User talk:Alsenal

Welcome!
Hello, Alsenal, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.

I hope you enjoy editing here. If you haven't already done so, please complete the student training, which introduces you to editing and Wikipedia's core principles. You may also want to check out the Teahouse, a community of Wikipedia editors dedicated to helping new users. Below are some resources to help you get started editing. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:56, 9 November 2015 (UTC)

Context Memo

Having completed my first co-op at the Massachusetts Clean Energy Center, I noticed there is a page missing for the organization. Having received national recognition for their work, I plan to write my first Wikipedia article on MassCEC. I identified a commensurate article for NYSERDA which will help me with formatting, appropriate content to include, and general modeling.

Wikipedia is likely to welcome this submission as it fills a knowledge gap on an organization known for its leadership in clean energy development. The organization has been winning awards for its various programs, is being looked to as a model for other states, and has gained national and international acknowledgments and publicity.

While still a work in progress, I believe that I have begun a good basis for a NPOV style of writing, and have emulated the mechanics of existing wikipedia articles and guidelines. I will incorporate feedback from peers and editors to ensure its quality and organization is up to standards.

Response letter & context memo
Response Letter

In my second draft, I made sure to reformat the ambiguous list of programs so that it was clear this wasn't an incomplete section but rather a list of programs the organization administers. I could not find any third party descriptions or reports on these programs, so I did not feel as though it was appropriate to expand on them as all information would have come from the MassCEC website. I proceeded to expand where I could, and added some more detailed language on the different divisions that constitute the organization. I went back and linked concepts to other wikipedia pages (i.e renewable energy) and made sure to edit grammar and word choice.

Context Memo 

Link to sandbox

Having completed my first co-op at the Massachusetts Clean Energy Center, I noticed there is a page missing for the organization. The MassCEC has been winning awards for its various programs, is being looked to as a model for other states, and has gained national and international acknowledgments and publicity. Deciding it was a good gap of knowledge to fill in with a new wikipedia article, I identified a commensurate article for NYSERDA, which has helped me with formatting, appropriate content to include, and general modeling.
 * I have included a context memo on my talk page an addition to the peer reviewing of other articles in my assigned group, namely Christina's Renewable Energy in Costa Rica.
 * I have linked the page to the MassCEC's website and wikiepedia pages for Boston MA & Deval Patrick in my article.
 * Briefly communicated with a Wikipedia editor who reached out to me and pointed me in the direction of some useful resources for beginners.

Your submission at Articles for creation: Massachusetts Clean Energy Center (November 30)
 Your recent article submission to Articles for Creation has been reviewed! Unfortunately, it has not been accepted at this time. The reason left by SwisterTwister was:

Please check the submission for any additional comments left by the reviewer. You are encouraged to edit the submission to address the issues raised and resubmit when they have been resolved.


 * If you would like to continue working on the submission, go to Draft:Massachusetts Clean Energy Center and click on the "Edit" tab at the top of the window.
 * If you need any assistance, you can ask for help at the [//en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:WikiProject_Articles_for_creation/Help_desk&action=edit&section=new&nosummary=1&preload=Template:Afc_decline/HD_preload&preloadparams%5B%5D=Draft:Massachusetts_Clean_Energy_Center Articles for creation help desk] or on the [//en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:SwisterTwister&action=edit&section=new&nosummary=1&preload=Template:Afc_decline/HD_preload&preloadparams%5B%5D=Draft:Massachusetts_Clean_Energy_Center reviewer's talk page].
 * You can also get Wikipedia's Live Help real-time chat help from experienced editors.

SwisterTwister  talk  20:48, 30 November 2015 (UTC)


 * Alsenal, you should look at some examples of good articles about companies to help you get a sense of what this should look like. Category:GA-Class_company_articles has links to all the company articles that have been approved as Good Articles. I would recommend that you take a look at a few of them - not because you are obligated to produce anything so complete, but because they might help give you a sense of what an article about a company should look like. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 16:25, 8 December 2015 (UTC)

The key to improving the article is to write about it in a factual, rather than promotional way. Look, for example, at the lead.

The first sentence or two should tell what the subject of the article is. "Works to develop" is promotional language - it doesn't say much, but it presents a sense of doing something. Promotional language might say "I am an award-winning educator and I work to empower my students through the use of innovative teaching tools"; and encyclopaedia might say "X is a teacher who has won awards a, b, and c". "In the Commonwealth" is also the sort of language that plays to insider pride, but it's actually pretty meaningless to many readers. The average reader in Australia or India know what you meant by "the Commonwealth"? They'd probably assume you meant the Commonwealth of Nations.

Setting aside the promotional language, what do you have here? "Supports the clean energy industry" is promotional language. "Investing in various early-stage cleantech startup companies" sounds good, but what does it mean? (Promotional literature is intentionally vague. Encyclopaedia articles are about specifics. How many companies, large or small investments, etc.) It sounds like what this really says is: the agency provides "renewable energy rebates" to homeowners and businesses, invests in local companies, and provides workforce training. Even there, what does "renewable energy rebates" mean? Rebates to cover the cost of buying renewable energy?

Who is the BW Research Partnership? What is the "Clean Energy Industry Report"? And "collaborated" is another fancy word for "coauthors" or "works with". It sounds better, which again, makes it sound promotional.

Mission statements are promotional statements. You can discuss an organizations mission when you talk about what they do, sure. But mission statements are just aspirational language.

This is also problematic. Saying that it has a Board and a CEO isn't saying much - notable board members, the identity of the CEO - these are useful bits of information (though again, there's the challenge of keeping that information up to date). Who appoints the Board, who hires the CEO - when you're talking about a "quasi-state agency", this is the sort of information a reader might be interested in knowing.

The three divisions would be interesting, but not if you write about them in such generalities. What do they actually do?

and

I'm not sure why these are separate - I would combine them and move them higher up. Again, pay attention to the language: "partnered with local and international companies, research institutions, workforce development organizations, businesses and residents, and the investment community" doesn't say much. Who they worked with, the notable partners - these are things that would interest the reader.

Finally, the "list of notable programs" shouldn't be a list - it should be part of the body of the article, and their important should be clear.

Also, remember that Wikipedia is hypertext. Link to other articles when you use terminology that the average reader might not know. Wikipedia is international - don't assume that your readers are going to know anything more than the fact that Massachusetts is a US state. You don't need to tell them everything, but you need to give them links that will allow them to learn more on their own. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 21:47, 9 December 2015 (UTC)