User talk:Aliwall/Fremont Brewing

I have left you a peer review, looks good so far! Madross15 (talk) 20:57, 31 January 2020 (UTC)Madross15

Feedback on your article
I see you've already moved over the two new sections. Great. :)

I had few pieces of feedback about the lede which you have not moved yet. Some of these don't really feel like improvements. For example, you changed two places where it said that that they 'were something (e.g., the third largest brewery) to the fact that they "pride themselves on being." The factual phrasing feels more encyclopedic to me. Whether they are proud of it is (a) hard to know for sure and (b) feels more like marketing speak or something FBC would say rather than something a neutral third party would.

Thinking about this is important as you think about tone.

One fun thing is that I noticed that the page has already been edited by at least one person who might show up at in class! — m a k o ๛  04:14, 14 February 2020 (UTC)


 * A quick followup.. If you're looking to improve things more, you should take a look at this list of suggestions for polishing your article which is a helpful set of ideas from . Many won't apply but some might. — m a k o ๛  04:16, 14 February 2020 (UTC)