User:ZachTelmar

Zach Telmar
A.K.A. Ben The memoir.

Life Summary
Basically this man was awesome. He was awesome. There are about infinity sources that could be quoted to affirm this, but they won't be, because you should be able to find them.

Okay, so this guy lived to like ninety-nine years old. That was as far as he wanted to go, since Myspace wouldn't let you get any older and life should be more like Myspace, so ninety-nine was as far as he went.

He also required some items form a hardware store, but, sadly, there was none in his area. This song summarizes the next few events.

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right outta my mind Until a friend told me the news

He said, "(Hey), you know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on the spot they're gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws"

Since then I've been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair 'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care I've been waiting since last June

For this day to finally arrive I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive 'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon

I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room in my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine

Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically

And they're doing a promotional stunt There's a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free

I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

(breathe) Would you look at all that stuff ... They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store

Cause of Death
He died by drowning and gunshot wound. See, there was this eight-year-old girl right near the Hudson River, this one day. And she was eating a snow cone, because it was infinity degrees out. It was cherry, by the way. Not the degrees, the snow cone. Zach Telmar was like, girl, you really want to eat that cherry snow cone, you're allergic to cherry, so she said, go shoot the bull, except the bull shot Zach, and he fell right into the Hudson River. It was very dramatic.

Actually, the bull was this guy named Francis, and he wasn't even a bull, he was a fourty-two year old white male who balded slightly and walked Richard Nixon's dog on his days off.

There are more exciting details about his death that are too cool for words;; usually that is just an expression, but it actually real this time, since the dictionary is not quite up to date with people as amazing and memorable as Zach. Remember this man and friend his Myspace so he can start a cult-ish movement against Facebook and many other vile things like The Hills, or maybe MTV in general, I'm not sure yet.

This Wikipedia article is completely true, because this is the interweb and everything is true here. Just ask anyone.

The Hero
Mr. Telmar is also one of the great heroes of the blogosphere. It is a little know fact today but in the future Zachy saves almost the whole world from from the horrid RIAA, uniting both pirates (the illegal downloader type) and ninjas (the ninja type). Along with R. Munroe (XKCD), Zachy, and the pirates, and the ninjas fought off the RIAA and won the day for nerds, geeks, and super cool people such as Finneas. Unfortunately after fighting off the RIAA they retaliated sending hackers to attack the bloggers in the little niche of the internet they call home. Zach triumphed yet again (the details of which include beaming anyone affiliated with the RIAA into a game off SSBB to be eternally pwned by the SSBB crew - and Roy, of course). Shortly afterwards, Mr. Telmar went off on an around-the-world zepplin trip, but then there was that incident with the girl near the Hudson... we shall all mourn him thrice daily.