User:Yunshui/How not to get unblocked

Determined to keep that block hanging over your head at all costs? Having declined a not-inconsiderable number of block appeals, I'm in a pretty good position to give you some advice on how you can prevent any administrator from lifting your block - even if they want to! That block is yours - you hang on to it!

Don't read the block notice
The admin who blocked you probably left a templated message explaining the reason behind the block - ignore that. Instead, try to think of a reason why someone might want to block you, and respond to that instead. For example, if your block message says: "'You have been blocked indefinitely from editing for advertising or promotion'" you can safely assume this means that you made some errors in formatting your submission, and therefore post an unblock request that points out how closely you have read the markup guidelines. Alternatively, ignore the block notice entirely and use the template to ask questions about editing, prompting an influx of admins to visit your talkpage and provide useful advice (like, "Stop misusing the  template.").

Regurgitate the appeals guide
The usual advice, both in the guide to appealing blocks and in the standard decline template, is that you must convince an administrator: It stands to reason, then, that the best possible unblock appeal would be one that says exactly those things. Thus, the text you want to copy into your appeal is this: "" Obviously any administrator reading this will be immediately convinced of these facts. Fortunately, however, most administrators are too dense to understand these concepts without further exposition, and so if you simply copy the wording of the appeals guide without explaining in any detail why the block is no longer necessary, or what you won't do again, then they will be pretty much guaranteed to turn you down.
 * that the block is not necessary to prevent damage or disruption, or:
 * that the block is no longer necessary because you understand what you are blocked for, you will not do it again, and you will make productive contributions instead

Claim you didn't know the rules
Nobody seriously expects new editors to read all those policies and guidelines, do they? So how were you to know that replacing the article about pizza with "Wikipedia is faggy lololol" five times in a row wouldn't be allowed? Yes, some people posted messages on your talkpage, but you're new, so you didn't know you had a talkpage - you thought that little orange message meant you had new emails, or something. Obviously it's totally unfair to assume that you would know the complicated rules and regulations, so say as much in your appeal. That way, you can settle back and enjoy the self-righteous posturing of the admins, as they claim, "ignorance of the law is no excuse," like the fascists they are.

Insist you were in the right
Your version of the article is the right one. It just is. You know this in your very soul. Sources are biased and other editors don't have the full picture, but you know what really happened. All you have to do is explain this, ideally in minute and exacting detail, in a very long unblock request (for extra points, avoid paragraph formatting and just post a big wall o' text). Admins will be more than happy to spend their volunteer time carefully examining each and every point of order in your appeal, and will undoubtedly be convinced that you are indeed right. However, since Wikipedia's yardstick is verifiability, rather than good honest truth, they still won't be able to unblock you, especially if you were so focused on explaining the veracity of your position that you forget to address the actual reason for the block.

Make non-specific promises
Admins want to know that you understand the reason you were blocked - don't give them the satisfaction! Instead, compose something nebulous and generic, like, "I was blocked because I didn't follow the rules; I won't do it again." On no account should you mention any policies or guidelines, but if you must, refer to them in passing only: "I was blocked because of WP:COPYVIO; I won't do it again." State that you completely understand the reason you were blocked and the rules you were breaking, but make sure you don't explain in any way what the reason was and what the rules actually say. This approach is especially effective if you combine it with begging, see below:

Beg
"Please, please, please unblock me, I am so very, very sorry for not following the rules; I will never, ever do it again. I cry myself to sleep ever night knowing that I might never regain the community's trust, but I beg of you, have a heart and give me one last chance..." Upload a .gif of yourself crying for added effect. Admins are known for their callousness; this approach will all but guarantee your request will be declined.

Deny everything
This is a good one if you've been blocked for sockpuppetry. After all, they can't prove that the other account was you; there's always the possibility that someone else was accessing your IP to edit the same articles as you with a computer that's identical to yours. Straight up deny that you've done anything wrong; you're the victim of tragic circumstance. Of course, this is literally the first thing that any account accused of being a sockpuppet does - so admins will take your denial as surefire confirmation of guilt.

If you're blocked for something else, you may not be aware that admins can review your entire contribution history - they totally can, so saying, "I never did that" when you blatantly did is a perfect way to ensure that block sticks around for you.

Blame the blocking admin
He/she hates you! It's a personal vendetta! Also, they are almost certainly a racist, bigot, misogynist, anti-Semite, homophobe or Nazi. Why else would they try and censor your efforts to tell the Truth?

Better yet, see if you can find a way to suggest the admin is not competent to issue blocks: "In 2005, Yunshui removed a comma from between two independent clauses; he clearly knows nothing of how Wikipedia works and should not be an admin." A tirade of full-on abuse aimed at the blocking admin - or anyone else, for that matter - will serve to convince a reviewer of the righteousness of your cause, and they will ensure you don't have to deal with any petty, quibbling administrators ever again (by removing your talkpage access).

As an extension of this tactic, try wikilawyering; see below:

Wikilawyer
There's always a way to twist the wording of a policy to fit your ends. Have a look at the blocking policy and see if you can make a case based on the statement that "Administrators must not block users with whom they are engaged in a content dispute". Since most admins have been around for years, chances are they've made some sort of edit that vaguely relates to your block - hey presto! an immediate flawed unblock request is yours for the making. Alternatively, try pointing out that your fourth revert was actually twenty-six hours after your first one, and so you haven't technically broken the three-revert rule. Or suggest that, since you only received three of the "mandatory" four warnings before being blocked, the block was actually overly hasty. Basically, check the rulebook, cherry-pick anything that supports your unblock, and whack it in an appeal. Administrators simply love being told that you know the rules better than they do, and will reward you with a swift decline.

Blame someone else
This is super-effective if you've been involved in an edit-war. The other party must have been edit-warring too, right? So why didn't the admin block them, too? Focus your entire appeal on how unjust it is that someone else hasn't been blocked. If you got blocked for making personal attacks, claim that you were insufferably provoked. "Yunshui said my source was inadequate, which harmed my self-esteem; that's why I called him a pig-fucker and told him I'd come round his house and kill him and all his family with a hedge-trimmer." Remember, it's never your fault that you're blocked, and the more you blame others, the longer you'll stay that way.

Promise to do it again
Blocked for writing promotional stuff about your company/band/pet ferret? Ask for help "to bring the article in line with Wikipedia guidelines", but make sure it's very clear that you have no intention of writing about anything else, ever. After all, other people's ferrets are on Wikipedia... If you're blocked for copyright violations, announce that you will continue to add the text/images in question, but that you'll post a note saying where you got them from - that's how copyright works, isn't it? Blocked for edit-warring? Make sure you make it very clear that you were in the right, and that the article needs to be reverted back to your version again ASAP. And of course, if we blocked you for scrawling cusswords all over an article, then an unblock request consisting solely of the word "Poo", written 200 times in boldface, is a surefire way to let everyone know you're gloriously unrepentant.

Request unblock a lot
If your first unblock appeal isn't responded to within three minutes, it's obviously not working properly. Add a few more templates to your talkpage - six or seven should do the trick, to begin with. Continue adding them at a rate of about one every five minutes until your talkpage access gets revoked. Admins find this much more enjoyable than just a single appeal, and the extra work fun they have in merging all the templates together or disabling them means they'll be far better-disposed towards you by the time they actually get around to declining your appeal. And when they do decline it, they'll be delighted if you immediately post a new appeal that reiterates the exact same reasoning as the declined one (ideally word-for-word); this means that more than one of them gets to join in the fun!.

Go for a plea bargain
"I promise, if I ever do anything bad again you can block me FOREVER!" Admins do of course need your permission to block you, so this is a very considerate offer. The thing is, you're already blocked - those lazy administrators may well not want to go to the extra trouble of re-blocking you when you next add your ferret's contact details, and so will simply leave the existing block in place.

Talk about yourself in the first person plural
You aren't allowed to share your account on Wikipedia, so if you give a clear impression in your appeal that more than one person is using it, bang goes any chance of an unblock. "We would like to have our account unblocked..." is a good way to start. Sign off as "CompanyX's Legal/IT/Marketing team" to make extra sure that your request is denied.

Threaten legal action
If you've only been handed a short block - 48 hours or so - you may feel a bit let down. You deserve more, dammit! Get an instant extension to indefinite by threatening to sue Wikipedia if they don't accede to your demands - extra points if you cite laws or legal systems that couldn't possibly be relevant. It doesn't matter whether or not you actually intend to sue anyone; the threat alone is enough. Isn't it great to have a recourse to law?

Request unblock using a sockpuppet
Now we're into the truly pro-league of staying blocked. Simply create a new account, and use it to request an unblock for your old account (or do it logged out, if that seems like too much trouble). You're absolutely guaranteed to be turned down, although if you want to make certain, do a few edits with your new account first - ideally, repeat the edits you were previously blocked for. Remember: more socks equals more blocks! You can also add to the excitement by posting separate unblock requests for each of your sockpuppets, claiming to be unrelated to the others and a victim of tragic coincidence.

Share the joy by getting a couple of mates to create accounts and join in. It's like a party! But with more typing.

Claim you were hacked
The ultimate in getting your block to stick around forever; this is a real trump card. Because Wikipedia has a policy that prevents compromised accounts from being unblocked, claiming that someone else used your account while you were getting a coffee is a surefire way to ensure that no one will unblock you, ever. Extra credit if you can blame your little brother, the scamp. Of course, if you've made the mistake of getting yourself a committed identity then you've shot yourself in the foot for this scheme...

Go nuclear!
If you've read through the above options and been unimpressed by how tame they are, you can always pull out the big guns - compose an unblock request that consists of a string of profanity and abuse, and watch as your talkpage access gets pulled as well. Since this rather limits your ability to make any more appeals, you'll need to be thorough; this is going to be the last time you get to post on Wikipedia so make sure you go out with a bang!