User:Yavapai2003/Gandalf (mythology)/Coprolitedelight Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

I'm reviewing Yavapai2003 article of choice "Gandalf"


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Gandalf
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Gandalf

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Looking over the template for peer review I have decided to concentrate on the Lead/Organization section and might have a note on possible missing information or an unclear point. The other questions or sections seem to be pretty solid for the article, sources look great, images are diverse and well sorted, I didn't notice any grammar errors or miss-spelling, ect ect.

This article has a lot of information, so you probably won't be able to find anything that isn't already here. I understand that the introduction might be mirroring the layout of the article as it talks about his characteristics before his appearance in the books, but as a reader I did find the second paragraph in the introduction/header to be hard to consume. I know a little bit about this character and the second paragraph seemed way to "advanced" or detailed for a introduction to his character, It's fantastic information but maybe find a way to reorganize. (I've copied it below to be easy to view) As a reader I would want to know his character from the first book he showed up in and then move on adding more about his character as you read. I would bump this paragraph down for easier reading.

"As a wizard and the bearer of one of the Three Rings, Gandalf has great power, but works mostly by encouraging and persuading. He sets out as Gandalf the Grey, possessing great knowledge and travelling continually. Gandalf is focused on the mission to counter the Dark Lord Sauron by destroying the One Ring. He is associated with fire; his ring of power is Narya, the Ring of Fire. As such, he delights in fireworks to entertain the hobbits of the Shire, while in great need he uses fire as a weapon. As one of the Maiar, he is an immortal spirit from Valinor, but his physical body can be killed."

(copied from article)

If you were to bump this down, you could also make the lead into the next paragraph smother.

"In The Hobbit, Gandalf assists the 13 dwarves and the hobbit Bilbo Baggins with their quest to retake the Lonely Mountain from Smaug the dragon, but leaves them " (Copied from article)

"Gandalf first appearance was in The Hobbit, Gandalf assists the 13 dwarves and the hobbit Bilbo Baggins with their quest to retake the Lonely Mountain from Smaug the dragon, but leaves them"

Maybe something like this?

While reading I also noticed that apart from a small part in the introduction ( "he is an immortal spirit from Valinor,") it never plainly state again where Gandalf originally comes from, based on format of this article, the first thing that was listed in his biography was Valinor, but it never states it outrate in that part of the article. Maybe there could be a small sentence added to the Valinor to clear that up?