User talk:Aishali742/sandbox

Chandrine's Peer Review
Your article does a really great job of explaining the history of the ivories and describing them in detail. Your introductory paragraph provides good background information and sets up the rest of the article nicely. I did notice that there are a few minor spelling/punctuation errors in the first two paragraphs. I did have a little bit of trouble understanding the sentence "The only documentation discussing an arrangement for the plaques was in 1623 at the death of Lucio Sanseverino, the then Archbishop of the Salerno Cathedral where he requested them hung on an altar." Maybe add another comma or a small rewrite may help make this a little more clear. Your description of the plaques is very well composed and, personally, I wouldn't mind getting to see a few more pictures of the ivories. I know how hard it is to track down pictures that work within the article without being copyrighted, but if it is possible I think it would add another level to the article. Overall it is a very well done piece! Cstepis2 (talk) 23:23, 27 November 2018 (UTC)

Alex Fager's Peer Review
Aishali742,

This is definitely one of the most complete articles I've seen in the class' sandbox. Great work! You do an excellent job of conveying important information, and more impressively, you were able to describe some of the academic uncertainties relating to the ivories without sounding biased.

In regards to content, it looks pretty complete and has plentiful sources, so I don't have much to suggest there. The only thing I struggled with was the amount of unbroken text in the "Description" section. Between all the dimensions and the content, it was a lot to take in at once. Perhaps creating subcategories would help break up the text? Maybe visual elements vs thematic elements (which seems like you already did), old testament vs new testament ivories, or maybe including a small box that contains the dimensions vs listing it in paragraph form? These would just be minor aesthetic improvements, since that seems to be all that's left!

Good luck on the final draft! Axfager (talk) 05:17, 29 November 2018 (UTC)

Feedback from Prof McClanan
Aisha, To start, I'd like to say how impressed I am by the work you've done on this draft, thank you. Here is some more specific feedback, both based on your draft on its own and in comparison to the existing entry on the topic. so that you'd have twelfth-century Sicilian...workshop
 * it's super that you've added more nuance to the possibilities of where the ivories originated, but change the word pieces to something like "influences from" in the first sentence.
 * since your studies focus in history/art history, here is info on a fine-grained mechanical refinement that applies to when to hyphenate century: https://grammarist.com/usage/centuries/
 * minor mechanics: since oliphants isn't a proper noun it doesn't need a capital letter (and thanks for removing that annoying colon before it in the earlier entry)

Historical section was in 1510 in a chapel behind seems to be missing words, maybe instead: was in 1510, placing them in a chapel behind
 * this section
 * Good work in re-organizing discussion of issues of their documentation and lack thereof

Description section thirty-eight figurative... is a good candidate for a paraphrase, here's more info: https://students.case.edu/academic/resources/writing/more/research/research6.html The models used for the iconography of the Salerno Ivories include another sizable group of ivories called the Grado Chair series. needs citation of source and maybe a little additional explanation
 * Direct quotes should be used selectively so this one
 * the list of stylistic influences in this part doesn't accord with the list at the beginning--perhaps delete this one
 * remember to link to other Wikipedia entries where pertinent, such as for Resurrection
 * this sentence

The final Significance section works well, and it's good to see the way you have expanded the sources based on your research.

Please touch base with any questions!

AMcClanan (talk) 16:05, 1 December 2018 (UTC)