User talk:Agardn9520/sandbox/Ayoreo People

Hi Anna! You've made some really great progress on the Ayoreo People page! I looks great so far, however I have some minor suggestions for changes. In the history section of your article there are some sentences that don't seem to have any context and are a little confusing. For example the stealing of Ayoreo children is mentioned but there is no reason given as to why or if it is related to the rest of the history that is covered in this section. So, for that section I would just recommend trying to be explicit with the information so as to not cause confusion. Similarly, the culture section is a little confusing. The information that you ave provided is all excellent and well referenced but many of your sentences start the same way which makes it difficult to fully comprehend. Also due to the frequently used structures, the information seems to be more interrelated than you might have meant it to. For example, you jump from hunting techniques to Shamanism without much of a transition which makes the two seem like they are very interconnected but then you don't explain the relationship between the two topics, which can be confusing for the reader. So, for the culture section I would recommend making more of a transition between topics, explicitly linking topics if they are connected, and possibly providing more information about each of the topics you mention in the culture section so as to provide more background. Other than what I previously mentioned the article looks great and it is clear that you have put a lot of effort into this article. Great work so far! Best, Sheridan.lea (talk) 23:21, 6 April 2015 (UTC)