User talk:Almahern/sandbox

Area
Alameda County, California

Sector
Housing quality and health outcomes in the United State

Rent regulation

Welfare in California

Wikipedia Article Selection
Health Advocates of Alameda Health System — Preceding unsigned comment added by Almahern (talk • contribs) 01:53, 1 February 2019 (UTC)

Feedback
Hi Alma, I see you've put a lot of work and research into your sandbox already! Nice job. You actually did double the work by evaluating two articles. This is fine, and good practice. For a deeper analysis, what was the tone of these articles and how can you evaluate the sources used to backup the information on these pages? Also, are you settled on one area article and one sector article? Keep up the good work! -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:46, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Final Article Selection
Hi Alma, I had a hard time sifting through all the great information on your sandbox to find out which two articles you will primarily focus on for Sector and Area. Can you clean up this section a bit? Here's the assignment from Prof Talwalker: "Be sure the two W. articles (one for area and one sector) that you've selected are adequately highlighted under "Article Selection" along with 2-3 lines each stating why you are picking these articles and what your plan for research/adding/editing is." Thanks, Momo. 23:37, 2 March 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi — Preceding unsigned comment added by Sumomox4nouchi (talk • contribs)

Julia's Peer Review
Hi Alma! Good job on all of these insertions, there's a lot of information you're adding! It's a little unclear what sentences specifically you are inserting into which articles. Like when you say "in between first and second sentence" between which sentences of which articles do you mean?

I suggest for this section: Family affluence directly affects food security, which correlates with adolescent nutrition and health. Family affluence also influences participation in regular physical activity. While nutrition and physical activity promote physical well-being, both promote psychological health as well. Thus family affluence is correlated with reduced psychological stress during adolescence. Family affluence also affects access to healthcare services; however, in countries with universal healthcare systems, youth belonging to less-affluent households still display poorer health than adolescents from wealthier families. A study that looked at people from their childhood to adult hood they found out how housing environment contributed to death among adults. The main cause of death in this study was from pollutants found in the housing they resided in despite controlling for socioeconomic factors.[1]

You can shorten this bit: Family affluence directly affects food security, which correlates with adolescent nutrition and health. Family affluence also influences participation in regular physical activity. While nutrition and physical activity promote physical well-being, both promote psychological health as well. Thus family affluence is correlated with reduced psychological stress during adolescence. Maybe shorten by saying "Family affluence directly affects food security, which correlates with adolescent nutrition and health. Family affluence is also correlated with regular physical activity and psychological health."

With this paraphrase: In the 19th and 20th century with the developments slums there was an increase in poor maintains of the city. The crowding, poor sanitation and poor dwellings in the city brought infectious disease and illnesses thus becoming a public health concern. I would say "there was a decrease in maintenance" instead of "increase in poor maintains." I would also add a few commas to the next sentence, saying "the crowding, poor sanitation, and poor dwellings in the city brought infectious diseases and illnesses, thus becoming a public health concern."

This paraphrase is a little confusing, structure-wise: "The patients approximately 1/5th, that end up in the ED are often times homeless and housing insecure in the past 2 months and 13.8% were living in homeless shelters or on the streets. the ED patients reported that in the past 12 months, 15.5% had spend a night in a shelter and 30.5% had previously been homeless with 25.4% of the patients were at risk of becoming homeless in the next 2 months and 9.1% had been previously evicted in the past year.[8]" I would say: "The ED reports that 20% of patients are housing-insecure, and 13.8% of patients currently live in homeless shelters or on the streets. 15.5% of ED patients reported previously spending nights in a shelter and 30.5% had previously been homeless. 25.4% of ED patients were at risk of becoming homeless. 9.1% had been previously evicted in the past year."

Other than that, good job!

Jsumera (talk) 00:18, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Lorraine's Peer Review
Alma, I really like that you’ve including sections in your drafting for paraphrasing and insertion. I like that you’ve created a specific takeaway for each article, and know exactly where you want to insert it. Great! I will evaluate your additions one by one, in the order that you have presented them in your sandbox.

1. I like the content that you have added - it flows well with the content matter in the paragraph! This makes sense. I think that I would maybe reword the paraphrase and insertion; right now I see some awkward grammar and not enough of a flow between the existing paragraph and what you have added. I think you might be able to take out the first sentence, or integrate it into the second. “A study that followed children into their adulthood found that a significant connection between housing environment and death.” for the sentence, or “Poor adolescent housing conditions have been correlated with higher death rates in adulthood [premature death?]; when controlling for socioeconomic facts, these deaths were found to be closely related to household pollutants and toxins.” for the whole insertion. You might also want to connect your insertion with the paragraph’s preceding content by talking about the relationship between affluence and housing conditions (this might be in the article you cited already!)

2. I think that your insertion is placed perfectly, as an intro to how slums emerged. I would reword a little bit, maybe to: “In the 19th and 20th centuries, slums became increasingly common in cities. Crowding, poor sanitation, and poor living conditions resulted in high rates infectious diseases and illnesses.” I don’t think you need to bring up the fact that it becomes a public health concern here; the fact that you bring up disease implies that public health is involved!

3. I see that you are planning to add this into the “other” category! Have you considered another bullet point for housing instability? Having it as a category of its own under the “Urban” subheading with all the other listed categories (obesity, mental illness, traffic, etc.) seems fitting. I worry that putting it under the “other” category doesn’t give housing instability enough of a place in the article. I would rephrase the insertion for a bit more clarity: “Housing instability: Unstable housing may result in more barriers to accessing healthcare and acute care relative to other populations.” I would then elaborate a bit - what else can you gather from the Reid article? The other bullet points in the Urban subsection have 4-5 sentences - if you could build out another bullet point for housing instability alone, I think that would be super impactful :)

4. What if you combined this with the housing instability bit, and made it its own bullet point? I think that’d look great! Maybe the subheading could be “Housing” or “Housing instability” and you could combine “Unstable housing may result in more barriers to accessing healthcare and acute care relative to other populations.” with what you have paraphrased here :) I think that would do more justice to the topic. Also, minor grammatical point: I think you should add a comma, and modify a bit: “As cities became more populated, rent soared, and those who received section 8 were displaced.” Also, I would explain section 8 a bit more - maybe link the Wiki Article on Section 8 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_8_(housing)) or another article, or see if the Varaday article has any info on section 8 that you could add :)

5. Great content! I think it would be good to add your insertion at the beginning of the subsection; I feel like it would flow well with the fact that many people are uninsured (before the article starts its in-depth discussion of the poverty line). I would maybe rephrase this for clarity: “Increases in healthcare costs have resulted in higher premiums, as well as increasing numbers of people who are unable to pay for high premiums.” You could then add a transition that shows why high premium costs are related to more people being uninsured as a bridge.

6. EEK I loved reading about structural violence in 115 and I’m so glad you’re building on this narrative for 105! Yes! It looks like many of the examples of structural violence are added after the paragraph you have it currently under, under the heading “structural violence connection to health” - I would move your insertion here as well. I would probably add it between the sentences “Elements of structural violence such as "social upheaval, poverty, and gender inequality decrease the effectiveness of distal services and of prevention efforts" presents barriers to medical care in countries like Rwanda and Haiti[4]” and “Due to structural violence, there exists a growing outcome gap where some countries have access to interventions and treatment, and countries in poverty who are neglected.” and add a sort of transition about how structural violence doesn’t only happen in low income countries as the article currently describes. Regarding your insertion, I might rephrase it as “Structural violence also impacts noncitizen communities, who have very limited access to medical insurance and healthcare, and are forced to seek care from clinics and outpatient departments.” I think that “social structure” may sound ambiguous, and structural violence as an intro more directly relates to the paragraph.

7. Great placement of the content :) putting it in the ethnicity section is perfect, and I like where it’s placed in the paragraph as well I would rephrase it a bit; for more brevity/ clarity I would start the sentence as “African Americana and Hispanics are less likely to be insured or have a consistent medical provider, which also results in worse health outcomes.” I would take out “Its s not just race” because ultimately it is not race itself that determines the health outcomes, but the perceptions of race. These perceptions are related to lower rates of access to healthcare, etc; I think the way you have it worded currently may imply that outcomes are a direct consequence of being of a particular race. Also, I like that you end with a discussion of having more barriers, but I think that “race” isn’t an inherent barrier - I would talk more about wealth inequality, violence, discrimination here (is any of this discussed in the Lillie-Blanton article?) to talk about compounded effects - I think talking about race as a barrier itself is a bit misleading/ confusing.

8. YAY I’m so glad you’re shedding light on this with a new section. Were you planning on adding this to Homelessness in San Francisco? I don’t think either of the pages have discussed ED at present, so I would give a brief intro to ED (from the Doran article) to preface :) also, I would rephrase to “Approximately one fifth of the patients at the ED are people who have become homeless or housing insecure in the past 2 months.” After that, I would break up your statistics a little bit. It looks very stats heavy right now - add some more connecting phrases, maybe separate each statistic into its own sentence. I would even potentially cut down on the number of statistics you have here. What ones are the most salient to your argument/ to the article itself? I would maybe pick 3, and then continue building on this insertion with some more narrative (less numbers and more words).

Overall, great content :) I really like what you have researched, the topics you have added are super important to include in the dominant/ public discourses about social determinants of health.

Best, L