User:Zzhao123/Effects of violence in mass media/Krodg093 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Zzhao123 and JPMolina02


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Zzhao123/Effects of violence in mass media


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Effects of violence in mass media

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead:

Lead is fairly reflective of the article content. Maybe introduce the major contributing theories that are discussed. Update to include the addition of cultivation theory section.

Yes the lead clearly describes the articles topic, and the conflicting opinions surrounding it.

The lead describes one of the major sections, social learning theory, but does not introduce the other major sections that follow.

Opinions of philosopher Plato are introduced in this section, but no other reference is made to him throughout the article. Maybe move this section out of the lead, and incorporate it into the article's body.

Details in the lead stray a bit from their role of introducing the subject. I think the first paragraph alone, and the addition of a sentence introducing the major sections/theories would be sufficient.

Content:

Yes the added cultivation theory section is relevant to the topic. This addition clearly explains one of the most well-known theories in relation to media and violence. Good use of an example to convey how this theory is relevant to real life. Maybe the title could be updated to include the magic bullet theory, as the section heavily discussed this (or possibly create sub-sections within cultivation theory).

Yes the content added is up to date.

Reference to Plato may be missing, as this was included in the lead. Could move the section about his thoughts from the lead into the general body.

Tone and Balance:

All added content effectively maintains a neutral tone.

No claims that seem bias. Authors effectively explain the different opinions on media and violence without praising one side over the other. Claims are attributed to their respective scholars/theorists, not the authors own opinions.

Sources and References:

The cultivation theory section does not yet include any references. Theory definitions and Gerbner's ideas should be backed up by reliable secondary sources.

Links in the greater article seem to work, mostly referencing reliable scholarly journal data bases.

Organization:

Some of the content is a bit difficult to read. Try to re-work the first sentence to make it clear what the theory is examining. Include commas to avoid run-on/wordy sentences.

There are a few spelling and grammatical errors.

-Second sentence of cultivation theory paragraph: change 'see' to 'seen'

-Sentence begging with 'however' is not a full sentence, connect it to following sentence using commas.

-Maybe create subsections for the major theories and aspects discussed (cultivation, magic bullet and mean world syndrome). I think this would make it easier for the reader to distinguish between them, especially between cultivation and magic bullet.

Images

No images currently included in article.

If you wanted to add an image, consider maybe a picture of violent media, or of a person consuming this violent media.

Overall Impressions:

The content added filled a critical gap that had previously existed in the article. I think the authors were effective at explaining and providing real-world examples of what cultivation theory is and how it presents itself. The section introduced a key theorist of media and violence, and well summarized his thoughts and contributions to the topic.

To improve the article continue to edit spelling and grammatical mistakes. Work on sentence structure to maintain flow throughout the article. Make sure to introduce your contributions, as well as the other major sections, in the lead.

Great work so far!