User talk:Alex3877/sandbox

Hi Alex, Nice job on this assignment. I'm glad you were able to find so many things to edit on your selected article. -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:12, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Hi Alex,

I think you could be more specific in what you mean by ethnicity plays “large part” in determining health outcomes. This claim, based on your contributions and the existing content of the current paragraph, feels a bit unsubstantiated. I realize there are citations, but I think you need to draw some details from the sources to be a bit more clear on how.

Additionally, when you say “poverty can overpower race,” I think you should re-word this as “poverty may [sometimes] impact health incomes more drastically impact than race, but it is nonetheless significant.”

I love that you’ve linked specifically the education section of the poverty page to your first sentence claim of the second area paragraph! However, I think “according to Mirowsky and Ross” may be a bit too academic and non-encyclopedic; consider removing this clause and just cite them instead. I also think when you say “…occupation and income, which determines health outcomes” that it may be less repetitive and generalizing to say “which also affects health outcomes.” Moreover, the third sentence feels repetitive of the second. Consider combining them and being as straightforward as possible. Perhaps even define, at some point, what you mean by health outcomes?

Your contributions to the sector section look great! Quite clear, encyclopedic, and not overly wordy.

Marleypirochta (talk) 00:53, 3 April 2019 (UTC)Marley Pirochta

Shraddha's Peer Review
Hey Alex!

For your area section:

I think that by adding a little more specificity to your first edit on Ethnicity, you can make the sentence a little more encyclopedic in tone. I think you can do this by adding examples of instances where we see unequal treatment (job discrimination, income, chances of promotion, personal safety, etc.).

Your addition in the "Education" section is very clear and defined. No edits to suggest there! I would consider editing the first sentence of the Wikipedia section though ("Education plays an especially influential part in the lives of the impoverished.") I think it sounds a bit essay-like and opinionated, and you have to read ahead to get to the point.

For your sector section: Overall, good use of encyclopedic tone! I would consider changing "President Trump is pushing for a change" to past tense: "President Trump has pushed for a change...". I think it sounds a bit more factual. In addition, the only other suggestion I would make is to define what the term "public charge" means in your context.

Your sources look reliable and you have enough use of citation. You might have done this and I might have missed it, but could you define exactly where your edits are going to go in the article (Section Name)? — Preceding unsigned comment added by Shraddhapandey2021 (talk • contribs) 17:58, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Responding to Peer Review
When dealing with Marley's peer review, I agree that I should not simply just list out facts from my sources but should also incorporate details explaining why these facts are true. By doing this, it would allow the reader to have a better understanding of the material. Many of the other suggestions are about how to edit the parts which came from the Wikipedia article's I am contributing to. This caused me to realize I should not only focus on the quality of my work while drafting but should also be improving the quality of the material already present. When dealing with Shraddha's peer review, I agree that I need to be more specific in some areas of my drafting. Once again, some of the suggestions I received are about the material which is already present in the article which is something I will begin to address as I continue to draft. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Alex3877 (talk • contribs) 06:11, 11 April 2019 (UTC)