User:Yk0302/User:Kosenrufu2030/sandbox/Doublebassplayerv Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

(Kosenrufu2030)


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Kosenrufu2030/sandbox

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Overall I think this is very well structured and highly informative. I think the lead is a great summary of the information found in the rest of the article and I think the overall structure of the article works really well. I think the first major section titled "Early Life" could be changed to maybe "Career" or broken up into several other sections since this section expands upon Hawkins' career all the way to the present day and not just the early life. I also think some of the sentences can be revised to avoid some commas. For instance, the sentence "Also, during this time, Hawkins is performing in Porgy and Bess in concert and fully staged productions around the world, alternating between the leading role and Jake, the supporting role" might be more clear if revised by perhaps eliminating "Also" and making it clear that this is still past tense by changing "Hawkins is performing" to "Hawkins performed".

There are also moments where, although it might feel redundant, I think you could replace "he" with "Hawkins" such as the third sentence in the 1990's section. Lastly, in an effort to appear even more neutral, you might consider changing the word "flourish" in the last sentence of the 1980s section to maybe something like "achieve success, take off" etc. Overall great work I think it's mainly just a few minor sentence touch-ups that will improve this article.)