User talk:AbbSe37/sandbox

Instructor Comments on Draft/Peer Review 2
SPhilSmit thanks for your helpful and detailed review! The formatting of your comments was a little confusing at first, but the suggestions you made regarding content and clarity were very good - thanks for taking the time and going through your peer's work section by section. I would have liked to see some comments on the overall presentation of the article and its content, but overall, good work! Grade: 12/15.

AbbSe37 you did a good job incorporating the changes from peer review 1, and I like the direction you're taking with your reorganization. However, I just want to see more content! I know you had received the new book later than expected, but I was really hoping to see at least a few additions from there in this draft so that there was more for your peer to comment on, especially since a lot of their comments (rightly) relate to adding more content info on several topics. Good job incorporating their suggestions right away, and just keep plugging away and adding content - you know this is your biggest task right now, and you have an entire book to go through. I'm really excited to see the final product! Grade: 11/15

Peer Review 2
Hi AbbSe37:

It was a lot of fun reading your wikipedia page. Servilia sounds like a very interesting women. You have added a lot of information to this page. All of my comments are in bold. I have given some suggestions on how to rephrase some of the sections to make them more neutral. In addition, I have added some suggestions on extra information that I believe will help further the readers understanding of Servilia. I am looking forward to the completed page.

• Early Life

o Servilia had great influence on her half-brother Cato the Younger: Briefly explain why this is important. (maybe a quick explanation of who Cato the Younger is)

- Marriages and Children

o “Her daughters were all married out to prominent and politically active families”:

- Rephrase—Each of Servilia were married into prominent and politically active families.

o If possible, add information about the families they married into

o Looking forward to you adding more information about the family and marriage.

o “Respect and power over Brutus and Cato[7]. Don't know how to integrate but will try to find more info with new source.”

-'''Do you mean that Sevilia had respect and power over Brutus and Cato? If you do maybe explain how she gained power over them and why they were important. It is hard to understand what you mean here.'''

• Political Involvement

o Cassius married to Tertia. Worked extensively in 44BCE to ensure the safety of her family bob attending senate meetings, and contributing greatly to the discourses during their meetings. Cicero's letters detail other meetings of senate that Servilia had called to discuss what actions should be taken which would protect her son and sons-in-law. Cicero describing her as a 'nervous lady' which could be understood as politically cautious[12].

 '''Rephrase: Junia Tertia, Servilia daughter, married Cassius who… They worked to ensure the safety of their family by attending senate meetings and contributing greatly to the discourses during their meeting. (Why did they need protection and how did participating in the senate protect them).'''

o Cicero's letters detail other meetings of senate that Servilia had called to discuss what actions should be taken which would protect her son and sons-in-law.

 '''Why did her son in law need protection and who was her son in law? Cassius?'''

o Cicero describing her as a 'nervous lady' which could be understood as politically cautious.[12]

 '''Cicero described her as a ‘nervous lady’. This could be interpreted to mean the Servilia was politically cautious.'''

o Servilia's opinions were often held in higher esteem than that of Cicero during meetings with Brutus and other key members of the uprising '''(What uprising?). Why was servilia’s opinion held in high esteem?'''

o Since (or due to...?) women were not able to hold office or vote, it is unsurprising that Servilia focused her political efforts on strategic marriages of her daughters and the political career of her son Brutus.

 Rephrase: Due to women being unable to hold office or vote Servilia focused her political efforts on strategic marriages for her daughter and helping create her political career for her son Brutus.

• Relationship with Caesar o Caesar had numerous affairs with women married and unmarried, but none lasted as long, nor were they as passionate as his affair with Servilia[13].

 This seems a bit like an opinion.

 '''Rephrase: Caesar had numerous affairs with women married and unmarried women. The longest lasting affair was with Servilia.'''

• Servilia and Brutus's actions

o Need to discuss Servilia’s death

• Later in Life

o Need to create this section

SPhilSmit (talk) 18:03, 15 March 2020 (UTC)SPhilSmitSPhilSmit (talk) 18:03, 15 March 2020 (UTC)

Instructor Comments on Draft/Peer Review 1
EmmaForRome142497, thanks for your helpful and encouraging review of this work! You've done a really great job copyediting and proofreading the content so that your peer can improve the presentation, so thank you for that. For the next round of peer review, I'd like to see a bit more critique about the content overall and what can be added (although I like your suggestion on adding more info about her looks and personality if it exists) or what doesn't work very well. Don't be afraid to be critical (in a positive way), since we're all working together to improve these pages. Overall, great job! Grade: 19/20.

AbbSe37 your peer reviewer has given you some really good suggestions for improvement, both in terms of the grammar as well as the overall content. The two things I'd like you to work on that they've suggested are: 1) integrating what you've written into the article as a whole; and 2) adding more info about her. With regard to the latter, I know you're waiting for a book to come from the library, so I expect the second round of drafting will have a lot more content once that arrives. However, with regard to integration, you'll need to work hard to incorporate your work into the overall article. Right now your additions seem more like notes you've taken, but the drafts really need to be more complete. I know you hit a bit of a road block with your writing but I think you're at a good place now and I know that your next draft will be outstanding! Please work on your peer editor's changes, and also watch your citations (#21 & #11 are the same citation, while #13 empty). Keep working hard at this! Grade: 15/20 (-2 for late submission): 13/20. Gardneca (talk) 15:29, 2 March 2020 (UTC)

Peer Review by EmmaForRome142497
You have some really great information here! I like what you've written, you've definitely done your research. I think it gives a good look at Servilla, especially considering we probably don't have a lot of primary source information on here. If there's anything about her looks or personality, that would be interesting - but again, knowing you're probably working mostly with accounts that are about someone else and just mention her, I'm going to guess this is all the ancient scholars have said about her. A lot of my edits below are grammatical or just a suggestion of rewording. You maintain a neutral voice and have lots of citations, which are both really great. I'd work on looking at the rest of the article and trying to see how to make what you've written match up with the article. By that I mean, make it read like an encyclopedia entry a little more. Hopefully my edits below make sense, it's just top to bottom. Awesome job!

"Marriages and Children" Probably a typo: She also influenced Caesar.

It is assumed - just cut the word "and"

Second Triumvirate should be capitalized.

Being that it consisted of her son and her son-in-law, Brutus the Younger and Cassius, respectively.

Respect and power over Brutus and Cato - I see how this is just a note to explain the previous sentence, just remember to cut it before you post it to the article.

Sevilla's children were all married out - maybe some examples to who?

but none lasted as long or was as passionate change to "but none lasted as long, nor were they as passionate, as"

Comma after 70 BCE

Perhaps "Plutarch only emphasized Servilla's devotion to Caesar when he claimed she was "madly in love with him," however scholars since the time of Plutarch have speculated the affair was mutual, thus the length of the affair itself."

"Caesar had several affairs...." - again, just a note to explain the previous paragraph, just remember to cut it.

Instead of "because women were not able to hold office" consider "since women were not able to hold office"

"She remained faithful to her husbands" consider putting this between "continued until the death of Caesar" and "Plutarch only emphasized"

"Caesar received a note" consider changing to " In an anecdote which was imparted by Plutarch, Caesar received a note in a senate meeting which Cato thought to be of high importance. He thought the note was a secret correspondence...."

"Indicated that Servilla and Caesar's relationship was passionate" consider revising to "indicated that Servilla and Caesar's relationship was not only of high importance, but" and I'm not sure what you're saying about Roman mothers here. Is it that Cato is annoyed or that everyone is annoyed? Consider revising or elaborating.

In the Brutus' later life section:

Second Triumvirate should be capitalized here too.

You already mentioned Brutus being spared by Caesar so I don't think you need to put it again

"Cassius married Tertia" you can put this sentence up with the examples of who her children were married off to

After "probably due to the fact she was Lepidus' mother-in-law" you can put this sentence about Cicero's letters.

Senate should be capitalized.

Consider revising to: "to discuss what actions could be taken to protect her son and son-in-law. Cicero describing her as a 'nervous lady' could be understood as her being politically cautious."

EmmaForRome142497 (talk) 21:26, 1 March 2020 (UTC)

Annotated Bibliography Comments
AbbSe37 you've done an excellent job with your annotated bibliography. All of the changes you intend to make are clearly laid out, and everything is presented in a clear and straightforward manner. I'm really impressed, and my only suggestion is to track down this book, which is brand-new and will likely help you to improve this page quite a bit: Treggiari, S. (2019). Servilia and her Family. Oxford University Press. Great work! Grade: 10/10 Gardneca (talk) 20:44, 21 February 2020 (UTC)