User:Zmbashir/Women’s Center For Legal Aid and Counseling (WCLAC)/Cliopentimento Peer Review

General info
Zmbashir
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Zmbashir/Women%E2%80%99s_Center_For_Legal_Aid_and_Counseling_%28WCLAC%29?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):

Evaluate the drafted changes
LEAD: The two different introductions are confusing, and the lead needs to include the year the group was founded.

Throughout the entry has in-text citations, but you need to fill out the citations via Wikipedia (not just through links but by manually entering the information about author, date, publication, etc.)

The lead should include the basic who, what, where, when, why of the org. Who are the women who founded the group? Were the founders Palestinian or Israeli?

"honor killings" needs to be hyperlinked to the relevant Wikipedia entry and briefly defined.

What does "action-oriented research" mean? How does it relate to staying up to date with the honor killings?

"so many loopholes for men to hide" the honor killings is casual and vague language. Try to be more precise and specific, i.e. "The legal system makes it difficult to try or convict men for honor killings"

There are sentences that are not grammatically correct. Please try to proofread carefully.

BODY

The organization is confusing and doesn't seem to proceed chronologically. It would be helpful to have a section that explains how this organizaiton began in the first place. I started reading the "Mission against femicide" section thinking that it was going to explain how the group got started, but it seems to be getting into the organization's work today and jumps into feminicide. The "mission against feminicide" section is unclear. This paragraph is full of vague language:

"Palestinian women began rising up WHEN? and challenging male-centric patriarchal ideals, which included rethinking familial structures (VAGUE. WHAT LAWS AND IDEALS SPECIFICLLY?). Any sign of independence amongst women in Palestine, even its most miniscule forms, meant that these women were becoming more empowered, which threatened the male-dominated family, work, and life dynamics.(THIS FEELS LIKE A SWEEPING GENERALIZATION AND NOT STATEMENT OF FACT-- INCLUDE THE SPECIFIC LAWS THAT ARE MALE DOMINATED THAT WOMEN WERE STARTED TO RESPOND DO) In Palestinian society, any act of empowerment was seen as a threat to the male in the family’s reputation, which would ultimately spark gossip and rumors, and added an additional societal pressure on the family. Men would force their wife to stay home unless given permission to do otherwise, or shutting out the woman from her family. Any movement against social norms was dangerous. Going against these heavy societal constraints would ultimately act as a “reason” for the male to kill the female, becoming an extreme way for men to stay in control. As a result, the moments leading up to her death become very suspicious, the conclusion often being suicide."

The language here is not entirely grammatically correct, and it's also drawing on generalizations. It's unclear what this section has to do with the group. The next paragraph identifies a very specific example and quote--why? Your paragraphs and sections need to be purpose-driven and focused. It should also come after a section in which you explain the history of the group itself, which seems to come next. The section "Following the large NGO wave of activity..." seems to be explaining the history of this group. That should come first.

Again, you need to tell us who founded the group (how many people? Israeli or Palestinian? Middle class feminists? Feminist lawyers?)

"WCLAC launched the Model Parliament: a national campaign to guarantee legislation to protect and make equal the rights and participation of women in civil society" '''WHERE? IN ISRAEL AND PALESTINE?'''

“Don’t walk in front of me, I cannot follow you. Don’t walk behind me, I can’t wait for you. Walk beside me and be my ally,” the Model Parliament called for total equality emphasizing a democratic approach to legal change WERE THEY TRYING TO REACH OUT TO MEN AND WOMEN IN THIS CAMPAIGN?

Attempting to reach people of all socioeconomic backgrounds, the Parliament received mixed responses and divided activists whose primary goal was liberation. LIBERATION FROM WHAT?

Clergy delegitimized women’s role in activism and pushed against the removal of shari’a law from civil courts, while Hamas continued this message of delegitimizing women by painting WCLAC as a minority of non-Muslim extremists who wanted women to divorce their husbands '''WHAT KIND OF CLERGY? BE SPECIFIC. AND HYPERLINK HAMAS'''

Following extremist attacks, WCLAC changed the narrative of their activism calling for a generic freedom of expression rather than total equality (hyperline Jad, Islah book). The public scrutiny led the tactics of WCLAC to evolve due to their inability to practice law and unite women in certain spaces. '''WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? AND EVOLVE HOW? BE SPECIFIC AND REMEMBER TOO TO INCLUDE KEY YEARS THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTRY'''

The final section on contemporary responses and goals should lead with your organization, and not with so much context. Weave context in, but lead always with your group.

"The contemporary response to violence against women in Palestine is marked by significant challenges arising from a lack of authority, discriminatory laws, and limited institutionalized policies. (THIS AGAIN IS VAGUE. BE SPECIFIC ABOUT LAWS, ETC.) The prevailing context reveals an alarming absence (ALARMING ABSENCE IS NOT ENCYCLOPEDIA LANGUAGE) of effective law enforcement, contributing to numerous crimes against women, including rape, sexual violence, incest, child abuse, and so-called "honor" justice.(AGAIN NOT ENCYLOPEDIA LANGUAGE) The Palestinian Authority (PA) HYPERLINK is criticized for not taking sufficient action to address violence within families, exacerbated by the underreporting of crimes due to low authority law enforcement. (hyperlink, book)" '''THE LAST SENTENCE IS NOT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT, WHAT IS EXACERBATED? AND "LOW AUTHORITY LAW ENFORCEMENT" IS UNCLEAR'''

"Two primary obstacles hindering enhanced protection against domestic violence are identified: discriminatory laws and the lack of institutionalized policies.(SUCH AS WHAT? EXPLAIN THE LAWS) The police's limited training and procedures in dealing with violence against women further compound the issue. Despite efforts by the women's movement established in 2005 WHAT WOMEN'S MOVEMENT EST IN 2005?, specialized police units and comprehensive policies are yet to be fully implemented.

In response to the crisis, WCLAC secured funding to establish a shelter in Bethlehem, offering refuge to women and children escaping violence. '''WHEN? AND WHAT MADE THIS MOMENT A CRISIS, AS COMPARED TO OTHER TIMES? WERE THEY DOCUMENTING AN INCREASE IN VIOLENCE? A Memorandum of Understanding with the Ministry of Social Affairs (MOSA) WHICH WAS WHAT?''' led to the operation of an emergency shelter in a West Bank city. (hyperlink, book) Although strides have been made, financial and political constraints have impacted the operation of a shelter in Jenin for girls under 18. Notwithstanding these challenges, the WCLAC reported the successful operation of a second shelter in 2006, representing a vital step towards providing a safe haven for women in distress.

'''WHY ARE EVENTS IN 2005 and 2006 under a "CONTEMPORARY RESPONSES AND GOALS" HEADING? THIS WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO?'''

What happened to the group since 2005?

This entry has some pieces of good information, but it needs reorganization and clearer writing. Throughout, it needs to lead with what the organization itself has done and provide years of its major actions. There is a lot of sweeping language about gender ideology in Palestine that borders on essentializing the culture, which I know is not the intention. I tried to draw attention to some of this above, but I did not point out all of the issues. Avoid sweeping language. Focus on specific laws, and make sure the langauge is suitable for an encyclopedia entry.

Look at this entry about an NGO Incite! for guidance on writing about an NGO. I'm happy to meet if you have questions and want to talk about this. KM