User talk:Andrewdohner

March 5, 2013 - I really miss you. I miss talking to you. And right now, I really need someone to talk to.

I really messed something up, and for once, I'm not talking about our relationship. I don't want to talk about it but I really wish you would be there to support me or at least hold my hand (literally and figuratively) while I deal with it. I miss you so much. I wish you would talk to me. I wish you would miss me. I wish you would just...take me back and just let me try or something I don't know anymore.

I know that what's left of our relationship is completely beyond repair and that the chances of us having a future together have become pretty much nothing. And I'm really sorry. I will never stop being sorry because I can't forgive myself for losing you and I don't think I'm going to really be okay for a while.

I had a moment of self-discovery a couple weeks ago. Luc, Patrick and I were going to go to the movies and see Warm Bodies. I was feeling lonely and asked Luc to hang out with me pre-movie. He initially agreed and then ended up ditching the movie and hanging out. That afternoon, I realized why I am the way I am and that's because I have an abandonment complex. I've always joked about how being adopted hasn't really affected me mentally--like I have no drive to find out "who I really am via my birth parents"--but it has psychologically. I'm such an attention whore because I want, no, NEED, to be wanted by other people. That's why I pretended to care less than you did when it came to our relationship, and why to this day, I keep hoping we can just try to fix it. You see, I visited my birth city once. It was awful. Filthy, poverty everywhere, and prostitutes knocking on the door at our hotel. Whoever my birth mother was, her pregnancy with me was probably more of a hassle than a blessing. And regardless of whether her choice to give me up was because she couldn't afford to keep me or just didn't want me, I was rejected by the first person that ever knew me. So being rejected by you still hurts so much because I still love you. That's why I kept (am still am) trying to win you back. That's why I was so devastated when Sara stopped wanting to talk to me. That's why I let you use me over and over again this summer: because for those 15 or so minutes, you wanted me.

You know I want you to be happy. But honestly? Sometimes I wish you were miserable. Miserable and sad without me. I wish you'd have some remorse over what happened. I wish you would be sorry for what happened and how you lied and manipulated me. But I know how you are now, and you won't feel bad, or care that I feel bad. Because you're happy without me. And that's destroying me.

I love you so much. I don't know what else I could possibly say.

I'm sorry.