceptual separability answers the question to how a human self can form a thought without having one’s human body included.”

It would be best to point out that a good portion of the content added to the article is entirely plagiarised, such as in these cases:


 * “The relation between the existence of the self, and self-awareness, is investigated further in Ibn Sina’s al-Taʿliqāt. Sina asserts that to be a self is to be self-aware using the following arguments:

a) 'When the self exists, self-awareness exists with it.'

b) 'For the existence of the self is the awareness of itself, and these concepts are both inextricable.'

c) 'Our awareness of our selves is itself our existence.'"

In this case, the text is a direct copy from the source, and there is absolutely no effort in trying to make your explanation original. The writers are therefore at risk of a totally invalid editing process.


 * “Sina points out a connection between ‘being a self’ and ‘being aware of that which is a self’”

In this case, the text is simply a direct paraphrasing of what is mentioned in the source. The writers are therefore at risk of a totally invalid editing process.

Organization
Most of the writing in the new version of this article has poor writing skills, such as in this case:


 * "While the existential separability, helps one comprehend the reality of a human soul and the belief , the conceptual separability answers the question to how a human self can form a thought without having one’s human body included”

In this case, there’s unnecessary punctuation and repetition of the same word within the sentence, which makes the text difficult to follow.

Additionally, the structure of many sentences is fairly odd, as many singular sentences are turned into individual paragraphs, such as in this case:


 * “There are three primary stages that examine and observe the versions of Ibn Sina’s project, the floating man.

The main intention, the existential separability, describes the understanding of the reality of the human soul and the belief of its nature

While the existential separability, helps one comprehend the reality of a human soul and the belief, the conceptual separability answers the question to how a human self can form a thought without having one’s human body included

And finally, the last stage, the awareness of awareness, describes that oneself is aware of something as well as one being aware of being aware of something.”

In this case, the text is oddly formed into several paragraphs, and many of the same concepts are divided. In order to improve this, it is recommended to make a subheading for your overall concept, and then to make three paragraphs for the division of the concept. This will ensure your organization.

Occasionally, the information added is severally unrelated and out of context to the main topic, such as in this case:


 * “The relation between the existence of the self, and self-awareness, is investigated further in Ibn Sina’s al-Taʿliqāt. Sina asserts that to be a self is to be self-aware using the following arguments: a) 'When the self exists, self-awareness exists with it.'   b) 'For the existence of the self is the awareness of itself, and these concepts are both inextricable.'  c) 'Our awareness of our selves is itself our existence.'"

In this case, the main topic refers to the background of The Floating Man, while this addition rather provides more meaning to the concept of The Floating Man, since one does not gain any knowledge on the topic of preexisting history to The Floating Man concept.

Overall impressions
Considering the fact that the article had little information prior to the editing, the addition of new information provided by the source is very pertinent and will be great for the expansion of this topic. Although this group did great with keeping a neutral tone when explaining concepts and retrieving a well researched source, they fell short on many core aspects of updating an article, such as avoiding plagiarism, maintaining a form of sense, being relevant to the major points, and organisation of the added information. Please keep working on this article.